Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Nicola,

Oh yes. I, like most or the male population of England, am really close to Liz Truss. Some might say I'm an insider.

Anyway, I heard your call and can advise that a group of brownshirts will drop an 8 track cartridge round to you at the synagogue later tonight.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
What is your opinion on full frontal labotomies? I was thinking of having one done. Not on myself, but on woman upstairs. I am fed up with the sound of her orgasming when I am painting my airfix kits. I'd be concentrating on painting the leadwork on an Me109 cockpit when I'd be distracted by a very loud 'ooh' and then I'd get grey paint all down the glass windshield. Always happens.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
What is your opinion on full frontal labotomies? I was thinking of having one done. Not on myself, but on woman upstairs. I am fed up with the sound of her orgasming when I am painting my airfix kits. I'd be concentrating on painting the leadwork on an Me109 cockpit when I'd be distracted by a very loud 'ooh' and then I'd get grey paint all down the glass windshield. Always happens.

Dear Frank,

I'm not sure a lobotomy will stop the woman upstairs from screaming.

Next time you're playing "airfix kits" with her just be sure to do a poor job and not bring her to orgasm, and the process will be much quieter.

Thwt said, the decibels from the nagging you'll receive afterwards might want you to stick your size 12 lobotomy in her frontals.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I fear I am in trouble again.
I decided to discuss things with that woman up the road. I decided not to go naked (still frightened of that dog) so instead wore a very fetching sparkly pink thong. A bit tight to be honest and my bits kept falling out.
Anyway I got confused and knocked on the wrong door which was opened by a 93 year old lady who proceeded to collapse and was taken to hospital
I felt just a tad responsible so went with her.
So here I am again in A&E and for some reason getting strange looks, in particular from a rather large gentleman who keeps licking his lips.
I know my bits keep popping out but I do put them back when I notice.
In my rush I forgot to pick up money or credit card so will be walking home, at least not naked this time.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Yours again
Tadger

 

[Drago]

Dear Todger,

I have looked into this and it seems the large gentleman with the moist lips is known locally as Bubba. The good news is he likes you a lot and wants to be your friend, so there's nothing to worry about there I'm sure.

As for the old lady, well, she's had a good innings. See if those rings will come off her fingers, and you can present one to Bubba as a token of your admiration.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dearest and Lovliest Uncle Drago

My heart is torn asunder.

I was all set with a new bottle of oil, when I spied our Dave7 waltzing up the road, not naked, no, no, no, but in an incredibly small and very tight pink thong. Veritably popping he was. Here we go I thought!

Now, I am not afraid to say that all thoughts of Aubrey "Benny Hill" Tyred flew out of my head.

I even momentarily forgot about the Focke Wolf 190 kit I'd bought for that lovely Mr Fang at No 69.

However, and hang on a minute while I have a little weep, Dave7 carried on waltzing straight past my open back entrance (I've told him to not use the front door anymore) and onto that old hag Mavis Soggybottom in the flat above the lovely Mr Fang (you know, the woman who can still scream the street down in the middle of wild passion, even at the age of 93! Mr Fang has told me how her noisy sessions have upset him playing with his favourite kit).

So dearest, loveliest Mr D, should I hold out with my open back entrance any longer for two timing Dave7, or still try and ingratiate myself with Aubrey (oooh, Benny Hill) and his lovely election campaign, or simply help Mr Fang finish off his cockpit?

THAT woman up the road.

 

[Drago]

Dear Nicola,

I'm afraid that Davina no longer wishes to enter your dragon. He was last seen bound, gagged, and tied to a chair while wearing a wedding dress.

Thwt being the case, I'd try and rekindle the passion with Aubrey, who likes them big.

And do not despair about the noisy Mr Fang. His noisy appreciation is a handy distraction when trying to sneak an illicit motor home onto the driveway, or when enacting legislation making it mandatory for new ferries to never be completed.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I think the radio interview went quite well from a political point of view but then I got involved with a bit of light entertainment and I think it was a mistake to have "Two little boys" as my desert island disk.

Then I gave my opinion on why I thought climate change is a load of rubbish when I thought I was off-air but the mic was still on and now the press are saying I'm trying to kill the planet. How can I put a positive spin on this?

There are also rumours in the press that I was drinking driving because a pink Daewoo Lanos was found beached on top of the ornamental fountain in the park but it was merely one that matched the description of my courtesy vehicle. It's just another embarrassing incident that the press are trying to use to discredit my election campaign. What do you think I should tell the press? They claim there is only one pink Daewoo Lanos in the country.

I'll be pleased when I get my beloved Granada Ghia back. It's much stronger if you accidentally bump ino a fountain.

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey.

 

[Drago]

Dear Angie,

I'm so glad the interview went well. It's about time we had a politician that spoke common sense in plain English, albeit with a really bad lisp.

As for the Daewoo? Well, it's clearly modern sculpture celebrating diversity. The pink representing the the LBGT community, and the fountain representing the penis so common among the women of your Scottish constituency, the water your cleansing influence on the corruption of those politicians thar went before you.

I really should be in PR. I'm wasted writing the agony column for the Aberdeen Advertiser at 12p per response.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Gorgeous Mr Drago

I was listening to the wireless the other day, whilst waiting to see if Dave7 would, once again, be turning into my back door, and I heard that lovely Aubrey on Desert Island Discs.

You're never going to believe it, but he even chose Two Little Boys by that lovely Rolfy Harris fella. What ever happened to him?

Anyway, it got my mind wandering and the old juices flowing again, and I thought, "Uhmm, Dave7, Aubrey (and his 2 little toys), lovely Mr Fang and his such clever hands (what amazing models he doth play with, despite the screaming coming from the flat above), OR, what about that very quiet Classic33? You know what they say about the quiet ones....."

Your untrammeled wisdom and foresight sought once again Bonny Drago.

THAT woman up the road.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dearest and Lovliest Uncle Drago

My heart is torn asunder.

I was all set with a new bottle of oil, when I spied our Dave7 waltzing up the road, not naked, no, no, no, but in an incredibly small and very tight pink thong. Veritably popping he was. Here we go I thought!

Now, I am not afraid to say that all thoughts of Aubrey "Benny Hill" Tyred flew out of my head.

I even momentarily forgot about the Focke Wolf 190 kit I'd bought for that lovely Mr Fang at No 69.

However, and hang on a minute while I have a little weep, Dave7 carried on waltzing straight past my open back entrance (I've told him to not use the front door anymore) and onto that old hag Mavis Soggybottom in the flat above the lovely Mr Fang (you know, the woman who can still scream the street down in the middle of wild passion, even at the age of 93! Mr Fang has told me how her noisy sessions have upset him playing with his favourite kit).

So dearest, loveliest Mr D, should I hold out with my open back entrance any longer for two timing Dave7, or still try and ingratiate myself with Aubrey (oooh, Benny Hill) and his lovely election campaign, or simply help Mr Fang finish off his cockpit?

THAT woman up the road.

93! I did not know she was as old as that. She doesn't sound it. I wondered who the Stannah stairlift belonged to.
And thank you very much for the offer of the Focke Wulf 190. May I ask which mark it is. I have a representative number of the A variant with the BMW 801 engine, and also a couple of the D variant with the Junkers Jumo 213 engine. That is not counting the Ta 152, which in appearance is very similar to the 'Langnasen Dora', i.e. Fw190D. I would be very keen to have a Fw190C fitted with a Daimler Benz DB603

 

[Drago]

Dear Gorgeous Mr Drago

I was listening to the wireless the other day, whilst waiting to see if Dave7 would, once again, be turning into my back door, and I heard that lovely Aubrey on Desert Island Discs.

You're never going to believe it, but he even chose Two Little Boys by that lovely Rolfy Harris fella. What ever happened to him?

Anyway, it got my mind wandering and the old juices flowing again, and I thought, "Uhmm, Dave7, Aubrey (and his 2 little toys), lovely Mr Fang and his such clever hands (what amazing models he doth play with, despite the screaming coming from the flat above), OR, what about that very quiet Classic33? You know what they say about the quiet ones....."

Your untrammeled wisdom and foresight sought once again Bonny Drago.

THAT woman up the road.

Dear Nicola,

Since you ask, old Rolf "look at me digeridoo" Harris is in Hell. Its much like the real world, but the little boys are all Philip Schofield.

And Lance O'Classic isn't a quiet one. He was howling like a werewolf when Dirty Gertie from number thirty was thrashing him across the thighs with her string vest.

93! I did not know she was as old as that. She doesn't sound it. I wondered who the Stannah stairlift belonged to.
And thank you very much for the offer of the Focke Wulf 190. May I ask which mark it is. I have a representative number of the A variant with the BMW 801 engine, and also a couple of the D variant with the Junkers Jumo 213 engine. That is not counting the Ta 152, which in appearance is very similar to the 'Langnasen Dora', i.e. Fw190D. I would be very keen to have a Fw190C fitted with a Daimler Benz DB603

Dear Yellow Thing,

I saw your letter in my mailbag. It appears to be some kind of code.

Arthur from the bookies has cracked the code, and it seems to be some kind of poem...

Oh dearest Bubba,
When first we met I did flubber,
You reminded me of my Mother,
Who made me wear a rubber,
Who had a similarly sized pork club-ah!

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I have been invited to speak at the annual Benny Hill fan club dinner. Is this likely to help my election chances if I say yes? I'm sure it would do my popularity no harm to be seen dancing with Hill's Angels.

The good news is that my Granada Ghia has been repaired and now ready for the road again. I look forward to being able to drift around wet roundabouts again. The front wheel drive Daewoo Lanos doesn't do it for me.

The problem is that the garage have sent me a bill for recovering their Daewoo from the top of the fountain. I don't think this is fair.

I also seem to have a female admirer up the road. I'm sure it would make me more electable if I have a trophy wife so I want to create a good impression.

I was thinking about employing the services of the snappy dressing dandy, Accy, to help me choose a new tie, Panama hat and brogues. Do you think this is a good idea?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[classic33]

Dear Drago,

I have been invited to speak at the annual Benny Hill fan club dinner. Is this likely to help my election chances if I say yes? I'm sure it would do my popularity no harm to be seen dancing with Hill's Angels.

The good news is that my Granada Ghia has been repaired and now ready for the road again. I look forward to being able to drift around wet roundabouts again. The front wheel drive Daewoo Lanos doesn't do it for me.

The problem is that the garage have sent me a bill for recovering their Daewoo from the top of the fountain. I don't think this is fair.

I also seem to have a female admirer up the road. I'm sure it would make me more electable if I have a trophy wife so I want to create a good impression.

I was thinking about employing the services of the snappy dressing dandy, Accy, to help me choose a new tie, Panama hat and brogues. Do you think this is a good idea?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

I don't think you'd have many problems keeping people on your side with these on either side of you.

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I have been invited to speak at the annual Benny Hill fan club dinner. Is this likely to help my election chances if I say yes? I'm sure it would do my popularity no harm to be seen dancing with Hill's Angels.

The good news is that my Granada Ghia has been repaired and now ready for the road again. I look forward to being able to drift around wet roundabouts again. The front wheel drive Daewoo Lanos doesn't do it for me.

The problem is that the garage have sent me a bill for recovering their Daewoo from the top of the fountain. I don't think this is fair.

I also seem to have a female admirer up the road. I'm sure it would make me more electable if I have a trophy wife so I want to create a good impression.

I was thinking about employing the services of the snappy dressing dandy, Accy, to help me choose a new tie, Panama hat and brogues. Do you think this is a good idea?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Tyler,

Yes indeed, association with the Benny Hill fan club will win you a large chunk of the tory vote, for it is they that admire the great mans sober grasp of economics and international relations .

It is indeed unfair that the garage are charging you for removing the mighty Daewoo. However, it's even more unfair that they have been through the glove of and fou d the lofe letter you wrote to the old dear up the road, photocopied it, and pasted it all over town, you dirty boy. Still, it may not be all bad - such kinkyness will further attract the tory vote, at least those not tied to a bed with an apple in their mouth.