Uncle Drago's agony column

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am thinking of moving home. There are too many nutters and perverts along this street. I came here many years ago. The people seemed my kind of people, but the neighbourhood has deteriorated since then. Back then if you asked me about LGBTQIA and BAME, I would have told you that if you put the Q on a triple letter score, you would as good as won the game. Last night the banging coming from the floor above shook my model Ta-152 off my ceiling where I'd hung it, shooting down a hapless Spitfire XIV. Not to mention all the screaming. Then my neighbour knocked on my door in her dressing gown to ask if I had any Vaseline. What would I have Vaseline for?

 

[Drago]

Dear Wild Thing,

I suspect your timing is good. The neighbourhood rapidly went downhill since you moved in.

I suspect your neighbour was asking for gasoline that he could pour though your letterbox and ignite.

Its silly to think he was asking for vaseline. After all, what would you, a mild mannered, law abiding, pillar of the community with one of the largest victorian anal dildo collections in Dumfries want to keep vaseline for?

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I think I might have harmed my election campaign. A journalist asked me if mine was a poor childhood and I said it was as my parents couldn't afford to buy me a gold watch and I had to make do with a Soviet-made plastic thing.

I also pointed out that my Dad couldn't afford a Granada Ghia and had to make do with a 2.0L. I said it showed how much I have achieved in life that I now own a 2.8i Ghia X.

The press put a spin on the story saying I was a spoilt brat. Don't know how they came to that conclusion.

I'm still struggling with my dating issues too. I went out for a drive around the coast with my Daewoo Espero-owning belle and when we stopped in a viewpoint, we got into the back seat and I got a little carried away and she didn't like it so she stormed off. I tried to follow her but she slammed the back door and I got my private parts caught in the door and then the door wouldn't unlock so she had to drive me to the hospital with my member stuck oit the car door. There was quite a wind-chill factor at 60mph. The hospital staff had a good laugh at me again and to make it worse, someone took photos and they're on the front page of the Mirror.

To make it worse, the car door is damaged and she wants me to fix it. Do you know where I can find a Daewoo back door second hand, preferably in florescent purple to match the car.

How can I win her round again?

I then tried to ask the woman up the road out but I think I need to think of a way of making a better impression than my love rivals but unsure how to do so? You advice would be appreciated.

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I think I might have harmed my election campaign. A journalist asked me if mine was a poor childhood and I said it was as my parents couldn't afford to buy me a gold watch and I had to make do with a Soviet-made plastic thing.

I also pointed out that my Dad couldn't afford a Granada Ghia and had to make do with a 2.0L. I said it showed how much I have achieved in life that I now own a 2.8i Ghia X.

The press put a spin on the story saying I was a spoilt brat. Don't know how they came to that conclusion.

I'm still struggling with my dating issues too. I went out for a drive around the coast with my Daewoo Espero-owning belle and when we stopped in a viewpoint, we got into the back seat and I got a little carried away and she didn't like it so she stormed off. I tried to follow her but she slammed the back door and I got my private parts caught in the door and then the door wouldn't unlock so she had to drive me to the hospital with my member stuck oit the car door. There was quite a wind-chill factor at 60mph. The hospital staff had a good laugh at me again and to make it worse, someone took photos and they're on the front page of the Mirror.

To make it worse, the car door is damaged and she wants me to fix it. Do you know where I can find a Daewoo back door second hand, preferably in florescent purple to match the car.

How can I win her round again?

I then tried to ask the woman up the road out but I think I need to think of a way of making a better impression than my love rivals but unsure how to do so? You advice would be appreciated.

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Tie Dye,

Spoiled brat? I bet you didn't feel like finishing your dodo egg breakfast after reading that.

You do get into some scrapes. Fortunately I've told the daily mirror that it was not your love lolly trapped in the car door, and they should be ashamed of their salacious coverage.

I told them instead you'd trapped one of your haemorrhoids in the door. I'm sure their coverage will be far more considerate.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Lovely Mr Drago

I need your help once again!

I called round to see sweet Mr Fang, as I needed some vaseline for my squeaky back entrance. Imagine my shock and sadness, when I was met with a large erection outside his front door, "For Sale"!!!

What is a woman to do, I mean sweet Mr Fang moving away (must have finally got fed up with all the groans and moans all day and night, from the flat above, poor thing).

As for the lovely Aubrey, well, he did call round the rear entrance the other night, but had his political wand all bandaged up, again! I mean, he's getting as bad as ol' Dave7, who has his in a sling now, from what I could see last night, when he serenaded me from the middle of the street, in his star spangled thong and nipple clamps, or at least he did until the police turned up.

Perhaps I should turn my shy and reserved attentions to quiet Mr Classic33, I would be happy to leave front and back entrances open for him if he can stay fit, healthy and around!

What do you think?

That Woman up the road.

 

[Drago]

Dear Nicola,

Lance O'Classic is a fine physical specimen. He's also very much a ladies man, being a close friend and drinking buddy of Oscar "debagger" Wilde so he's sure to be round yours with a bottle of rohypnol and a bunch of daisies.

Seeing as the media are camped on you front lawn and watching your illicit camapervan you might be best opening up your rear and getting g him to enter via your back door. Just make sure he doesn't leave too speeding,y or it'll slam shut, which aside from being painful will alert the media.

 

[classic33]

I'll have a cuppa and think about it.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago, I have a cunning plan.
That 6'4" body builder is still shacked up wit that woman up the road.
To complicated things I have found out that he is a black belt in karate and represents Roumania in Judo.
Now, my cunning plan is to ask that Aunbrey geezer to come with me, we duff the guy up, chuck him out and leave the way clear.
Of course I will need Aubrey to promise to leave her to me but he seems a decent chap so that should work.
Can you see any problems with my plan? Please be honest.
Yours Mr Todger.
PS.... I have even bought a new thong to I.press her, this one is bright lime green.

 

[Drago]

Dear Mavis,

You don't need Aubrey's help. You can handle him alone and ckaim the glory.

My advice is to wind him up so he flies into a rage and loses all rational thought and reason, which is when you step in and slap him around a bit.

Saying something defamatory and the number of sexual partners his Mum has on the go should do it.

PS, Nicola likes a man in a mankini, expecially one printed with cartoon pictures of motorhomes.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

PS, Nicola likes a man in a mankini, expecially one printed with cartoon pictures of motorhomes.

errr - anyone know where you can get one of these


asking for a friend - obviously

 

[classic33]

errr - anyone know where you can get one of these


asking for a friend - obviously

These say you can send your picture in, and they'll print to match.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear gorgeous Unkie Draggy

I am so sorry to trouble you once again, but things have got even more complicated.

Having needs, I have entered an interesting relationship with Serge, a tall Romanian judo and origami expert. However, it turns out his height, martial arts and paper skills simply cannot make up for, how can I put this, his tiny appendage.

Now, Dave7 remains out of action with his bandaged todger still in a sparkly sling, Aubrey is being investigated by the Police for betting on his ability to both win me over and deliberately lose his upcoming election at the same time, while the lovely Mr Fang has FockeWulfed off, with his squadrons of model planes, to a new aerodrome, goodness knows where.

Meanwhile, the quiet Mr Classic33 remains quietly contemplating my offer, but has yet to visit either my back or front entrance.

However, a new gentleman, a Mr Ebikeerwidnes (not sure where he's from, do you think that is a North African, Maori or Slavic name?), has started walking up and down right outside my front entrance, in a veritable Dave7 style, wearing just a makini , with what appear to be motorhomes printed on it. To be honest, his undercarriage keeps slipping out by the offside rear wheel of a particularly fine representation of a VW Camper Van, much to the amusement of the local kids.

So, dearest Mr Dragtaskmaster should I; continue my search for the lovely Mr Fang (where can he have flown to), wait for Dave7s todger to heal (again!), wait for the court proceedings to be finished for the lovely Aubrey (still got my vote), wait to see if quiet Mr Classic33 finally makes his mind up as to which entrance he prefers (if either), or try a little motorhoming? Or, contact that surgeon in Ankara who Serge said could "sort" his issue out?

That "Frustrated" Woman up the road.

 

[Drago]

Dear Nicola,

I'd make a move on ebikerwidnes. Word his is Y fronts are printed with a picture of a model T Ford, and the deformed and wart covered starting crank handle is actually his love lolly. A grasp and a twirl and you can fire his sexual urges into life.

Best of all, word is that he vibrates like a Model T idling with a plug cap missing so you may find extra pleasure in trying to grapple his gears j to neutral.

Probably best to tell your kkqeste man thwt EBW is in the SAS, and thus avoid any unecessary bloodshed.

 

[classic33]

Dear Tosh Boy

Spoiler: A picture of me, on the sofa with not a stitch of clothing on!

No peeking if easily offended.

 

[Drago]

Lance O'Classic, yesterday, in his favourite bondage suit.