Any good jokes ... ?

[Profpointy]

RANDOM THOUGHTS.

* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

Extra like for the dog fetching stixks one. Once the thought is there you can't shake it off. And I don't even have a dog !£

 

[ozboz]

An Irishman goes into Boots, he asks for some deodorant ,
Certainly Sir , did you want the ball type or aerosol ?
Ermm , actually , it's for my armpits ...

 

[Arjimlad]

Taught my beagle to bugle really quickly yesterday.

We used the Underground. Went from Barking to Tooting in a flash !

 

[Grant Fondo]

What do you call a black man flying a plane?
'A pilot', you racists!

 

[Scoosh]

Taught my beagle to bugle really quickly yesterday.

We used the Underground. Went from Barking to Tooting in a flash !

Definitely worthy of ISIHAC !

 

[postman]

Celtic are in Europe again next season.Two weeks in Benidorm.

 

[postman]

Leeds are looking for a holiday camp to sponsor them next year.It seems both of their seasons finish at the end of October.

 

[NorthernDave]

So there I was scraping the ice off the car this morning when I looked up to see a shadowy figure dressed in a hooded black robe running a scythe up and down the frozen windscreen.

It seems I was de-icing with Death....

 

[Smokin Joe]

We had a leaflet from the Royal Mail today -

In order to help our postmen and women over the very busy Christmas period can you please mark your envelopes clearly - "CONTAINS CASH"

 

[betty swollocks]

Dracula is walking down a street in Transylvania when suddenly tons of sandwiches, mini sausage rolls, crisps, chicken wings and cocktail sausages fall on him.
Crushed and buried under all this food, his dying words were,
"Oh no, it's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

 

[betty swollocks]

*Groan*

It's pure class.

 

[Deleted member 26715]

It's pure class.

It is in comparison with some others

 

[betty swollocks]

Greggs have apologised for offending Christians with a nativity scene advert that replaces Jesus with a sausage roll.
A spokesman for Greggs professed,
"We wanted to celebrate our lord and savoury."

 

[betty swollocks]

My wife has her own taser.

She’s a real stunner…

 

[Leaway2]

Greggs have apologised for offending Christians with a nativity scene advert that replaces Jesus with a sausage roll.
A spokesman for Greggs professed,
"We wanted to celebrate our lord and savoury."

Shouldn’t that be lard and savoury