Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Aunty Draggy

I am positively bereft! I have just, finally, seen my heart throb, Aubrey Tyred, in the flesh, driving down the road.

However, as he swerved to miss naked Dave7, who was cycling up the road after another oil session, I noticed that Aubrey was in a fluffy pink car with bloomin' eyelashes longer than mine!

I've got to be honest, my lustful thoughts disappated quicker than the oil on Dave7's todger.

What am I to do, a woman has needs!

Should I keep servicing naked Dave7, or see if I can turn ol' Aubrey back into my lustful dream of a 2nd coming of hunky Benny Hill?

Still "THAT" Woman up the road.

Dear Nicola,

Your problem is that people expect the women of Scotland to have a winky. You look as if you should have one, but you assure me that you do not. The o ly way to solve this and make you attractive is to have a strapdicktome.

Dear Drago,

I am not pleased.

It seems some wannabe politician is using my picture on his campaign posters.

I worry this will tarnish my reputation.

What should I do?

Yours faithfully,
Benny H.

Dear Lenny,

You should be pleased that you add an air of credibility to politics. Indeed, I understand your theme tune is to replace Land of Hope and Glory at the Last Night of the Proms.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I know that you are wise beyond words and know so many things.
Can you advise me on a mechanical problem.
After the nurses managed to extract my todger from the lawn mower and I got home (I got strange looks, being naked and pushing a lawn mower) but anyway, I can't get the lawnmower to work. Seems that the old todge has jammed the mechanism. I took it to a specialist but when I explained the the problem he just burst out laughing.
Do you have any suggestions ?
On a possitive note the bruising on my todger has gone although it persists on swelling.
Yours in hope.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I know that you are wise beyond words and know so many things.
Can you advise me on a mechanical problem.
After the nurses managed to extract my todger from the lawn mower and I got home (I got strange looks, being naked and pushing a lawn mower) but anyway, I can't get the lawnmower to work. Seems that the old todge has jammed the mechanism. I took it to a specialist but when I explained the the problem he just burst out laughing.
Do you have any suggestions ?
On a possitive note the bruising on my todger has gone although it persists on swelling.
Yours in hope.

Dear Mavis,

I suspect you have a technical problem that afflicts lawnmowers belonging to filthy perverts, known as foreskinicus trappedin the bladeicus.

Alas, the mower is probably a gonner. Even Sir Keir Starmer, a big admirer of women with nadgers (but only on Mondays, Wednesdays and every second sunday) would pass the job by. Even Bozza "I'd do anything for a laugh" would take a step backwards at the thought of extricating your anteater from the blades. Hell, even Liz Truss, who is fond of a bit of sausage, would raise interest rates at the sight of that.

I fear the lawnmower is going to require replacement. On the plus side, you're now welcome down at the synagogue, and have a guaranteed career in the circus shoukrmyou desire.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I have taken your advice and bought a new lawn mower.
I have also stopped mowing the lawn naked.
However this has caused problems as the woman next door has complained about it and is suing me for stealing her only pleasure.
I don't want to go to court but am scared of naked lawnmowering.
What do you advise.
BTW I took your advice and went to the local synagogue. They demanded to see my todger and when I showed them they started to stone me.....very painful.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I have taken your advice and bought a new lawn mower.
I have also stopped mowing the lawn naked.
However this has caused problems as the woman next door has complained about it and is suing me for stealing her only pleasure.
I don't want to go to court but am scared of naked lawnmowering.
What do you advise.
BTW I took your advice and went to the local synagogue. They demanded to see my todger and when I showed them they started to stone me.....very painful.

I was just wondering if she would be happier if you hoovered her house naked instead - then you could do it indoors, which is warmer, and you avoid the whole whirring blades scenario.
and she still gets to indulge her pleasure
Of course, you would have to employ someone to mow your own lawn - but she could reimburse you for that - plus a small management fee for your trouble.

seems like that would work - but lets see what our guru reckons

edited to fix word salad at one point - I wish my fingers would type what my brain says and not random letters and semi colons!!!

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Great Uncle Buldrago

Now I am totally confused. Whilst utilising the public loos in the local park, I noticed Dave7's telephone number, that some kind soul had kindly written in thick black felt tip on the back of the door.

Now, I hadn't seen either Dave7 or Aubrey for a couple of days, and to be honest my grass is longer than ever, and my "special" oil is getting close to it's use by date.

So, I rang the number, and it was Dave7, I'd recognise those dulcet tones anywhere. However, would you Adam and Eve it, he no longer has a lawn mower, but has offered to hoover me carpets.

Do you think this is a euphemism like Benny, sorry, Aubrey, would so skilfully use, or has he really gone over to the Henry hoover brigade?

Still "THAT" lady up the road.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I have taken your advice and bought a new lawn mower.
I have also stopped mowing the lawn naked.
However this has caused problems as the woman next door has complained about it and is suing me for stealing her only pleasure.
I don't want to go to court but am scared of naked lawnmowering.
What do you advise.
BTW I took your advice and went to the local synagogue. They demanded to see my todger and when I showed them they started to stone me.....very painful.

Dear Mavis,

Paint your nadger green and stick a Qualcadt badge on the side then march up and down your garden making vroom vroom noises.

I was just wondering if she would be happier if you hoovered her house naked instead - then you could do it indoors, which is warmer, and you avoid the whole whirring blades scenario.
and she still gets to indulge her pleasure
Of course, you would have to employ someone to mow your own lawn - but she could reimburse you for that - plus a small management fee for your trouble.

seems like that would work - but lets see what our guru reckons

edited to fix word salad at one point - I wish my fingers would type what my brain says and not random letters and semi colons!!!

Dear Vblokewindows,

Please leave the advice to the experts. It takes a full weekend of training to become and agony Uncle (or Aunt in Scotland, where it is customary for women to have a schlong) and not something to be taken lightly by inexperienced amateurs.

Dear Great Uncle Buldrago

Now I am totally confused. Whilst utilising the public loos in the local park, I noticed Dave7's telephone number, that some kind soul had kindly written in thick black felt tip on the back of the door.

Now, I hadn't seen either Dave7 or Aubrey for a couple of days, and to be honest my grass is longer than ever, and my "special" oil is getting close to it's use by date.

So, I rang the number, and it was Dave7, I'd recognise those dulcet tones anywhere. However, would you Adam and Eve it, he no longer has a lawn mower, but has offered to hoover me carpets.

Do you think this is a euphemism like Benny, sorry, Aubrey, would so skilfully use, or has he really gone over to the Henry hoover brigade?

Still "THAT" lady up the road.

Dear Tottyboy,

I have been told (cocugh) that when calling Mavis's special number one must immediately ask for the service one requires.

If you cannot decide then she will offer to "hoover your carpet". This is a euphemism for a sexual activity where "hoover" means a domestic vacuum cleaner, and "lawn" means stick the attachment up your behind and switch the hoover on to max reverse thrust.

Just think yourself lucky it's not a Henry hoover, as Henry is Mavis's butler and his attachment is shaped like a corkscrew.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

The opposition party has used a spoof video of being chased around the park by semi-naked ladies to the Benny Hill theme tune and have it on TV. I don't think it is doing my election chances much good. It is not the sort of mature image I wish to present to the electorate.

Also, schoolboys are laughing at my pink Daewoo Lanos courtesy car, although, on the plus side, it has made me a pin-up with certain sections of the electorate.

I've been invited to give a radio interview tomorrow night. Do you have any advice for me to help me come across well on the airwaves and help me appeal to a wider section of the community?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

The opposition party has used a spoof video of being chased around the park by semi-naked ladies to the Benny Hill theme tune and have it on TV. I don't think it is doing my election chances much good. It is not the sort of mature image I wish to present to the electorate.

Also, schoolboys are laughing at my pink Daewoo Lanos courtesy car, although, on the plus side, it has made me a pin-up with certain sections of the electorate.

I've been invited to give a radio interview tomorrow night. Do you have any advice for me to help me come across well on the airwaves and help me appeal to a wider section of the community?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Tuna,

This is so sad to read. Gone are the days when politicians pecadilloes were fondly looked upon.

I would do the interview, but heed the following advice...

Mayor Khan was not in the second Star Trek movie.

Only men have love lollies.

Rishi Sunak was not in Womack and Womack, and is not a leprechaun.

Those messages you sent to Huw Edwards were not sexy ones at all, have been grossly misinterpreted, and there is an innocent explanation for asking him to send you a sign photograph of his Y fronts.

But most importantly you don't like cricket - you love it.

 

[classic33]

Dear Tuna,

This is so sad to read. Gone are the days when politicians pecadilloes were fondly looked upon.

I would do the interview, but heed the following advice...

Mayor Khan was not in the second Star Trek movie.

Only men have love lollies.

Rishi Sunak was not in Womack and Womack, and is not a leprechaun.

Those messages you sent to Huw Edwards were not sexy ones at all, have been grossly misinterpreted, and there is an innocent explanation for asking him to send you a sign photograph of his Y fronts.

But most importantly you don't like cricket - you love it.

It's just not cricket is it.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Again I took your advice but again I seem to have done something wrong.
You wisely suggested sticking a Qualcast badge on my todger.
So far so good BUT I had no blue tack and no tape SO........ I decided to use a staple gun.
So here I am, back in A&E with the nurses sniggering while queueing up to take turns to check out my poorly todge which is once again greatly swollen. For some reason all the nurses want to measure it.......is that standard medical procedure ??
Yours
Poorly todge.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Again I took your advice but again I seem to have done something wrong.
You wisely suggested sticking a Qualcast badge on my todger.
So far so good BUT I had no blue tack and no tape SO........ I decided to use a staple gun.
So here I am, back in A&E with the nurses sniggering while queueing up to take turns to check out my poorly todge which is once again greatly swollen. For some reason all the nurses want to measure it.......is that standard medical procedure ??
Yours
Poorly todge.

Is the staple gun OK?

 

[Dave7]

Is the staple gun OK?

Not checked tbh......I was otherwise occupied after firing the staple.

 

[Drago]

If the medics are able to remove the staples undamaged you can reuse them.

You can also reuse the holes and save money on a piercing by using them for a Prince Albert.

Another handy money saving tip from Auntie Drago.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Auntie Draggy

I've been waiting all day for that lovely Aubrey to be interviewed on the wireless this evening.

Just as the interview started, Dave7, or Prince Albert as he now insists on being called, barged in, starkers as per usual, insisting on a full oil service, whinging on about some problem with a his Staple gun (is that what he's calling it now?).

Concentrating on application of said oil, whilst listening to Prince Albert's recollection of his latest A&E visit, I completely missed the lovely Aubrey's interview!

What with your close relationship with Liz Truss, would you be able to organise a tape of the interview, I know Aubrey always refers to his very close relationship with the lettuce lady.

That Woman up the road (again).