Any good jokes ... ?

[ufkacbln]

These have been around for years... Council tenant complaints:

1. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

 

[ufkacbln]

There is also a lot of unwitting stuff in literature

TH White's "The once and future King" has this paragraph:

Gawaine and Gareth took turns with the fat ass, one of them whacking it while the other rode bareback.

 

[tony111]

An old one from Noel Edmunds radio show;
6 workers are loading a pallet into the Colgate factory freezer when the door shuts behind them. They are found dead the next day. The newspaper headlines......
....Tooth Company Freeze A Crowd..

 

[Moon bunny]

The finals of the world fresh-water fish eating championships, the Scots contender, Fyffe Hicks is up against the great Swedish hope, Sven Olafsson:
Hicks takes a mouthful of his choice, carp, but! Disaster, his upper right premolar meets the fish's spine and Hicks is forced to spit the tooth onto his plate, his mouth dripping with blood, he has no choice but to resign.
Meanwhile the Swede has chosen tench and is wolfing them down one after the other, he picks up his tenth, but just as his mouth starts to close on it the whistle blows, but knowing he has done enough to cinch the title he punches the air in triumph!
Next Thursday Fish Eating Weekly ran the Headline:
One tooth free for Fyffe Hicks, Sven ate nine tench.

 

[rich p]

The finals of the world fresh-water fish eating championships, the Scots contender, Fyffe Hicks is up against the great Swedish hope, Sven Olafsson:
Hicks takes a mouthful of his choice, carp, but! Disaster, his upper right premolar meets the fishe's spine and Hicks is forced to spit the tooth onto his plate, his mouth dripping with blood, he has no choice but to resign.
Meanwhile the Swede has chosen tench and is wolfing them down one after the other, he picks up his tenth, but just as his mouth starts to close on it the whistle blows, but knowing he has done enough to cinch the title he punches the air in triumph!
Next Thursday Fish Eating Weekly ran the Headline:
One tooth free for Fyffe Hicks, Sven ate nine tench.

That is so bad it's almost good

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

 

[Chris S]

These have been around for years... Council tenant complaints:

Alexi Sayle , "I've been using that toilet for 15 years and the council still haven't sent anyone around to flush it"

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

For some reason The Royal Family are said to be Fuhrerious this morning....

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

What's another word for thesaurus...?

And why is there only one monopolies and mergers commission...

 

[PeteXXX]

What's a wok?





It's what you thwow at a wabbit..

 

[swee'pea99]

How d'you catch a unique rabbit?






Unique up on it.

 

[swee'pea99]

How d'you catch a tame rabbit?







Tame thing - unique up on it.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

oooft

 

[screenman]

SMART ANSWER 1

A lorry driver was driving along a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead"

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"



SMART ANSWER 2

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

 

[screenman]

I was out walking my puppy one day,when he accidentally fell into the frigid water.
WITHOUT HESITATION,A GERMAN TOURIST JUMPED INTO THE FREEZING WATER
AND SAVED MY PRECIOUS LITTLE DOG.
BACK ON THE BRIDGE,HE CHECKED MY PUPPY OUT AND TOLD ME,
"ZE DOG IS OK. HE VILL BE FINE."
Due to his selfless heroic act, I ASKED,"ARE YOU A VET?"
HE REPLIED,





"VET?! I'M VUCKING ZOAKED