Any good jokes ... ?

[morrisman]

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you £100.
The one says to the other, "Should we do it?"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred pounds is a hundred pounds... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "Well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"

 

[glasgowcyclist]

Little old Jewish lady is walking home when a flasher jumps out in front of her and pulls his coat wide open.
She looks him up and down then says, "You call that a lining?"

 

[Milzy]

A parrot swallows a viagra tablet.

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later, when the owner opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

“How come you are sweating?”

The parrot replies – ‘You have no idea how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken’.

 

[simon the viking]

Apple today denied reports that the next iphone will include a hoof print sensor to cater for sheep


(ducks and runs away quickly)

 

[Oxo]

Apple today denied reports that the next iphone will include a hoof print sensor to cater for sheep


(ducks and runs away quickly)

Think this is in the wrong thread. This thread is 'Any good jokes.'

 

[LCpl Boiled Egg]

Think this is in the wrong thread. This thread is 'Any good jokes.'

That's never bothered anyone yet.

 

[betty swollocks]

I like to mash up chickpeas and smear the resulting paste on my arse.
I'm a hummusexual.

 

[betty swollocks]

I like to stick peanuts up my nose.
When they get stuck, my wife drips melted chocolate up my nostrils to lubricate their extraction.
They come out a treat.

 

[roadrash]

I like to stick peanuts up my nose.
When they get stuck, my wife drips melted chocolate up my nostrils to lubricate their extraction.
They come out a treat.

That was one of ken dodds, I think you have to be a certain age to understand that joke, saying..they come out an M+M just doesn't work does it

 

[Nigeyy]

OK, I know it may not be pc, but I lost my hearing aid. Can you give me a shout if you find it?

 

[Cavalol]

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

I've just found out that it's the law to turn your headlights on if it's raining in Sweden. What I want to know is... how the hell do you know if it's raining in Sweden?

 

[Cavalol]

I've written a Joke about the song 'Kayleigh', but just Googled it and found it's been done a Marillion times before.

 

[slowwww]

I've written a Joke about the song 'Kayleigh', but just Googled it and found it's been done a Marillion times before.

Great, that's the ear-worm sorted for the day then!

 

[subaqua]

I've written a Joke about the song 'Kayleigh', but just Googled it and found it's been done a Marillion times before.

Diane Abbot thinks Marrilion is a few more noughts than carillion