Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Arthur,

I'm sorry to hear this. You really should stop buying that ACME rubbish from Aldi. Nevertheless, their white spirit is good stuff and will numb the pain.

Still, look on the bright wide. You managed to wreck the Range Rooney before someone was able to steal it.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Many decades ago now I used to be the Milky Bar Kid. There were several of us because we had to be in quite a narrow age range. I hoped it would lead to better things, television maybe panto, but it never happened. I used to keep the fact up my sleeve, hoping conversation would lead to it coming out. Then I would get to say, "The Milky Bars are on me." I work in an Amazon depot now. Most my co-workers either weren't born in the country or are too young to have seen the adverts. I can't remember the last time I saw a Milky Bar. I feel I peaked too early in life.

 

[Drago]

Dear Blue Balls,

It's not over yet. With the right agent you could have years left on your career as thr Milky Bar kid.

I know a guy who can help, a Mr H Edwards of Wales, a big man on the TV. He has a bit of free time coming up and would love it if you could send him some photos.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am wondering whether you could settle a bet for me. My friend told me that the speed of light was constant no matter how fast you may be moving towards or away from the light source. However, I told him that is not quite true because light slows down slightly when passing through water or glass.
Yours sincerely
Mr Logic
P.S. When I say friend, I mean someone from a subreddit. I don't actually have any friends.

 

[Drago]

Dear Green Fingers,

What nonsense. If light slowed down through glass you'd overtake your own headlamp beams and arrive at your destination 8 years before you left.

Kindest regards,

A. Einsteinagogo

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I finally asked that woman up the road out on a date and we went on a lovely drive to the coast in my Granada Ghia.

We had been on a walk along the beach and I had almost held her hand on a number of occasions.

When we got back to car park, I sat on the front wing of the car and beckoned her to come close.

"Let's put on some romantic music first" she said and reached into switch on the car radio. Unfortunately, when she switched on the radio, the wing-mounted electric aerial popped up and went straight up my exhaust pipe and I was unable to get off it again.

So I found myself in an embarrassing situation again as she drove me to casualty perched on the aerial like some sort of mascot.

Then we got pulled over by traffic cops. She isn't insured to drive my Granada Ghia. It also came to light that I had forgotten to renew the test and tax and it had been out since October 1999. Very easy to overlook these things when you're busy.

We were then escorted to the hospital but unfortunately, she reversed into the chief consultant's Jag so he kept me waiting all night before treating me.

So here I am sitting on an inflatable rubber cushion and popping painkillers after my injury, I've got a few summonses for these silly motoring offences, a repair bill for the consultant's Jag and I still don't know where I stand with that woman up the road.

What do you think?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I finally asked that woman up the road out on a date and we went on a lovely drive to the coast in my Granada Ghia.

We had been on a walk along the beach and I had almost held her hand on a number of occasions.

When we got back to car park, I sat on the front wing of the car and beckoned her to come close.

"Let's put on some romantic music first" she said and reached into switch on the car radio. Unfortunately, when she switched on the radio, the wing-mounted electric aerial popped up and went straight up my exhaust pipe and I was unable to get off it again.

So I found myself in an embarrassing situation again as she drove me to casualty perched on the aerial like some sort of mascot.

Then we got pulled over by traffic cops. She isn't insured to drive my Granada Ghia. It also came to light that I had forgotten to renew the test and tax and it had been out since October 1999. Very easy to overlook these things when you're busy.

We were then escorted to the hospital but unfortunately, she reversed into the chief consultant's Jag so he kept me waiting all night before treating me.

So here I am sitting on an inflatable rubber cushion and popping painkillers after my injury, I've got a few summonses for these silly motoring offences, a repair bill for the consultant's Jag and I still don't know where I stand with that woman up the road.

What do you think?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Aunty,

On the plus side you finally managed to scratch that itch on your prostate!

I think you should lay your cards on the table, tell here that you want to unwrap her sweets and eat the chocolaty goodness within, so to speak. It's all this beating about the bush that gives opportunities for things to go wrong and thus prevent you from beating about her bush.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I was going to email you about another personal problem, but everything is fine at the moment, so as you were

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Drago.
In the Olympics men's hockey there is a player who dares to call himself Aubrey!!!!
Is there anything legal we can do?? Next thing somebody might call themsemselves uncle Drago

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I was going to email you about another personal problem, but everything is fine at the moment, so as you were

Dear Brown Ring,

I'm sure it won't be long.

Dear uncle Drago.
In the Olympics men's hockey there is a player who dares to call himself Aubrey!!!!
Is there anything legal we can do?? Next thing somebody might call themsemselves uncle Drago

Dear Mavis,

This is utterly preposterous! Who does he think he is to be usurping such a fine name?

Best thing to do is get him disqualified by accusing him of being a woman and thus having an unfair advantage when ironing creases into trousers.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Being a Latin scholar I wonder why Bono, the lead singer from the 80s/90s band U2, went by the Latin word for good. Moreover, I wondered whether Bono was the nickname the lead singer picked out for himself, or was conferred on him by others. Lastly I wondered whether it was significant that the word was in the singular ablative or possibly dative case. Cui bono means 'who benefits', more literally 'to whom the good'. Pro bono means 'for good'. Bono by itself might mean by good, in good or from good. Good in the sense of benefit, not in the sense possessing talent, which might be accurately translated as peritus or callidus.

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Being a Latin scholar I wonder why Bono, the lead singer from the 80s/90s band U2, went by the Latin word for good. Moreover, I wondered whether Bono was the nickname the lead singer picked out for himself, or was conferred on him by others. Lastly I wondered whether it was significant that the word was in the singular ablative or possibly dative case. Cui bono means 'who benefits', more literally 'to whom the good'. Pro bono means 'for good'. Bono by itself might mean by good, in good or from good. Good in the sense of benefit, not in the sense possessing talent, which might be accurately translated as peritus or callidus.

Dear YF
Bonio was already a trademarked name, so he was forced to change it. Dropping the "I" made it easier on rewording the reprints and allowed less material to be taken up on clothing. Meaning he could still make money from the printed t-shirts he'd already printed.

The bands name U2 came from his surprise at being told that the name had been trademarked already.

Yours

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I was thinking of asking Elaine from Sales out. I am pretty nervous about it. She is very pretty, but she is not very discrete. Our company is very hot on sexual harassment and the head of HR is a real gorgon. I need a really good chat up line, but I cannot think of one. I am thinking something urbane, classy yet witty, suggestive yet inoffensive, like Cary Grant might have said in one of his romantic comedies. Do you have any suggestions?

 

[Drago]

Dear Black Buck,

Would that be Elaine, the 6 foot 4 tattooed lass that was banned from the Olympics for failing a gender test when her schlong flopped out during the medical?

She's s classy bird, no cheesy chat up lines will work on her. Nothing short of flowers and a drop-on-one-knee proposal of marriage list likely to loosen her Y front elastic.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Please tell my Dad that A levels are not easier than they used to be, just because nobody did any work when he was at school. I got an A* in History. I wrote the British Empire was evil and that we owed Africa reparations. I got another A* in Geography. I wrote that leaving the EU was the worst mistake Britain ever made. I got another A* in Mathematics. I wrote that Indian and Arab scholars actually invented all of Mathematics, but that they were denied credit for it. I only got an A in Chemistry by writing that carbon-dioxide was evil and that Britain owed it to the world to become carbon neutral because of our historical crime of allowing the Industrial Revolution to happen. I am gutted I missed out on the A*. I was hoping to get into Cambridge, but with those results I can only get into the Metropolitan University of Barnsley Industrial Estate.