Uncle Drago's agony column

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Nicola,

I'd make a move on ebikerwidnes. Word his is Y fronts are printed with a picture of a model T Ford, and the deformed and wart covered starting crank handle is actually his love lolly. A grasp and a twirl and you can fire his sexual urges into life.

Best of all, word is that he vibrates like a Model T idling with a plug cap missing so you may find extra pleasure in trying to grapple his gears j to neutral.

Probably best to tell your kkqeste man thwt EBW is in the SAS, and thus avoid any unecessary bloodshed.

Hmmmmmm

Looks like someone has been telling secrets!!!

 

[Drago]

Hmmmmmm

Looks like someone has been telling secrets!!!

It seems Dave7 has been talking in his sleep.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

It seems Dave7 has been talking in his sleep.

You could probably sell that recording for a good bit of dosh

on "certain web sites" - or so I have been told

 

[Drago]

You could probably sell that recording for a good bit of dosh

on "certain web sites" - or so I have been told

If you would like to provide me with an unedited copy I'll be straight on the the Star.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

If you would like to provide me with an unedited copy I'll be straight on the the Star.

I was thinking of "those web sites" that some of your more discerning clients frequent

possibly our local Reform candidate would know of them

maybe that MP who was looking for tractors would be able to supply a link - as you are now a politician maybe you have his details??

 

[Drago]

This is tricky. Since I fell out with Farage because I was too right-wing I'm finding very few politicians will speak to me. Fortunately I placed a bet...

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

As my election campaign gathers pace, I've been asked for an interview by The People's Friend. Are there any topics I should avoid that might upset their readership and lose me votes? I believe the People's Friend readers are a tough bunch to impress.

My latest attempt at wooing that woman up the road hasn't gone according to plan either. I was going to surprise here by climbing into her back yard with a red rose between my teeth and a 1lb. Box of Milk Tray up my jacket. Unfortunately, I slipped climbing over the railings and the spike on top of the railing tore off my trousers and y-fronts and ended up stuck somewhere unmentionable.

The fire brigade helped get me down but stole my Milk Tray and then the police arrested me following a complaint from the woman in the house opposite. Yet again, an unfortunate incident that could have happened to anyone has the potential to ruin my election campaign if it gets into the papers.

I also fear I might have harmed my chances with that woman up the road. Perhaps I should go and chase after the Daewoo woman again.

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Aubrey,

I'm surprised that you thought a box of Milk Tray would fit up Nicola's rear passage.

Enquiries with my police contacts show that the woman opposite is not impressed with the imprint of your testicle on her glasses. Perhaps your campaign adviser, a one Mr V Putin od Alartment 1, the Kremlin, Dictator Street, Moscow, cou.d assist?

 

[postman]

Dear Uncle Drago.Mrs P is watching An Evening or Audience with Jayne MacDonald,some second rate singer.She brings on other singers who seem just like her,not quite top class i have taken out one hearing aid but sadly i can still hear the awful warbling,what else can i do.

 

[Drago]

Dear Vennels,

Go on YouTube and find an episode of Love Thy Neighbour. Plug in your headphones so you can hear the soundtrack, but turn your head to the TV and watch the talentless Jayne MacDonald instead.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I tried to smooth things over with the woman opposite with a little bribe and she seemed to be happy with the suggestion.

So, I discretely pushed a roll of twenties down her cleavage and now she reported me for assault. There's no pleasing some people.

I find myself under arrest yet again for something that could happen to anyone. They are also asking questions about the suitcase full of money that they found in the boot of my Granada. It was a Christmas present from Mr. Putin, so not dodgy in any way. Anyway, surely it's normal to keep some money in your car incase you run low on petrol?

I did text Mr. Putin to ask for advice but I don't feel his suggestion of declaring war on the Isle of Skye particularly helpful.

On another matter, I decided to try my luck with Nicola again and was getting prepared but the condom vending machine in the gents of the Climate Change Deniers Arms took my coins but the pack of condoms got stuck. How do I go about getting a refund?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Aunty,

Perhaps if the roll of twenties hadn't been wrapped around your schlong at the time...

As soon as you get bail ensure to buy the coppers a cup or tea to show there's no hard feelings, then slip a KGB sugar into each one.

Probably best to listen to Putin, no matter how bizarre his suggestions may seem. After all, he's the most moderate poster on the NACA forum...

You won't get a refund, I'm afraid. Coins are responsible for 89% of global warming. Probably just best to accept that you're going to catch anything Nicola has.

 

[stephec]

Dear Uncle Drago.Mrs P is watching An Evening or Audience with Jayne MacDonald,some second rate singer.She brings on other singers who seem just like her,not quite top class i have taken out one hearing aid but sadly i can still hear the awful warbling,what else can i do.

You have my deepest sympathies.

 

[Drago]

You have my deepest sympathies.

How dare you! Ms MacDonald has an impressive set of lungs.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I would like to have a midlife crisis but I can't afford a sports car or a motorbike, and no blonde bimbo will have me. What can I do?
YF