Uncle Drago's agony column

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Being a.gentelman I have decided to give that woman up the road another chance........poor woman has resorted to chasing politicians.
Anyway, I don't normally buy things on line but I saw a lovely thong. It is vivid purple and black......what woman.could resist.
Slight technical problem in that I misunderstood the sizes and this one is 3 sizes too small. Too late I will have to go through with it......my plan is to knock on her door at 7 pm.
I just hope my dangly bits behave and stay in place.
Can you see any problems with my plan.
Yours Mr Todger.

 

[Drago]

Dear Nadger,

I must advise caution. I have viewed the thong catalogue and the item you have bought is so tiny I won't cover your undercarriage and will simply look like a hideously deformed vein.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I wondered whether you could help me with the meaning of two lines of Percy Bysshe Shelley's famous poem, Ozymandias.

whose frown and wrinkle lip and sneer of cold command
tell that its sculptor well those passions read
which yet survive stamped upon these lifeless things
the hand that beckoned and the heart that fed

In the first place the passions have not survived. In the second place hearts don't feed, they pump. I think this is a rubbish poem but I don't want to say so in front of my poetry group in case I look a fool.

 

[Drago]

Dear Ying Ting,

It is a rubbish poem, but that Shelley is a big bloke with a nasty temper so probably best to keep schtumn.

As regards your poetry group simply wander round with a vikume of Shelly under your arm, lean on your hand thoughtfully and go "wwwoooooooaaaaaaa" a lot, and chop off your ear. You'll be so bohemian the chick's on the course will be shaving their beards off in the hope they can bed you.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Ying Ting,

It is a rubbish poem, but that Shelley is a big bloke with a nasty temper so probably best to keep schtumn.

As regards your poetry group simply wander round with a vikume of Shelly under your arm, lean on your hand thoughtfully and go "wwwoooooooaaaaaaa" a lot, and chop off your ear. You'll be so bohemian the chick's on the course will be shaving their beards off in the hope they can bed you.

Dear Uncle Drago,
I see you worked out my true motive for joining this poetry group. Nothing much escapes your notice. I have a bit a of a problem. There's a young lady there. She's a bit of a blue stocking. She said she read English and History at Durham University. Next week it is my turn to perform one of my poems. I need a poem that's good, but not too good, and not one she's likely to have come across before. Do you have any suggestions?

 

[Drago]

I do indeed.

There's a wonderful poem, a piece of beautiful romantic prose, called There Was a Yong Man Named Enus.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Reading the wonderful advice you have given to that fang bloke I think I will try something similar.
What do you think abut me going to that woman up the road, wearing a slightly bigger thong, standing outside and reading some poetry ?
If you like the idea could you please suggest a poem for me.
Many thanks
Mr Todge

 

[Drago]

Dear Nadge,

Might I suggest a short ditty about the Krankies and dogging?

 

[Dave7]

Dear Nadge,

Might I suggest a short ditty about the Krankies and dogging?

I am a poor innocent chap and don't know that one..... can you help ?

 

[Drago]

Dear Mavis,

There was a dirty couple called the Krankies,
Who with strangers did like hanky panky,
They hid behind a rock,
And she flopped out her ****,
And a stranger did give her a w***ie.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Mavis,

There was a dirty couple called the Krankies,
Who with strangers did like hanky panky,
They hid behind a rock,
And she flopped out her ****,
And a stranger did give her a w***ie.

WoW she just has to be impressed with that. Thank you so much.

 

[Drago]

WoW she just has to be impressed with that. Thank you so much.

No worries. Just doing my job.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Poet Laureate Drago

I've just had that Dave7 promenade up the road in a veritable nappy sized sequined thong, whilst repeating some form of strange 5 line stanza, over and over again.

To be fair, after a while, it did start to arouse my interest, and I was just about to open my rear entrance when the local boys in Blue turned up, tasered poor Dave in the thong region, and carted him off.

Do you think I should go down to the local copshop and see, if, for the normal routine, the desk sergeant will release him with just a slap on his todger?

That Woman up the road.

 

[Drago]

Dear Krankie,

Glad to see you made it home safe from your latest dogging encounter.

I think you may have met the desk sergeant last night. It was dark, but I'm sure that if you let him lay hands on the equipment he will recognise you immediately and will be happy to release Daffy with onky a minor fatal beating.

 

[Yellow Fang]

I do indeed.

There's a wonderful poem, a piece of beautiful romantic prose, called There Was a Yong Man Named Enus.

Dear Uncle Drago,
I decided not to go with There Was a Young Man Named Enus. Blue Stocking is a classy bird, so I thought I'd keep it clean. Instead I recited some lyrics I found on the back of a Marillion LP sleeve. Afterwards, I asked her what she thought of it. She said it sounded fishy. So it looks like I have blown my chances with Blue Stocking. It's hard to believe any woman under fifty listens to Marillon, but there you go. Just my bad luck.