Any good jokes ... ?

[TwickenhamCyclist]

Man walks into a bar and shouts "All lawyers are w@nke£s."
A chap at the end of the bar stand up and says "Oi! I object to that."
Man asks "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No," replies the chap, "I'm a w@nke£."

 

[ufkacbln]

There's a bunch of bunnies outside the gym I go to sometimes. Oddly enough, every time I go past them i think of this joke - it's that old.

Gym bunny (plural gym bunnies) (idiomatic, colloquial, bodybuilding) A person who spends a large amount of time working out at a gym and who may be obsessed with improving his or her physique. Often said of a gay man, but also said of women and heterosexual men. [

 

[benb]

i wouldn't have thought so, or are you being facetious?
I wasn't aware that there was an age limit on jokes but i will stop posting now

Please don't.
It's just that he regaled me with those exact jokes, and it made me smile and remember him fondly, which was nice.

 

[the_craig]

How much do Cockneys pay for shampoo?

Pantene.

 

[Dave7]

i wouldn't have thought so, or are you being facetious?
I wasn't aware that there was an age limit on jokes but i will stop posting now

no no no...........dont stop posting.........I had forgotten that one and have just read it out to my OH

 

[Dave7]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me
about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday

afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 10 kilometres through some pretty
rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.

I pushed my way through brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

I avoided standing on a snake.

I climbed several rocky hills.

I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental
stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank
eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one
hell of an outdoors man!"


"No," I replied, "I'm just a shoot golfer."

 

[Dave7]

They have started


Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied: ‘No.’


As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.


Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.


What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.



I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.



Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like its cheques.



My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

I would like to sing a song about subtraction..
Take it away!

 

[steve50]

The Winter Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your
mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

 

[steve50]

Hung Chow calls his work and says,

'Hey, I no come wok today, I weally sick.

Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow,

I really need you today

When I feel sick like you do,

I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.

That Makes everything better and I go to work.

You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

'I do what You say and I feel Great.

I be at work soon................................................................You got nice house

 

[steve50]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, Or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And thus began my life of celibacy..........

 

[steve50]

What deep thinkers men are...

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

 

[steve50]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream
'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find
the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.
But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you
ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would
you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you
ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if
I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask
if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked
for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied,
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
"Because you're in Halfords."

 

[Puddles]

A fourth grade teacher presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the second half.
1. You can lead a horse to water but……. how?

2. Strike while the……………………………. bug is close.

3. It’s always darkest before………………. Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of….. termites.

5. Don’t change horses……………………… until they stop.

6. Don’t bite the hand that………………… looks dirty.

7. No news is…………………………………… impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a……………………. Mister.

9. You can’t teach an old dog new………. math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…….. stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust……………………………… me.

12. The pen is mightier than the…………. pigs.

13. An idle mind is……………………………. the best way to relax.

14. Where there’s smoke there’s………… pollution.

15. Happy the bride who…………………….gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is…………………………. not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s………………… the Musketeers

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what……. you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and……………………….. you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as……………. Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not……. spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed…………… get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you………………………………….. see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind……….. get out of the way.

And the best for last…

25. Better late than………………………….. pregnant.

 

[steve50]

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was
interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better.
The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.'

The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed
to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major
said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you
know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f***ing ears