Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I think I met the girl of my dreams at the Daewoo club but is the fact that she drives an Espero with tartan seat covers and a nodding dog a bit of a bit of a red flag?

I have run into a problem with my Nicola story as she says she doesn't smoke so couldn't give me a light. She also claimed I had left my handcuffs behind me but I deny all knowledge as I have never been in the police in my life.

I had employed the service of Accy to help me dress more smartly. Do you think this is wise? So far we've drove around all the charity shops in Accrington in a tiny Fiat cabriolet. My cravat got caught in the food blender and my Panama hat blew out the sunroof of the Fiat when we were speeding down the high street at 13.5 MPH.

I have an interview tomorrow with The Beano and it gives me an excellent chance to put forward my political ambitions. Are there any controversial topics I should avoid that might upset The Beano readership? I consider it such an honour to be giving an interview for such an intellectual journal.

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I think I met the girl of my dreams at the Daewoo club but is the fact that she drives an Espero with tartan seat covers and a nodding dog a bit of a bit of a red flag?

I have run into a problem with my Nicola story as she says she doesn't smoke so couldn't give me a light. She also claimed I had left my handcuffs behind me but I deny all knowledge as I have never been in the police in my life.

I had employed the service of Accy to help me dress more smartly. Do you think this is wise? So far we've drove around all the charity shops in Accrington in a tiny Fiat cabriolet. My cravat got caught in the food blender and my Panama hat blew out the sunroof of the Fiat when we were speeding down the high street at 13.5 MPH.

I have an interview tomorrow with The Beano and it gives me an excellent chance to put forward my political ambitions. Are there any controversial topics I should avoid that might upset The Beano readership? I consider it such an honour to be giving an interview for such an intellectual journal.

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Andy,

A Daewoo Espero, eh? Sounds a classy chick! You seem to be much happier there than at rhe Yugo Owners Club.

Probably best to stay away from Nicola. She'll be off to prison soon, and now she doesn't have the motorhome any more there's nothing to distract you from the inconvenient presence of her pink torpedo. Still, fun while it lasted, eh?

The Beano! Heady stuff indeed. Clearly fans of the two big political parties are avid readers, particularly of the Bash Street Kids, which is based on the shadow cabinet. I'd stick to safe, uncontroversial topics - climate change, the economy, taxation, and the mandatory fitting of schlongs to Scottish women are all unlikely to raise much in the way of excitement or comment. Just try and gloss over your planned £2000 tax rise. Oh, national service is a guaranteed winner!

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am thinking of donating my body to science (once I die of course). The question is which science? Most people are boring and opt for medical science, but I want to be adventurous.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am thinking of donating my body to science (once I die of course). The question is which science? Most people are boring and opt for medical science, but I want to be adventurous.

Dear Brown Thing,

Very noble indeed. With a body like yours I would think cryptozoology would be most appropriate.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Would you believe it, I am in trouble again and in need of your advice.
I decided to behave properly so went to visit that woman up the road while fully dressed.
I rang the bell. She has one of those fancy camera thingies to check who it is. Thing is she didn't recognise me as I was dressed so I had to undress on the pavement. You wont believe it but just as I was naked that very same police car came past.
So once again I am in a cell trying to think of a defence.
Do you have any advice to offer me. Anything, I am desperate.
Yours
Mr Todge.

 

[Drago]

Dear Nudie,

You do get into some scrapes, eh?

I've checked with a few of my contacts in the dibble and it seems you've not told me the whole story.

You failed to mention the cucumber sticking out your bum, and that you made a pass at the female police officer, offering to "Park the beef bus in tuna town" for her...

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Nudie,

You do get into some scrapes, eh?

I've checked with a few of my contacts in the dibble and it seems you've not told me the whole story.

You failed to mention the cucumber sticking out your bum, and that you made a pass at the female police officer, offering to "Park the beef bus in tuna town" for her...

Oh come on - don;t tell half the story

Did she accept his kind offer - or did her colleague jump in first to help out??

 

[Drago]

...upon which she slapped the handcuffs around the bounder's scrotum.

He complained, and they took his point...and covered it in ink and fingerprinted it. She he ended up walking home wearing shorts improvised from a McDonalds bag, bruised space hoppers, and ink all over his point.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

...upon which she slapped the handcuffs around the bounder's scrotum.

He complained, and they took his point...and covered it in ink and fingerprinted it. She he ended up walking home wearing shorts improvised from a McDonalds bag, bruised space hoppers, and ink all over his point.

Much appreciated
I hate to be left dangling

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago. May I ask your advice please.
I managed to walk home, even with the protuding cucumber. I got some funny looks but hey ho..... part of life's rich tapestry.
Anyway, I have extricated the cucumber using a vice and a lump hammer.
What I am struggling with is the ink all over my dangly bits. THAT woman up the road Says she won't come near me until the ink has gone.
I tried scrubbing said bits.......felt nice at first then got very sore.
I tried a brillo pad with no success.
So my love life is at a halt.
What can you suggest to remove the ink??
Regards
Mr Todge.

 

[Drago]

Dear Mavis,

I'm not sure anything will remove the ink. Probably best to swy its a birthmark, or a tattoo of Gary Linekar that only becomes visible at, erm, full expansion,

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dearest Loveliest Mr Drago

I saw cheeky Dave7 the other evening, and you never know what, but he has suddenly got, what he's calling a birthmark, on his "hows your father!"

Now, I don't recall seeing this "birthmark" when he trotted up the road with, what I think, was the end of a perfectly good cucumber sticking out of his nether regions. But, here's the really strange thing Mr D, he seemed to get quite excited when he stood directly in line with my front entrance, although he did seem to have trouble locating the exact position of my little doorbell!

Anyway, he was so excited, I'm pretty certain, and I'm not making this up, a tattoo of that lovely Gary Linekar fella, was in plain sight, amazing!

It was at this point that a burly police officer rather rudely bundled him away, so I didn't get the opportunity of investigating this apparition any further.

Do you think my frustrations with Dave7, Aubrey, kind Mr Fang and quiet Classic33 are playing tricks on my mind?

THAT Woman up the road.

 

[Drago]

Dearest Loveliest Mr Drago

I saw cheeky Dave7 the other evening, and you never know what, but he has suddenly got, what he's calling a birthmark, on his "hows your father!"

Now, I don't recall seeing this "birthmark" when he trotted up the road with, what I think, was the end of a perfectly good cucumber sticking out of his nether regions. But, here's the really strange thing Mr D, he seemed to get quite excited when he stood directly in line with my front entrance, although he did seem to have trouble locating the exact position of my little doorbell!

Anyway, he was so excited, I'm pretty certain, and I'm not making this up, a tattoo of that lovely Gary Linekar fella, was in plain sight, amazing!

It was at this point that a burly police officer rather rudely bundled him away, so I didn't get the opportunity of investigating this apparition any further.

Do you think my frustrations with Dave7, Aubrey, kind Mr Fang and quiet Classic33 are playing tricks on my mind?

THAT Woman up the road.

Dear Nicola,

No, it is not a figment of your imagination. It really was a tattoo of Gary Linekar on Daves yippee rod.

The problem is that the McDibble are hell bent on fitting Dave up up for something, and the only person who'll have the chance to see this birthmark for the next 18 years now is Big Bubba.

The good news is that next time you see Dave his farts will be totally silent.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
May I update you on "things".
Fortunately Bubba had a new friend.
I agreed to a fine and was released.
I am, once again, on my way to visit THAT woman up the road.
Problems !!!!
As you know I tried to get the tattoos off my dangly bits. I scrubbed. I used a brillo pad.......no success. I then read on Google that citric acid could do the trick. So I had my bits dangling in acid for 2 hours. Very painful but it seems to have worked.
So...... I am about to visit her. I have reverted to my thong which should help.
Do you have any advice to offer?
Yours Mr (sore) Todge.

 

[Drago]

Dear Mavis,

I'm glad things are finally looking up for you.

My advice - keep your space hoppers well tucked into the cheese wire thong. You may find a pair of vintage Y fronts offer far more security for your undercarriage, and the brown stains can be explained away as 1970s speed stripes.

And my other piecemof advice. If she offers to show you her Krankies memorabilia then under know circumstances go upstairs to view it. Jeremy Corbyn went up there 5 years ago and hasn't been seen since.