Any good jokes ... ?

[swansonj]

There's a bunch of bunnies outside the gym I go to sometimes. Oddly enough, every time I go past them i think of this joke - it's that old.

Well, srw, all I can say is that, if you want to restrict this thread to jokes that are not only "good" (as per the title) but new as well, you're going to save Shaun an awful lot of electrons....

 

[screenman]

There's a bunch of bunnies outside the gym I go to sometimes. Oddly enough, every time I go past them i think of this joke - it's that old.

No matter how many times I read your post srw I cannot see the humour, are we still waiting for the punchline?

 

[steve50]

There's a bunch of bunnies outside the gym I go to sometimes. Oddly enough, every time I go past them i think of this joke - it's that old.

Ho hum, can't please everyone now can we,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

[steve50]

A big steel company was feeling it was time for a shakeup so they hired a new head of human resources. Well, the new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, this HR supremo noticed a guy doing nothing and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business; so he asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £500 a week. Why?"

The Human Resources boss said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £2,000 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the new boss looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "he's a pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[steve50]

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her bumped off.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of ' Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

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'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO.'

 

[steve50]

This morning when i went into the kitchen my wife was cooking our usual soft boiled eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she usually sleeps in.

As i walked in, almost awake she turned to me and said "you've got to make love to me - right now!"

My eyes lit up and i had that moment 'am i dreaming or is this real?'

Not wanting to lose the moment i embraced her right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said thanks and went straight back to the cooker.

Happy but a little puzzled i asked "what was that all about?"

She replied: "The egg timer is broken"

 

[benb]

Are you, by any chance, my grandfather?

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and CheeseToastie, please?"

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

...
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties.You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

I went into the kitchen this morning and said to the wife, "Is that coffee I smell?" She said, "It is and you do."
My wife just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a Camel?" I said, "Feck off, it would take ages to get there on a Camel."
My wife said "those penis enlargement pills you are taking are working. You are a bigger prick today than you were yesterday"

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

...
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
Cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and
Got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook
But I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
Flew over. I looked up, and one of them sh*t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her bumped off.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of ' Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO.'

 

[Arjimlad]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and CheeseToastie, please?"


'Mixin-me-toasties.'

Having learnt that at the age of about 10 I had the pleasure of retelling it to my children the other day, some 33 years on. They found it hilarious and are repeating it all over the place.

 

[screenman]

A Farmer in Cornwall sees a bloke drinking from his stream & shouts,
"Wozzon! Ee dun wanna be drinkin dat,
it's full of horse piss an cow shoot".
The bloke says "I'm from London and just purchased a property in the village can you speak bit slower please".
The Farmer replies "If - you - use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any!!!!!

 

[LCpl Boiled Egg]

I used to go out with a girl who worked in Marks and Spencers.

She wouldn't let me try anything on though.

 

[Archie_tect]

I used to go out with a girl in Boots... up past her knees.

 

[steve50]

Are you, by any chance, my grandfather?

i wouldn't have thought so, or are you being facetious?
I wasn't aware that there was an age limit on jokes but i will stop posting now

 

[screenman]

i wouldn't have thought so, or are you being facetious?
I wasn't aware that there was an age limit on jokes but i will stop posting now

Please do not do that, at my age if I heard a joke yesterday so much has happened in my life I have forgot it. Now if nothing much happens in your life well, enough said.

 

[Archie_tect]

Take no notice- ben's just like his grandad!

 

[Maverick Goose]

The M25!