Any good jokes ... ?
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Tin Pot
Guru
Good lord.
A group of Chiefs and a group of Naval Officers take a train to a conference. Each Naval Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Chiefs has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Naval Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Chiefs will finally get what they deserve. Suddenly one of the Chiefs calls out: "The conductor is coming!". At once, all the Chiefs jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Naval Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please!" One of the Chiefs slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round. For the return trip the Naval Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Chiefs didn't buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Chiefs announces again: "The conductor is coming!" Immediately all the Naval Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in. All the Chiefs leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Chief enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Naval Officers and says: "Ticket, please!"
These go back to Noel Edmonds' "Golden Guillotine" on a FRiday mornng. Worst joke of teh week was read out and the sender ceremoniously executed.
Here is another one:
Mr. Boyd, a model railway enthusiast, spends months working on a new layout in his loft. After months spent diligently crafting a scale model of a goods yard siding at Crewe and distressing the stonework on his Airfix signal box he comes to the piece de resistance - a scratch built replica of a 1930s shunter. But horrors! his pride and joy is damaged - scratch and claw marks and there in the bottom of the box - cat fur!
Enraged, he races downstairs and, pausing only to grab a cleaver from the kitchen, goes in search of tiddles, his mother in law's moggy and charges out into the street yelling and roaring. The neighbours call the police and he is hauled off to the nick to be charged with breach of the peace. Just as he finishes telling his tale in the interview room another officer comes in carrying a cat. Looking the prisoner straight in the eye he sings:
"Pardon me Boyd, is this the cat that chewed the choo-choo?
... and my favourite bad pun joke form the Golden Gilloutine
There was a family of skunks, who consisted of mummy skunk, daddy skunk and two junior skunks
One of the youngsters loved the outdoor life and was called "Out" and the other less adventurous and preferred the comforts of teh indoors, he was called "In"
As was usual Out was out and In was in when for some strange reason In decided to go out and Out decided to come in
As supper approached and In didn't come back in...... Out was despatched out to find In and bring him in
So Out went out and tried to find In but without success.... so mummy skunk also went out (with Out who was still out) to find In
Still no luck, so they returned home to await daddy skunk
When he arrived mummy skunk explained that In was out an Out was in, that Out had been sent out to find In and bring In in..... she further explained that she had also accompanied Out out to search for In, but had been unable to find him
So daddy skunk left Out in with his mother and went out to find In
Less than a minute later daddy skunk was back and In was in
Mummy skunk was impressed and asked how he had found In so quickly
Daddy skunk replied:
"In stinked"
There was a family of skunks, who consisted of mummy skunk, daddy skunk and two junior skunks
One of the youngsters loved the outdoor life and was called "Out" and the other less adventurous and preferred the comforts of teh indoors, he was called "In"
As was usual Out was out and In was in when for some strange reason In decided to go out and Out decided to come in
As supper approached and In didn't come back in...... Out was despatched out to find In and bring him in
So Out went out and tried to find In but without success.... so mummy skunk also went out (with Out who was still out) to find In
Still no luck, so they returned home to await daddy skunk
When he arrived mummy skunk explained that In was out an Out was in, that Out had been sent out to find In and bring In in..... she further explained that she had also accompanied Out out to search for In, but had been unable to find him
So daddy skunk left Out in with his mother and went out to find In
Less than a minute later daddy skunk was back and In was in
Mummy skunk was impressed and asked how he had found In so quickly
Daddy skunk replied:
"In stinked"
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife........
Tim's scrotum
The Best Story of the Year: The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Irene Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two years ago, my husband,Tim, had a terrible heart attack and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tim must have experienced. "Tim was unable to hold me. ," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tim's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tim. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tim." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Tim's scrotum
The Best Story of the Year: The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Irene Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two years ago, my husband,Tim, had a terrible heart attack and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tim must have experienced. "Tim was unable to hold me. ," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tim's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tim. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tim." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
steve50
Disenchanted Member
- Location
- West Yorkshire
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
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Probably wasn't the same f###ing elephant.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Probably wasn't the same f###ing elephant.
Rural Spaceman
Active Member
- Location
- south west england
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
twentysix by twentyfive
Clinging on tightly
- Location
- Over the Hill
Ah - very good. Bit thick me
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
I've been trying to give up using innuendo recently, but it's hard... oh so very hard ...
swee'pea99
Legendary Member
The key question with innuendo of course is 'which endo'?
