Uncle Drago's agony column

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Once more I find myself in need of your wise advice.
Yesterday I decided to visit that woman up the road again. I decided to be respectful but sexy and wore only my string Y fronts. They were quite fresh as only worn for the last 5 weeks.
Unfortunately there was no parking close by so I decided to walk the last 500 yards
Now, this is hard to believe but 2 things happened at the same time.
1. A woman opened a door, saw me, screamed and passed out. Of course, I rushed over to help her.... totally unaware that the old todger had escaped.
2. At that moment, would you believe it, a police car was passing.
So here I am in a cell trying to work out my defence.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Yours
Mr Todge

 

[Drago]

Dear Bodge,

I have reviewed the CCTV footage from the area.

The problem is not your Y fronts, which at a mere 5 weeks old were fresh-out the packet as far as I'm concerned.

No, it's that your love plums we're poking out, one each side of the elastic, that caused the problem.

I think your best bet is to try and persuade the Feds that they are not testes but are in fact Space Hoppers, albeit very hairy ones of different sizes.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

The Benny Hill dinner was a great success. Even when I tripped whilst doing a Benny Hill funny walk after fourteen pints, I managed to pass it off as a part of the act. I'm sure when the success of the evening makes the papers, it will do my image a lot of good. Unfortunately, I didn't get chased by any semi-naked ladies. I was very disappointed by this.

Perhaps I could start a career as a public speaker as I've also been invited to talk at the Ford Granada owners club dinner and also at the Daewoo enthusiasts club. What content do you recommend for addressing these wonderful car clubs?

As for the letter, I am thinking about taking a leaf out of Bill Clinton's book and saying I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I had merely popped around to borrow a lighter to light my King Edward. Do you think this will work?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I had just finished weathering the paintwork on my model Tiger tank, and I thought I would go to the hardware store to buy some cleaning products for my iron cross collection. On exiting my front door I was nearly knocked down by a nearly naked man on roller blades holding a rainbow flag. Surely there is a law against this sort of thing. People say be kind, live and let live, and that sort of thing, but in my opinion sexual deviants should at least be discrete. I do not want to imagine the activities people like them engage in with others of their kind. It sullies the mind.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
The Captain's such a bozo. He has just been down on the desert planet wrestling an alligator-man. There was quite a lot at stake. If the alligator-man won our ship would have been destroyed. If the captain won then theirs would be destroyed. The outcome was never really in doubt. Got to give the captain credit, he's good in a scrap. Then the captain made a plea for clemency to the super-beings running the planet to spare the other ship, but they wouldn't have it. I was off duty in the canteen at the time, and we all crowded around the port holes to see what would happen. Their ship just faded out of existence. We were a bit disappointed about that. I don't know what we were expecting, but something a bit more, I don't know, fitting to the occasion. Then the communications officer sang one of her native folk songs. Then the chief engineer asked if we wanted to see his white elephant impression and we said no. The weapons officer treated us to a demonstration of Cosack dancing and then it was time to turn in. It just seems like one day is just like the other. I am wondering whether to transfer to another ship or to hang on until the end of the deployment.

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

The Benny Hill dinner was a great success. Even when I tripped whilst doing a Benny Hill funny walk after fourteen pints, I managed to pass it off as a part of the act. I'm sure when the success of the evening makes the papers, it will do my image a lot of good. Unfortunately, I didn't get chased by any semi-naked ladies. I was very disappointed by this.

Perhaps I could start a career as a public speaker as I've also been invited to talk at the Ford Granada owners club dinner and also at the Daewoo enthusiasts club. What content do you recommend for addressing these wonderful car clubs?

As for the letter, I am thinking about taking a leaf out of Bill Clinton's book and saying I did not have sexual relations with that woman. I had merely popped around to borrow a lighter to light my King Edward. Do you think this will work?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Austin,

Time to by shares in the AA. You'll make a killing selling memberships at the Grandad and Daewoo clubs.

As for Nicola, you popped round for a light and at no point did you rummage in her cookie jar.

Dear Uncle Drago,
I had just finished weathering the paintwork on my model Tiger tank, and I thought I would go to the hardware store to buy some cleaning products for my iron cross collection. On exiting my front door I was nearly knocked down by a nearly naked man on roller blades holding a rainbow flag. Surely there is a law against this sort of thing. People say be kind, live and let live, and that sort of thing, but in my opinion sexual deviants should at least be discrete. I do not want to imagine the activities people like them engage in with others of their kind. It sullies the mind.

Dear Green Fing,

There is indeed a low against such a thing. Naked men on roller skates with a potato up the rectum are legally obliged to display the skull and crossbones. The rainbow flag is for those dressed up as George, Zippy or Bungle.

Dear Uncle Drago,
The Captain's such a bozo. He has just been down on the desert planet wrestling an alligator-man. There was quite a lot at stake. If the alligator-man won our ship would have been destroyed. If the captain won then theirs would be destroyed. The outcome was never really in doubt. Got to give the captain credit, he's good in a scrap. Then the captain made a plea for clemency to the super-beings running the planet to spare the other ship, but they wouldn't have it. I was off duty in the canteen at the time, and we all crowded around the port holes to see what would happen. Their ship just faded out of existence. We were a bit disappointed about that. I don't know what we were expecting, but something a bit more, I don't know, fitting to the occasion. Then the communications officer sang one of her native folk songs. Then the chief engineer asked if we wanted to see his white elephant impression and we said no. The weapons officer treated us to a demonstration of Cosack dancing and then it was time to turn in. It just seems like one day is just like the other. I am wondering whether to transfer to another ship or to hang on until the end of the deployment.

Dear Arthur,

Have you ever noticed how the captains shirt falls off rather a lot and he has lots or bestial sex with alien chicks?

Well, if you fancy some ot that then a transfer to the Academy for the captains training course is for you.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Loveliest Dragoman

As neither Dave7 nor Aubrey have called round to my rear entrance recently, I took the initiative, and with a Churchill Tank kit, grasped to my heaving bosom, I trotted over to see lovely Mr Fang (well, once ol' soggy bottoms passionate "noises" finally subsided in the flat above him).

Mr Fang took a while to open his door, and looked somewhat flustered and very red in the face. I've told him before to have a rest between building his impressive model collection and catching up on his latest Star Trek episode (he does have a slight Vulcan look about him, which to be honest Mr Drago, does tickle my fancy).

Anyway, I said how difficult it must be for him, having to sit model building and watching the valiant crew of the Enterprise, whilst that racket goes on above him. No wonder he always look so whacked out!

Anyway, he was over the moon with the model kit, well, I presume he was by the way he caressed it out of my hold, and the interesting kiss he gave me. But, unfortunately, he then said he was simply too tired, after such a full on day. Poor dear, I do worry about him.

So, Mr D, kind sir, do you think I should buy a T-34 kit, and see if that tickles Mr Fang's interest, or wait for Dave7 round the back, or, attend Aubrey's next election event, and wait outside with my autograph book and a hungry look in my eyes?

THAT Woman up the road.

 

[Drago]

Dear Loveliest Dragoman

As neither Dave7 nor Aubrey have called round to my rear entrance recently, I took the initiative, and with a Churchill Tank kit, grasped to my heaving bosom, I trotted over to see lovely Mr Fang (well, once ol' soggy bottoms passionate "noises" finally subsided in the flat above him).

Mr Fang took a while to open his door, and looked somewhat flustered and very red in the face. I've told him before to have a rest between building his impressive model collection and catching up on his latest Star Trek episode (he does have a slight Vulcan look about him, which to be honest Mr Drago, does tickle my fancy).

Anyway, I said how difficult it must be for him, having to sit model building and watching the valiant crew of the Enterprise, whilst that racket goes on above him. No wonder he always look so whacked out!

Anyway, he was over the moon with the model kit, well, I presume he was by the way he caressed it out of my hold, and the interesting kiss he gave me. But, unfortunately, he then said he was simply too tired, after such a full on day. Poor dear, I do worry about him.

So, Mr D, kind sir, do you think I should buy a T-34 kit, and see if that tickles Mr Fang's interest, or wait for Dave7 round the back, or, attend Aubrey's next election event, and wait outside with my autograph book and a hungry look in my eyes?

THAT Woman up the road.

Dear Nicola,

I'm surprised that neither man has been intruding in your back passage of late. Perhaps the rear gate to Chastity Cottages is locked?

Have you notice how Fang has a grossly overdeveloped right arm? Some kind of birth deformity, I expect.

I think you should pop round a rare and highly prized Kettenkrad 1:3463 model kit. What man could resist grasping your handlebars while locking your tracks in turn? If you could wear your Eva Braun SS outfit he'd be up you like a tory up a peerage.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I am becoming frustrated with my (lack of) love life.
I decided to visit that woman up the road. She previously asked if, next time, I would use her back entrance. Being old fashioned I prefer to use the front entrance but on this occasion I agreed. However, no matter how I tried, even using both hands I just could open the back entrance enough.
So, thoroughly disappointed I walked home but on the way I met a beautiful dark haired girl who invited me back to "HER" place. She said she was from Thailand. I was gob smacked to find "SHE" had a bigger todger than me!!!
I didn't know I could run that fast.
Am I destined to be without true love ?
Yours
Mr Todge

 

[derrick]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I seem to have lost my sense of humour, just checked out the joke section on cyclechat, there was nothing that made me laugh, How do i get my sense of humour back?

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I am becoming frustrated with my (lack of) love life.
I decided to visit that woman up the road. She previously asked if, next time, I would use her back entrance. Being old fashioned I prefer to use the front entrance but on this occasion I agreed. However, no matter how I tried, even using both hands I just could open the back entrance enough.
So, thoroughly disappointed I walked home but on the way I met a beautiful dark haired girl who invited me back to "HER" place. She said she was from Thailand. I was gob smacked to find "SHE" had a bigger todger than me!!!
I didn't know I could run that fast.
Am I destined to be without true love ?
Yours
Mr Todge

Dear Nadger,

Ah,you've discovered Nicola's problem - she is extremely anally retentive, to the point that she once worked using her Buttocks as a sheet metal machine press. Things could end badly for you if she unlocked the tradesman entrance and then had a sneezing fit just as you were crossing the threshold.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience of a woman with a love lolly, but I've told you time and again that Scotland is a strange place and women must, by act of Parliament, have a schlong. On the plus side it gives you something to grab hold of.

I'm sure true love will find you. Try setting yourself up with an OnlyFans page, see what interest you get.

Dear Uncle Drago,
I seem to have lost my sense of humour, just checked out the joke section on cyclechat, there was nothing that made me laugh, How do i get my sense of humour back?

Dear Eric,

Watch Nigel Farage on tonight's debate. You'll either be frightened witless or else will have the best laugh of recent years.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have really gone and done it this time. The Communications Officer was singing one of her native folk songs in the canteen. She was singing in one of those African languages with the clicks. Well, I rushed in and asked where the radiation leak was because I could hear a geiger counter. I thought it was funny, but nobody else laughed. The Communications Officer raised a complaint and the upshot is I am being dropped off at Segna 4 to undergo a cultural sensitivity awareness course. The Captain says if I pass it really well I might be allowed to maintain the engines on a Federation minesweeper. In the meantime I have been broken to ranks and I have been redeployed to change the coloured bulbs on the computer. I wonder what those coloured lights mean, nobody seems to know. I thought about changing one of the colours around to see what happens, but I am in enough trouble already. Usually, one of the red-shirts would do this, but we are getting low of them. We were going to Segna 4 to pick up some more. The Senior Engineer post is being filled by the Science Officer for the time being. Apparently, he has increased the efficiency of the engines from 40 to 60%. I expect he is running the engines hot. There is a reason for not running the engines hot, and I hope I am on Segna 4 when it happens. Strange, I would not expect the Captain to understand anything about it, but Pointy Ears definitely would. I wonder what he is up to.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Some people are kind. One of my neighbours, who I cannot remember ever speaking to before, came around and gave me a kit of a Churchill tank. This is great because it gives me a chance to recreate Erwin's Rommels' victory against the allies at the Kasserine Pass. She also mentioned something about a T34. This would also be welcome as it would allow me to restage Michael Wittmann's actions against the Soviets during the Battle of Kursk. Strange, I've never known a woman to have an interest in model kits before. I suppose they were a son's who had never got around to building them and has flown the nest. Some considerable time ago by the looks of her.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have really gone and done it this time. The Communications Officer was singing one of her native folk songs in the canteen. She was singing in one of those African languages with the clicks. Well, I rushed in and asked where the radiation leak was because I could hear a geiger counter. I thought it was funny, but nobody else laughed. The Communications Officer raised a complaint and the upshot is I am being dropped off at Segna 4 to undergo a cultural sensitivity awareness course. The Captain says if I pass it really well I might be allowed to maintain the engines on a Federation minesweeper. In the meantime I have been broken to ranks and I have been redeployed to change the coloured bulbs on the computer. I wonder what those coloured lights mean, nobody seems to know. I thought about changing one of the colours around to see what happens, but I am in enough trouble already. Usually, one of the red-shirts would do this, but we are getting low of them. We were going to Segna 4 to pick up some more. The Senior Engineer post is being filled by the Science Officer for the time being. Apparently, he has increased the efficiency of the engines from 40 to 60%. I expect he is running the engines hot. There is a reason for not running the engines hot, and I hope I am on Segna 4 when it happens. Strange, I would not expect the Captain to understand anything about it, but Pointy Ears definitely would. I wonder what he is up to.

Dear Wild Fang,

Oh dear. That's the cultural awareness course where the ravenous blugbatter beast of kraal is inserted into your bottom, from where it moves along your spine and reprogrammed the woke centre of the brain. You'll forever be hoping the postie brings you an invite tomknemof Barrymore's pool parties.

As for the minesweeper lights, nothing more than a futuristic game of SIMON.

Dear Uncle Drago,
Some people are kind. One of my neighbours, who I cannot remember ever speaking to before, came around and gave me a kit of a Churchill tank. This is great because it gives me a chance to recreate Erwin's Rommels' victory against the allies at the Kasserine Pass. She also mentioned something about a T34. This would also be welcome as it would allow me to restage Michael Wittmann's actions against the Soviets during the Battle of Kursk. Strange, I've never known a woman to have an interest in model kits before. I suppose they were a son's who had never got around to building them and has flown the nest. Some considerable time ago by the looks of her.

Dear Time Monopoliser,

Be careful. The gift of tanks is a coded messages. She's telling younthet she admires your 17 pounder and would like to see it at maximum elevation. If she brings you a Sherman Firefly kit it's time to start thinking unsexy thoughts.

 

[classic33]

Dear Wild Fang,

Oh dear. That's the cultural awareness course where the ravenous blugbatter beast of kraal is inserted into your bottom, from where it moves along your spine and reprogrammed the woke centre of the brain. You'll forever be hoping the postie brings you an invite tomknemof Barrymore's pool parties.

As for the minesweeper lights, nothing more than a futuristic game of SIMON.



Dear Time Monopoliser,

Be careful. The gift of tanks is a coded messages. She's telling younthet she admires your 17 pounder and would like to see it at maximum elevation. If she brings you a Sherman Firefly kit it's time to start thinking unsexy thoughts.

Should she bring an M7, get out!