Uncle Drago's agony column

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am having an existential crisis. I was in the pub talking to a friend. He told me there is no proof that anything that we perceive is real. Everything we think is real is only what our brains process from sense stimuli. If that is the case and on one else is real and I am only my imagination, why can't I be George Best?
I don't know why I am asking you. I am not sure you even exist.

 

[TheDoctor]

Dear Drago,
Is it true that there's no practical difference between washing-up liquid and shampoo?
My hair is now free of grease and burnt-on food, but I'm having problems with fine, flyaway crockery.
At least my hands are as soft as my face. But rather more stubbley.
Hugs and kisses,
The Doctor

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

No matter how hard I try, I cannot catch the roadrunner.

I come up with the most ingenious plans but they never work out and it's usually me who gets injured. Do you have any tips for catching a roadrunner?

Also, I buy my equipment from a mail order catalogue called Acme Corporation and I believe most of their product range is of poor quality and rarely works as intended. I've been injured many times due to their products failing. Do you feel I have a genuine grievance I could raise with them? Would I have grounds for suing them?

Can you recommend a better provider?

Yours faithfully,
Wile. E. Coyote

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am having an existential crisis. I was in the pub talking to a friend. He told me there is no proof that anything that we perceive is real. Everything we think is real is only what our brains process from sense stimuli. If that is the case and on one else is real and I am only my imagination, why can't I be George Best?
I don't know why I am asking you. I am not sure you even exist.

Dear Fang,

I don't exist. I'm a figment of your porn fuelled fevered imagination.

Dear Drago,
Is it true that there's no practical difference between washing-up liquid and shampoo?
My hair is now free of grease and burnt-on food, but I'm having problems with fine, flyaway crockery.
At least my hands are as soft as my face. But rather more stubbley.
Hugs and kisses,
The Doctor

Dear Doc,

A man of medicine such as yourself should know the difference between butter and I can't believe it's not butter. A bit of HP Sauce will keep your hair in check and a scrunchie will keep the dishes tidy.

Dear Drago,

No matter how hard I try, I cannot catch the roadrunner.

I come up with the most ingenious plans but they never work out and it's usually me who gets injured. Do you have any tips for catching a roadrunner?

Also, I buy my equipment from a mail order catalogue called Acme Corporation and I believe most of their product range is of poor quality and rarely works as intended. I've been injured many times due to their products failing. Do you feel I have a genuine grievance I could raise with them? Would I have grounds for suing them?

Can you recommend a better provider?

Yours faithfully,
Wile. E. Coyote

Dear Willy,

I'm glad you came to me with this.

This cheap ACME stuff from AliExpress is no good at all. Not only is it unreliable, it can be dangerous to those around you.

Therefore I suggest you switch to Range Rover branded products for a safer, environmentally friendly, more reliable pursuit.

 

[TheDoctor]

But surely "I can't believe it's not butter" should be more accurately called " fark me, it's margarine"?
@theclaud

 

[Drago]

Dear Doc,

A tub of LM grease from Halfords is less expensive than margarine, tastier, and is a known cure for constipation.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Mr Drago,
As Chief Executive Office of ACME I most vehemently refute the claims by Mr Coyote that our products are faulty or unreliable. Mr Coyote is one of our most valued customers, but he has repeatedly refused to heed our warnings to read the instructions before use, and that there are no customer serviceable parts in our equipment.

Yours sincerely ,
Dr R. Runner
C.E.O. ACME Incorporated Ltd

 

[Gwylan]

Drago, sur.
I have a problem with my legs
They are the same, well similar, length. We've been together for many years and shared a lot of action.
I feel they are beginning to let me down.
They have become old, are a bit dog eared, tire easily and will not pull their weight.
Should I consider epilation and maybe take them to a tanning salon?
Will that encourage them to buck up?

 

[Drago]

Dear Gwendoline,

A topical mix of tanning agent and crack cocaine should breathe new life into the old pins.

It's just a shame that those varicose veins look like and old tattoo of Gary Glitter, but everyone in my gang has their crosses to bear.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I thought I was showing my special lady my love when I crept in her bedroom to leave her her chocolates. I certainly went to some effort. Skiing down slopes, scuba diving through shark infested waters, hang gliding off cliffs. She caught me last night as she came out the shower. She jumped out of her skin and said "It's you, is it? I can't go anywhere without some weirdo breaking into my room and leaving me chocolates. I don't even like Milk Tray. I prefer dark chocolate." I have to say I was disappointed with her reaction.

 

[Drago]

Dear Purple Balls,

I have examined the CCTV footage and I think I see the problem.

Bursting into a womans bedroom bedroom with melted chocolates stuck to your schlong and shouting "come and get it ladies" seems absolutely normal and reasonable to me.

I can only presume there is something about the tone of your voice that is putting them off. That and the veins on your space hoppers that look like a shrivelled tattoo of Gary Glitter.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I thought I was showing my special lady my love when I crept in her bedroom to leave her her chocolates. I certainly went to some effort. Skiing down slopes, scuba diving through shark infested waters, hang gliding off cliffs. She caught me last night as she came out the shower. She jumped out of her skin and said "It's you, is it? I can't go anywhere without some weirdo breaking into my room and leaving me chocolates. I don't even like Milk Tray. I prefer dark chocolate." I have to say I was disappointed with her reaction.

Sorry to butt in but I think maybe you should try Black Magic





I'm sure Drago can point you to some suitable sites for advise

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Drago. I have not been in touch much but I have detained in prison hospital.
Why do I get in trouble just for trying to help people.
Yesterday I decided to make people happy. So, you know those bands they put around your arm to check blood pressure? Well I stripped off, wrapped one around the old todge and ran down the, corridor singinging verses from jesus wants you for a sunbeam and the Good Ship Venus.
Took 3of them plus, a rubber mallet to get me this time though.
On a sad note I have heard nothing from that woman up the road. Shame really as once you get over her bushy moustache and the fact that when she sits down her boobs rest on her knees she is not bad.
Once again your advice would be appreciated.

 

[Drago]

Dear uncle Drago. I have not been in touch much but I have detained in prison hospital.
Why do I get in trouble just for trying to help people.
Yesterday I decided to make people happy. So, you know those bands they put around your arm to check blood pressure? Well I stripped off, wrapped one around the old todge and ran down the, corridor singinging verses from jesus wants you for a sunbeam and the Good Ship Venus.
Took 3of them plus, a rubber mallet to get me this time though.
On a sad note I have heard nothing from that woman up the road. Shame really as once you get over her bushy moustache and the fact that when she sits down her boobs rest on her knees she is not bad.
Once again your advice would be appreciated.

Dear Mavis,

You really are in the wars, eh?

Perhaps a couple of those blood pressure thingies, one round each nork, might help her defy gravity a bit better and you would then find her less repulsive?

Perhaps a love letter, or a romantic poem about motorhome holidays at the taxpayers expense, would soften her iron demeanour and make her more likely to want to get to know you a bit better?

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I decided to follow your advice and purchased a Range Rover product to help me chase down the roadrunner.

I must admit it seemed very comfortable and effortless to chase the roadrunner on a mountain road.

Unfortunately, just as I was drawing level with the roadrunner, a load of lights came on on the dashboard and it went into limp home mode before cutting out completely. Then an eighteen wheeler rammed me from behind at speed and flattened my lovely new Range Rover and I was rolled into the ground yet again. Just as I was dusting myself off, the petrol tank exploded and I fell of the cliff.

So, I am injured yet again and I still haven't caught the damned roadrunner. These ACME painkillers aren't working either.

Also, the insurance company won't pay out on my car as apparently chasing wildlife on dangerous mountain roads is not social and domestic use.

I've just ordered myself a large bottle of ACME rum to chear myself up a bit.

Yours faithfully,
Wile E. Coyote