Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Yingtong yiddle aye poh,

As sad state of affairs. But fear not. Uncle Drago has the solution!

Take your existing and rather ageing girlfriend and glue to her face a picture of Stormy Daniels. Your friends will think you're awesome, end every leap year when she let's you do the deed you'll feel like you're getting presidential standard satisfaction.

No need to thank me.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
My life is futile and meaningless. I want to become a superhero and do great deeds that befit my dignity. The problem is I do not have any mutant or alien superpowers. I am not particularly clever or athletic or driven. My main interests are video gaming and masturbation. I could still become a superhero by undergoing some sort of freak accident, but the danger is that the accident might be painful and debilitating and not confer any superpowers on me at all. I do have some ideas for the costume.

 

[Drago]

Dear weirdo,

Go for it. I don't believe anyone has created Enunuch Man yet, so nows your chance.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Once again I need your advice. I will try to keep this short.
That woman up the road no longer seems to be interested. She said some rubbish about being fed up with a bloke who wears a pink thong and is continually getting objects shoved up his jacksie...... no pleasing some people.
Anyway.... ...I have decided to enter politics. Can't do worse than what we have can I.
I have been reading the exploits of a chap called Aubrey and he has motivated me a lot.
I have started to formulate my policies. Being clever I realise the need to get voters on board quickly so my 1st 2 policies are.... ..
1. Free condoms to anyone over the age of 80.
2. Discounts/maybe VAT free underwear for transvestites.
I have lots of other ideas but what think you so far?
Any suggestions appreciated.
Yours
Mr Todger.

 

[Drago]

Dear commie,

I like you're thinking. Since the conservatives started wearing straitjackets and labour took their place as the new conservatives there's been a gap in the market for a proper leftie leader such as yourself.

Be warned. It's bad enough that you'll have to appoint David Lemmy as Shadow Minister for Talking Like a Tit, but having an affair with Diane Abbott before the real pinko voters will support you may be a sacrifice too far.

The best bit is that you can promise whatever you want in order to get elected, and no one will be surprised when you change your mind. With any luck you'll be able to claim some earbuds on expenses before being deposed.

Yep, life on the commons gravy train could be a wise move. Please keep us updated.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I think I have managed to smooth things over with the police and the woman across the road.

Unfortunately, I think I have upset The People's Friend readership during my interview as I suggested Walkers Shortbread was better than Pattersons. I didn't realise this was such a controversial subject. I hope it doesn't damage my election chances.

I tried to take up Putin's challenge of invading the Isle of Skye but unfortunately my invasion failed at the first hurdle. He supplied me an armour-plated Lada Samara (I think a Riva estate would have been better personally). Unfortunately, we suffered puncture on the road to Mallaig and missed the last ferry of the evening, so have had to postpone invasion for now.

I had hoped to sweep to power in wave of glory after successfully annexing Skye but it hasn't worked out for now.

In the meantime, I decided to impress Nicola by taking her out for a spin in my own personal armoured Samara and stopping for a drink on the way home in the Climate Change Deniers' Arms but unfortunately she ripped her dress when it snagged on the armoured plating welded to the car door. I then discovered my wallet had fallen through the rust hole in the floor of the Samara and the barman wouldn't give me anything more on my slate so she ended up having to pay for the drinks herself. Have I ruined my chances do you think?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Andy,

Many, many problems.

Right, threaten to bomb Broadford from the air and they'll instantly capitulate and you'll be able to don your number ber 1 dress uniform and march in on horseback.

The issue with the shortbread is a ticklish one. Probably best to dovert attention towards those pink wafer biscuits.

As for your last problem, I'm not sure what's worse - losing your wallet or seeing Nicola's nekked flesh through the torn dress. Still, if you're man enough to go all the way with her she mwy be willing to embezzle some funds with which to replace your wallet.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I am bereft.
My heart is torn asunder..
My political career has somehow failed. I blame those idiots collecting the ballot papers as they say I didn't get a single vote......how ridiculous is that?
Anyway..... you know that woman up the road..... well her Mum came knocking on my door last night. Not pretty as she is 96 years old and dancing naked in my garden.
Where do I go from here?
What should I do.
Please help
Yours
Mr Todge.

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I am bereft.
My heart is torn asunder..
My political career has somehow failed. I blame those idiots collecting the ballot papers as they say I didn't get a single vote......how ridiculous is that?
Anyway..... you know that woman up the road..... well her Mum came knocking on my door last night. Not pretty as she is 96 years old and dancing naked in my garden.
Where do I go from here?
What should I do.
Please help
Yours
Mr Todge.

Dear Mr Todge

Did you not vote for yourself, that would have given you one vote.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

My election campaign didn't go according to plan. I can't think what went wrong.

I only five votes and I think I need an enquiry into this.

If I take my Mum, my sister, my 98 year old great uncle Dick, that woman up the road and the members of the Daewoo Enthusiasts Club, all of whom promised to vote for me, that would add up to six votes.

So how can I tell which one didn't vote for me? Which one is the traitor?

To make matters worse, Putin has taken the armoured Samara back as he needs it in Ukraine. Now I have no armoured car.

I was on the phone to my friend Donald who advised me to storm government buildings. Do you think this is a good idea?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Sir Keir Drago

I feel dirty and disenfranchised.

You see, Dave7 was pummelling me constantly, for his vote, whilst I had, of course, already agreed to give it to Aubrey, so to speak.

So, when I flounced up to the Polling station (lovely guy checked out my ID by the way, do you think he could be the quiet Mr Classic?) I was all of a flutter as I kept flicking myself silly between Dave7 and Aubrey. Anyway, back to the voting booth, I panicked and placed my mark slap bang between both their names, and I think I may have messed up.

How can I face either of them at our next constituent 121 session?

Yours as always

That Woman up the Road.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am an impressionable teenager. The other day I was searching my parents' bedroom for Dad's porn stash. I did not find it, but I found Mum's. I don't think I can ever look at her again the same way. I used to think she was a wonderful, kind and caring person, but this has shaken me to my core. That Barry Manilow centrespread made me want to puke. Not to mention the picture of the milkman - I think it has put me off clotted cream for life.

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

My election campaign didn't go according to plan. I can't think what went wrong.

I only five votes and I think I need an enquiry into this.

If I take my Mum, my sister, my 98 year old great uncle Dick, that woman up the road and the members of the Daewoo Enthusiasts Club, all of whom promised to vote for me, that would add up to six votes.

So how can I tell which one didn't vote for me? Which one is the traitor?

To make matters worse, Putin has taken the armoured Samara back as he needs it in Ukraine. Now I have no armoured car.

I was on the phone to my friend Donald who advised me to storm government buildings. Do you think this is a good idea?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Andy,

Probably best to storm the government building and get it done with quick. If you dress up as Jimmy Savile you can be sure the new PM won't press charges.

Dear Sir Keir Drago

I feel dirty and disenfranchised.

You see, Dave7 was pummelling me constantly, for his vote, whilst I had, of course, already agreed to give it to Aubrey, so to speak.

So, when I flounced up to the Polling station (lovely guy checked out my ID by the way, do you think he could be the quiet Mr Classic?) I was all of a flutter as I kept flicking myself silly between Dave7 and Aubrey. Anyway, back to the voting booth, I panicked and placed my mark slap bang between both their names, and I think I may have messed up.

How can I face either of them at our next constituent 121 session?

Yours as always

That Woman up the Road.

Dear Nicola,

Lance O'Classic was indeed working g at the polling station. He's the hunchback with the terrible lisp.

Probably best to clear the air. Invite them both round for a meal. A good spit roast should satisfy all concerned.

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am an impressionable teenager. The other day I was searching my parents' bedroom for Dad's porn stash. I did not find it, but I found Mum's. I don't think I can ever look at her again the same way. I used to think she was a wonderful, kind and caring person, but this has shaken me to my core. That Barry Manilow centrespread made me want to puke. Not to mention the picture of the milkman - I think it has put me off clotted cream for life.

Dear Green Nob,

You might want to sit down and have a good think about why your middle name is Gold Top.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Dr Drago

Gazing at your column inches, with great interest, I see you are kindly assisting that lovely Mr Rea with his social media coverage.

Are you in a position to introduce me to the bearded one, as I seem to have worn out; Aubrey (I see he got beat into 6th place at the election, by the Freedom for Poshshire candidate), Dave7 (have you seen his latest thong!), quiet Mr Classic33, whilst Mr Fang definitely seems to have flown the coop in his gorgeous FockeWulfe!?

Yours, as ever,

That Woman up the road.

 

[Drago]

Dear Nicola,

I have set you up on a date with the great Mr Rea.

Be at the local greasy spoon cafe at 8pm tonight in your best frock.

Oh, and if he asks, your name is "Scarlet Johansson".