Any good jokes ... ?

[steve50]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Sydney . It was
raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mum," said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him
the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mum?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mum, what happens to the babies those
women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.

 

[anothersam]

Sure it's probably been told here before, but has it been told on the side of a bus?

 

[Alex H]

I found myself in a pub in Cork. A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no-one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

News just in...
Eric Clapton denies any responsibility or part in the death of Omar Sharif.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

News just in...
Eric Clapton denies any responsibility or part in the death of Omar Sharif.

Eh?

 

[Smokin Joe]

Eh?

Glad it's not only me

 

[LCpl Boiled Egg]

I shot the Sharif?

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

Eh?

Glad it's not only me

As @ABikeCam spotted - I Shot The Sharif.... I'll get me coat....

 

[Smokin Joe]

Work and Pensions Secretary Ian Duncan-Smith has been reprimanded by the speaker for firing a Kalashnikov into the air after George Osborne's budget speech on Wednesday.

He has also been told he cannot claim for repairs to the bullet holes in the ceiling on his expenses.

 

[john59]

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........

 

[ufkacbln]

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter takes him over to the seafood tank and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "


The water replies... " I am sorry but that squid has been a mascot foe several years.. can yo choose something else?"

The customer insists so waiter calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais realises that it is the mascot, and refuses to kill the squid.

Gervais points out that Hans the dishwasher has a "reputation"as a tough guy and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
Hans wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With amild green, hairy lipped squid!"

 

[Freds Dad]

It's the National Innuendo championships next week.

I'm going to enter my sister.

 

[subaqua]

It's the National Innuendo championships next week.

I'm going to enter my sister.

Fnaar was thinking of entering Ms Goodbody and her dog

 

[TVC]

Fnaar was thinking of entering Ms Goodbody and her dog

Fnaar is bound to come first.

 

[steve50]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."