Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I had a bit of an accident recently and I am wondering if I should look for some compensation.

You see, I sat on a wall, and I had great fall and broke a few things. There was no warning signs telling me it was dangerous to sit on the wall. Surely, that is a bit negligent?

Furthermore, when I went to get medical treatment for my injuries, I found myself being treated by all the King's horses and all the King's men and they couldn't put me together again.

Surely that is medical incompetence and why are there no doctors and nurses in the hospital? Why am I being treated by horses in the first place? Surely I have a case against the hospital for such negligence as employing horses rather than trained medical staff. Although, I must admit the horses seem more intelligent than the King's men, but their bedside manner is a little unpredictable.

Do you think I would have a good case? Can you recommend a suitable solicitor?

Yours faithfully,
Mr. H. Dumpty

Dear Humpy,

Your brains have been well and truly scrambled it you think you have a case. A hard boiled solicitor will eat you alive in court, and that's no yolk. You'd do better to shell out yourself and remain whiter than white.

Dear Uncle Dragmaga

In my undiluted wish to look like my hero, the great Donny Boy Trump(er), I may have overdone the tanning machine.

I now look like I've been permanently tangoed.

Can you help.

Tosh Trumper

Dear Exalted lookalike,

Just roll with it. Next thing you know you'll be marrying a supermodel and porking a porn star.

Could be worse. You could be Democrat where the only chick's that show an interest will be the chubby interns.

Dear Uncle Drago,
I think there comes a point when you have to accept that your hopes and dreams are unrealistic, and that if one is not to waste one's youth, it is better to redirect one's energies on more achievable targets. This is particularly true when your ambitions are reliant on the actions of others, over whom you have no control. Therefore I decided, reluctantly, to give up my dreams of me and Lily James. I thought I had a chance when she broke up with Matt Smith of the new Doctor Who fame. Not my favourite Doctor Who, who was Jon Pertwee, but still one of the better Whos from the new series. I have heard since that she broke up with the bass player of a music band called Queens of the Stone Age, which do not sound like my sort of thing. Nevertheless I have decided to let her go, after trying one last thing. It occurred to me that her last two steady boyfriends were in show business, and that if I could somehow get my foot in the door in the showbiz world I would stand a better chance. With that in mind I have joined an amateur dramatics group. We are staging a production of 'Run for your Wife' in Esher, Surrey, where I hope her mother still lives. I am playing Detective Sergeant Troughton. BTW, Patrick Troughton was another favourite Doctor Who. Lily James strikes me as a dutiful daughter who would visit her old mother. I have fly-posted advertisements for the show all over town. It would be strange, with her family's interest in show business, if neither of them suggested coming to see us. I hope I do not freeze if she decides to meet us backstage. I have yet to work out what to say to her.

Dear hopeless loser,

You're correct, this Lily James does like a showbiz type. If you can get even a bit part in the upcoming Aylesbury AmDram Society's forthcoming stage show based upon Dixon of Dock Green then she'll be all over you like a Labour MP all over an expenses docket or a Tory MP over a directorship.

A word of advice though. Probably best to get in there prior to her forthcoming fight with Mike Tyson. You may not find her so alluring the following day.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

My election campaign is gathering pace but I've run into few more problems.

My new election posters were supposed to say "Vote for no corruption" but an error at the printing works mean they say "Vote for pro corruption." There's also the small point that they mixed up photographs and have used a picture of Benny Hill by mistake.

I also attended a fancy dinner but my Granada Ghia was overheating and I arrived in a cloud of steam and ended up with the mayor pushing me of the premises and I got oil on my white dinner jacket when I was working under the bonnet. The photos are all over the local paper. I also think having fourteen double rums and blackcurrants and trying it on with the mayoress and punching one of the other candidates was a mistake. How can I keep this out of the press?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Andy,

Well, if you're pro corruption you will appeal to voters on both sides of the polical divide, it is perhaps a happy accident.

The Benny Hill image may also be useful. When you get caught fiddling expense (if you join Labour) or double dealing with the oil companies (if you become a tory) or selling dresses on the market for ladies with schlongs (if you become a Lib Dem) then the wanted posters will not be showing your true likeness.

There is little chance of keeping this malarkey out of the media. The best thi g you can do is send some saucy messages to a teenage girl then take 8 months off on full pay before resiging on "health" grounds. You could then go and work as a plumber for Keith Vaz.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
As much as I sympathise with others eg Mr Tyred with his campaign problems i feel they somewhat trivial compared to my issues.
As you will recall, my todger gets me into some serious problems.
well, today I was mowing the grass and as usual I liked to do this while naked. My mower has a roller at the back and somehow my todger got trapped in the mechanism.
i managed to reach my phone and call an ambulance. They were unable to free things.
so I am now sat in A&E with a lawnmower attached to my bits. It seems to be a source of humour for everyone but me.
Any suggestions as to explain things would be welcome.
BTW they tell me there is a 6 hour wait and I am bursting for a pee
Regards
Mr Todge

 

[Drago]

Dear Fudge,

This reminds me of the time you were vacuuming the carpet naked when you fell down the stairs and landed on an anal dildo that you'd taken from the postie on behalf of a neighbour, and which had then fallen from its packaging and landed upright on your hallway floor. It then promptly disappeared up your nethers.

Instead of taking my advice and going to hospital I recall you asked Arthur Scarghill to send some miners up there (Phil Schofield sends minors up his) to retrieve it. They succeeded, but now your farts are silent and you're banned from travelling in any elevator.

Please take my advice. Move back to Englandland where people with nadgers are called " men". You can then start to wear trousers and a cardigan again and your old chap will cease to get you in trouble.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Just an update on the status of my todger.
They managed to free it and the relief was wonderful. I immediately had the pee I was desperate for. The nurse who was standing in front of me was not too happy but hey ho isn't that part of her job description?
So, there I was with no money, naked and having to walk back home.
Anyway back home. I showed it to THAT woman up the road. She must have felt sympathy as, while I type she is rubbing some sort of soothing oil in.
It doesn't seem to be helping with the swelling though.
Thank you for your kind thoughts (at least I thought they were kind ?)

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Dragoon

I am very confused.

I've just seen one of our local candidates, that Aubrey Tyred fella, in our local A&E just now (I had suffered another whiplash injury from Mrs Whiplash trimming my in-growing toenail, and boy do her restraints smart).

Anyway, Ol' Aubrey had his nether regions, somehow caught in one of those old fashioned lawn mowers!

He was stark naked, and I couldn't help noticing that when he spoke to the nurse, he said his name was Dave7? It was definitely ol' Aubrey, I'd recognise that todger from his campaign posters he briefly plastered all around town.

Do you think I should write a letter to Conservative Central Office to double check exactly who Ol' Aubrey is, as, to be fair, I was going to vote for him?

Confused Voter of Lower Upham.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Just an update on the status of my todger.
They managed to free it and the relief was wonderful. I immediately had the pee I was desperate for. The nurse who was standing in front of me was not too happy but hey ho isn't that part of her job description?
So, there I was with no money, naked and having to walk back home.
Anyway back home. I showed it to THAT woman up the road. She must have felt sympathy as, while I type she is rubbing some sort of soothing oil in.
It doesn't seem to be helping with the swelling though.
Thank you for your kind thoughts (at least I thought they were kind ?)

Dear Pervert,

If you want the swelling to go down you could always try looking at so e nudie pictures of Liz Truss. Hell, it'll probably turn inside out.

Dear Uncle Dragoon

I am very confused.

I've just seen one of our local candidates, that Aubrey Tyred fella, in our local A&E just now (I had suffered another whiplash injury from Mrs Whiplash trimming my in-growing toenail, and boy do her restraints smart).

Anyway, Ol' Aubrey had his nether regions, somehow caught in one of those old fashioned lawn mowers!

He was stark naked, and I couldn't help noticing that when he spoke to the nurse, he said his name was Dave7? It was definitely ol' Aubrey, I'd recognise that todger from his campaign posters he briefly plastered all around town.

Do you think I should write a letter to Conservative Central Office to double check exactly who Ol' Aubrey is, as, to be fair, I was going to vote for him?

Confused Voter of Lower Upham.

Dear Scroter,

Are you sure you recognised his nadger from the campaign posters, seeing as the image of the late great woke comedian Benny Hill was used?

My sources indicate that you actually recognised him from the Scottish women and campervan section of Grindr.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Pervert,

If you want the swelling to go down you could always try looking at so e nudie pictures of Liz Truss. Hell, it'll probably turn inside out.



Dear Scroter,

Are you sure you recognised his nadger from the campaign posters, seeing as the image of the late great woke comedian Benny Hill was used?

My sources indicate that you actually recognised him from the Scottish women and campervan section of Grindr.

As much as I would like to be as good looking as Benny Hill I fear I am far away from that target.
I may just have to settle for that woman up the road.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago

That strange chap from down the road, keeps walking up the road, naked (despite the various Police warnings) and asking me to rub some oil on his nether regions.

To be fair, I felt sorry for him the first time, so I obliged, to be fair, it didn't take long, if you catch my drift

However, I prefer that Aubrey fella (although I've only seen his posters). Any guy who reminds me of that hunk Benny Hill gets my vote!

What do you think I should do?

"THAT" Woman up the road

 

[Drago]

I may just have to settle for that woman up the road.

Nicola Sturgeon? Fair enough, she's likely to be single soon.

Dear Uncle Drago

That strange chap from down the road, keeps walking up the road, naked (despite the various Police warnings) and asking me to rub some oil on his nether regions.

To be fair, I felt sorry for him the first time, so I obliged, to be fair, it didn't take long, if you catch my drift

However, I prefer that Aubrey fella (although I've only seen his posters). Any guy who reminds me of that hunk Benny Hill gets my vote!

What do you think I should do?

"THAT" Woman up the road

Dear Nicola,

The oilmyou rubbed on his pink torpedo...substitute it with tobasco sauce. Next times he comes round rub a few gallons of that onto his dude piston and he'll not return for another session.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I almost choked on my Cocoa Pops this morning when I seen the front page of the Daily Mail.

They are running a story claiming that I was spotted in casualty with my private parts stuck in a rusty old Suffolk Punch motor mower. This is a complete fabrication that could do my election campaign a lot of harm. It couldn't have been me as I have an alibi. I was having a working lunch with the owner of the local casino, a reputable business man.

Should I take a libel case against the Daily Mail to restore my reputation?

On another matter, I left my Granada Ghia in to have the head gasket replaced and the garage gave me a bright pink Daewoo Lanos with those eyelash things over the headlamps, pink seat belt pads, pink fluffy steering wheel cover and Barbie seat covers. I feel a bit embarrassed when I'm driving it and I don't think it's the sort of car I should be driving during an election campaign. I fear it gives me the wrong image. What do you think? What can I do to make it fit my image better?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I almost choked on my Cocoa Pops this morning when I seen the front page of the Daily Mail.

They are running a story claiming that I was spotted in casualty with my private parts stuck in a rusty old Suffolk Punch motor mower. This is a complete fabrication that could do my election campaign a lot of harm. It couldn't have been me as I have an alibi. I was having a working lunch with the owner of the local casino, a reputable business man.

Should I take a libel case against the Daily Mail to restore my reputation?

On another matter, I left my Granada Ghia in to have the head gasket replaced and the garage gave me a bright pink Daewoo Lanos with those eyelash things over the headlamps, pink seat belt pads, pink fluffy steering wheel cover and Barbie seat covers. I feel a bit embarrassed when I'm driving it and I don't think it's the sort of car I should be driving during an election campaign. I fear it gives me the wrong image. What do you think? What can I do to make it fit my image better?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Dear Aunty,

I can't believe the Mail would publish such nonsense.

It was a Suffolk Super Colt lawn mower into which you lap rocket had become stuck, not a Punch.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Aunty Draggy

I am positively bereft! I have just, finally, seen my heart throb, Aubrey Tyred, in the flesh, driving down the road.

However, as he swerved to miss naked Dave7, who was cycling up the road after another oil session, I noticed that Aubrey was in a fluffy pink car with bloomin' eyelashes longer than mine!

I've got to be honest, my lustful thoughts disappated quicker than the oil on Dave7's todger.

What am I to do, a woman has needs!

Should I keep servicing naked Dave7, or see if I can turn ol' Aubrey back into my lustful dream of a 2nd coming of hunky Benny Hill?

Still "THAT" Woman up the road.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I am not pleased.

It seems some wannabe politician is using my picture on his campaign posters.

I worry this will tarnish my reputation.

What should I do?

Yours faithfully,
Benny H.