Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I had a really difficult childhood and I believe it has negatively affected my life.

We had it really tough when I was growing up. I had to do without essentials. I had to make do without Sky Television and had to survive on watching Coronation Street and repeats of the 1972 Morecambe and Wise Christmas special.

We could only afford one Jaguar and could only have smoked salmon twice a week. We were just so poor.

I was so desperate that I wrote to Jim'll Fix It asking for Sky, but he never replied. This has always made me feel unwanted.

How do you think I can overcome my deprived childhood?

Yours faithfully,
R. Sunak,
Downing Street.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Luscious Uncle Draggy

What is a woman to do. From being bereft of admirers, I now have Dave7 prancing up the street in one of his 1980's thongs, and rubbing his didgeridoo on my back entrance (he says it helps with the itching from his couple of nights at His Majesty's Pleasure).

Talking of pleasure, I have the lovely Aubrey practically begging me for some attention, or at least my vote, but also a very petite younger man, very smartly dressed, asking whether he can come in and watch Sky TV with me, as long as I don't mention the War, or at least not D-Day, oh, and give him my vote too, as he thinks it might make all the difference, and deliver his independence day?

Lovely Mr D, should I scratch Dave's itch, or throw my lot in with Aubrey, or with little Rishi Rich?

You won't tell the kind Mr Fang at No69 or quiet Mr Classic at No33 about these thoughts of mine, will you?

THAT Woman up the road.

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I had a really difficult childhood and I believe it has negatively affected my life.

We had it really tough when I was growing up. I had to do without essentials. I had to make do without Sky Television and had to survive on watching Coronation Street and repeats of the 1972 Morecambe and Wise Christmas special.

We could only afford one Jaguar and could only have smoked salmon twice a week. We were just so poor.

I was so desperate that I wrote to Jim'll Fix It asking for Sky, but he never replied. This has always made me feel unwanted.

How do you think I can overcome my deprived childhood?

Yours faithfully,
R. Sunak,
Downing Street.

Dear Tiedup,

I'm afraid I can't play with you any more. Mater says you're lower class and I shouldn't mix with your Skyless sort.

Dear Luscious Uncle Draggy

What is a woman to do. From being bereft of admirers, I now have Dave7 prancing up the street in one of his 1980's thongs, and rubbing his didgeridoo on my back entrance (he says it helps with the itching from his couple of nights at His Majesty's Pleasure).

Talking of pleasure, I have the lovely Aubrey practically begging me for some attention, or at least my vote, but also a very petite younger man, very smartly dressed, asking whether he can come in and watch Sky TV with me, as long as I don't mention the War, or at least not D-Day, oh, and give him my vote too, as he thinks it might make all the difference, and deliver his independence day?

Lovely Mr D, should I scratch Dave's itch, or throw my lot in with Aubrey, or with little Rishi Rich?

You won't tell the kind Mr Fang at No69 or quiet Mr Classic at No33 about these thoughts of mine, will you?

THAT Woman up the road.

Dear Nicola,

Here's an idea.

I saw you on the Porn Channel when you were Queen of Scotland, and you're clearly a saucy vixen.

That being the case you could invite both Mavis and Aubrey round for a threesome. Set up your smartphone and you could film them polling the electorate.

The downside is Rishi will never see the film as he doesn't have Sky TV.

The good news is that Keith Strummer bloke's parents saved so much money getting the boy a free private education they have the full Sky package, so it's possible a future PM could watch the movie and be impressed with your, er, manifesto.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Reading the dreadful plight of that Mr Sunak has resurrected terrible memories of a trauma I suffered.
What happened was that I wrote to Jim will fix it and asked that nice Mr Saville if he could arrange it for me to meet Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris .
Do you think that was the cause of my problems ??
Do you think I will ever get over it ??
Yours
Mr Todge.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Reading the dreadful plight of that Mr Sunak has resurrected terrible memories of a trauma I suffered.
What happened was that I wrote to Jim will fix it and asked that nice Mr Saville if he could arrange it for me to meet Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris .
Do you think that was the cause of my problems ??
Do you think I will ever get over it ??
Yours
Mr Todge.

Dear Nadge,

Thwt poor boy Sunak. Not only did he not have Sky TV, but he was forced to be driven the quarter mile to school in his Mum's Jag because his evil Father would take the Rolls. I can see how so much hardship could be traumatic for you.

I'm not a miracle worker, I can't set you up to meet folk beyond the grave. However, my dear friend, one Mr K Spacey of Belgravia, is looking forward very much to meeting you.

Oh, and you might want to wear your asbestos Y fronts.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
This might surprise you but I am determined to be a good boy and avoid that nasty policeman (I really think he has it in for me).
So my plan is to visit THAT woman while wearing my best string Y fronts.... the ones that were only washed 5 weeks ago.
I also read an excellent tip on a certain site so I plan to tie a bell to my todger. That way she will hear me coming.
So.....with your vast experience, do you think my plan is a good one.
Ohhh......how tight should I tie the string for the Bell be? I don't want it falling off !
Regards
Mr Todge.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
This might surprise you but I am determined to be a good boy and avoid that nasty policeman (I really think he has it in for me).
So my plan is to visit THAT woman while wearing my best string Y fronts.... the ones that were only washed 5 weeks ago.
I also read an excellent tip on a certain site so I plan to tie a bell to my todger. That way she will hear me coming.
So.....with your vast experience, do you think my plan is a good one.
Ohhh......how tight should I tie the string for the Bell be? I don't want it falling off !
Regards
Mr Todge.

Dear Mavis,

No need to wear a bell on you schlong. Word on the street is that you wail like a werewolf when you're coming.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
You will never guess where I am.
How I wish I had read your advice before it was too late.
Unfortunately by the time I read it I had tied the Bell on my todger.....a bit to tight sadly as I couldn't undo the knot.
So I went through with My plan and knocked on the door of that woman up the road.
She was so glad to see me that she yanked the door open. Sadly the string around my todger caught in the door knocker. WoW.....that hurt
So here I am in A&E with a bell PLUS a door knocker attached to my todger.
Again nurses are sniggering, police are waiting, I am naked except for a bell and door knocker.
Oh.. woe is me.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
You will never guess where I am.
How I wish I had read your advice before it was too late.
Unfortunately by the time I read it I had tied the Bell on my todger.....a bit to tight sadly as I couldn't undo the knot.
So I went through with My plan and knocked on the door of that woman up the road.
She was so glad to see me that she yanked the door open. Sadly the string around my todger caught in the door knocker. WoW.....that hurt
So here I am in A&E with a bell PLUS a door knocker attached to my todger.
Again nurses are sniggering, police are waiting, I am naked except for a bell and door knocker.
Oh.. woe is me.

Dear Mavis,

Why, why, oh why do you not follow my advice? My fear is now that surgical removal of your undercarriage is the only cure for your current predicament.

Sadly, Nicola Sturgeon won't fancy you any more, regardless of rhe number of motorhomee you may own.

Aubrey, on the other hand, will be round to take possession of your now un needed Y fronts before you can say "hello ducky, do you like me new frock?"

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have struggled for decades with a feelings of guilt. When I was a boy I phoned up Noel Edmunds on Swap Shop to swap my Rock Em Sock Em Robots game for a Mousetrap game. I told Noel Edmund's assistant that my toy was in tip top condition, but it wasn't. The Blue Robot's left arm did not work, putting him at a severe disadvantage to the Red Robot. It could never be a fair fight really. I always felt bad about that, although the game of Mousetrap I swapped it for was missing a counter. That did not matter so much because I didn't often have three other players to play it with anyway, and I could always use a bit of Lego for the other counter if we did have four players.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have struggled for decades with a feelings of guilt. When I was a boy I phoned up Noel Edmunds on Swap Shop to swap my Rock Em Sock Em Robots game for a Mousetrap game. I told Noel Edmund's assistant that my toy was in tip top condition, but it wasn't. The Blue Robot's left arm did not work, putting him at a severe disadvantage to the Red Robot. It could never be a fair fight really. I always felt bad about that, although the game of Mousetrap I swapped it for was missing a counter. That did not matter so much because I didn't often have three other players to play it with anyway, and I could always use a bit of Lego for the other counter if we did have four players.

This is so sad.

You started out a boy, then the Scottish government designated you as a girl on account ot your meat and two veg. No wonder you're confused.

The good news is that following your meeting with Noel Edmunds he's gone bankrupt. However, he is keen to make amends and has a set of lightly used bungee jumping gear he wants you to try out by way of an apology,

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
This is an update together with a request for advice.
Those kind doctors managed to undo the string around the old todger but ended up having to use a hacksaw.
That left me sore and with tears in my eyes.
So I went to see that woman up the road.......just to ask if she could rub some soothing cream on it.
You will not believe it but there was another man there.
She told me she could no longer put up with a man who gets a bell plus door knocker tied to his nether regions (she used other words).
She was not happy with number of times I spent with the police or A&E.
I am devastated.
How can I win her back... she is my one true love (apart from 2 others in the next road) oh and one close by.
Yours
Mr Todge.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
This is an update together with a request for advice.
Those kind doctors managed to undo the string around the old todger but ended up having to use a hacksaw.
That left me sore and with tears in my eyes.
So I went to see that woman up the road.......just to ask if she could rub some soothing cream on it.
You will not believe it but there was another man there.
She told me she could no longer put up with a man who gets a bell plus door knocker tied to his nether regions (she used other words).
She was not happy with number of times I spent with the police or A&E.
I am devastated.
How can I win her back... she is my one true love (apart from 2 others in the next road) oh and one close by.
Yours
Mr Todge.

Dear Mavis,

Firstly, may I say how glad I am to hear that your medical woes have been sorted. He hacksawing off of you nadger has left you with the unfortunate nickname "Stumpy", but you'll get over that.

As for your love rival, I would suggest you slap the cad with your duelling gauntlet forthwith. As Joe Biden would say, "erm.....er.....uhm.....where am I?"

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I confess, I feel a little let down by your advice.
I did as you suggested and went to that womans house with a gauntlet in order to slap the cad.
Unfortunately he turned out to be a 6'4" body builder.
I am back in A&E while the doctor is trying to extricate a gauntlet and a pair of Y fronts from my jacksie.
Why do those nurses keep sniggering?

 

[Drago]

Dear Mavis,

Do not despair. Only losers give in at rhe first hurdle.

There are two ways to defeat this chap and forever gain Nicola Sturgis's undying affection.

You can bit rhe gym yourself and bulk up to insane proportions.

Or you can tell Charles Bronson that this chap is an Iraqi hijacker. You then just sit back and let nature take its course.