Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I had a bit of an accident recently and I am wondering if I should look for some compensation.

You see, I sat on a wall, and I had great fall and broke a few things. There was no warning signs telling me it was dangerous to sit on the wall. Surely, that is a bit negligent?

Furthermore, when I went to get medical treatment for my injuries, I found myself being treated by all the King's horses and all the King's men and they couldn't put me together again.

Surely that is medical incompetence and why are there no doctors and nurses in the hospital? Why am I being treated by horses in the first place? Surely I have a case against the hospital for such negligence as employing horses rather than trained medical staff. Although, I must admit the horses seem more intelligent than the King's men, but their bedside manner is a little unpredictable.

Do you think I would have a good case? Can you recommend a suitable solicitor?

Yours faithfully,
Mr. H. Dumpty

Dear Omelette,

You do have a problem, eh? Still, nothing that a few minutes being scrambled in the frying pan with a pinch of salt and pepper should see me right.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I would like your honest opinion on a love poem I have penned, which I have entitled 'Lily'

Oh dearest Lily
You make me feel silly
I thought you were fabby
In Downton Abbey
Be a good chooser
And dump all those losers
Because you would look mint
Sat in my Dolomite Sprint

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I would like your honest opinion on a love poem I have penned, which I have entitled 'Lily'

Oh dearest Lily
You make me feel silly
I thought you were fabby
In Downton Abbey
Be a good chooser
And dump all those lovers
Because you would look mint
Sat in my Dolomite Sprint

Dear angst ridden teenager,

What you need is a healthy dose of Clearspasil. Perhaps a litre.

Whatever you do, be sure to drink it and put us out of your misery.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

My election campaign is going very well but I have run into another issue. I was told by my PR manager that it would be me look intelligent to sit in a café reading so I gave it a go but it hasn't really worked.

Having my picture all over the media of me sitting in the café reading The Beano has made me a laughing stock. I couldn't help it as I couldn't wait to see the latest adventure of Dennis the Menace.

When I realised what had happened, I took out my Sun and started reading it when they took my photo checking out the page three girl. This hasn't gone down well either.

I also think the Mickey Mouse tie may have been a mistake.

What do you think would be suitable reading material to tell the electorate I'm the person they need to vote for?


Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Binface,

The Beano is a bit of a lefty rag. You'll note how all the heroes, such as Keir the Minx, Keir Whizz, and the Bash Street Starmers always defeat Boris the swot and Nigel the shouty kid.

But not to worry. Prop up a copy of The Professionals annual 1979 edition and you will be marked out as a man of action, a man to be reckoned with. Except in Scotland, where you would be considered a woman,

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Dragnet

I am in a quandary as to who to vote for at the forthcoming election (whenever Rishi boy gets round to calling one).

You see, local velo celebrity, Aubrey Tyred, has been very "out there", strutting his stuff and getting to "know his people".

Thing is, I saw him in our local drug dealers, sorry, cafe, the other day, and he was reading a copy of The Sun newspaper. Now, as far as I'm aware, he's a Reform Candidate, and I was surprised to see him reading such a lefty woke rag. Anyway, imagine my further surprise, when I saw that it was a copy from 2014, with the "certain" page still on show.

Now, when I questioned him on this, he seemed somewhat flustered, and said he was trying to look up an old article on tractors?

Should I report him to the local Community Warden? ... and to think I was going to vote for him!

Right Wing Maggie from Middle Wallop.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Dragnet

I am in a quandary as to who to vote for at the forthcoming election (whenever Rishi boy gets round to calling one).

You see, local velo celebrity, Aubrey Tyred, has been very "out there", strutting his stuff and getting to "know his people".

Thing is, I saw him in our local drug dealers, sorry, cafe, the other day, and he was reading a copy of The Sun newspaper. Now, as far as I'm aware, he's a Reform Candidate, and I was surprised to see him reading such a lefty woke rag. Anyway, imagine my further surprise, when I saw that it was a copy from 2014, with the "certain" page still on show.

Now, when I questioned him on this, he seemed somewhat flustered, and said he was trying to look up an old article on tractors?

Should I report him to the local Community Warden? ... and to think I was going to vote for him!

Right Wing Maggie from Middle Wallop.

Dear Magnus,

I am surprised you even need ask. If you want prosperity for all the it has to be a Conservative government. That nice Keir Starmer chap seems to be am old school Tory so a vote for him is my recommendation.

As for your Reform Party friend, there's nothing wrong with looking at the famous nude "One For the Ladies" centrefold of Boris "Bozza" Johnson. The staples neatly cover the rude bits, so your Reform friend is unlikely to have had anything more than a semi on the go. Had it been the edition with Jacob Rees Mogg he'd likely have required hospital treatment for rhe sudden, er, swelling.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

My mate Trigger is a bit thick, bless him.

For some unknown reason, he keeps calling me Dave, even though my name is Rodney.

How can I get him to call me by proper name?

Yours faithfully,
Rodney T
Peckham

 

[Drago]

Dear Rodney,

Probably easier to roll with it and change your name to Dave.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Dragdealer

I have a mate, called Dave, that always looks totally p**sed off everytime I greet him.

What do you think I should do?

Trigger Broom

 

[Drago]

Dear Tiger,

Dave is a gormless sort but that daft brother would be enough to leave anyone looking pithed off.

Might I suggest cancelling the series, thus cheering him up and giving screen time for a repeat of Dad's Army?

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I think I am getting in too deep. Old Pointy Ears is giving away all our discoveries from our five year mission to seek out new life and new civilization to the Romulans. Turns out he is one. That cover story about his mother being human was hokum. She was an out-of-work actress working as a cleaning lady for 'Ambassador Spock'. So what do I do? Should I betray my crewmates, Earth, the Federation, the precepts of liberal democracy, or should I come clean and shop Pointy Ears to the Captain? Or should I ask Pointy Ears to up my split to 15 percent? I mean we spy on them; they spy on us; we both spy on the Klingons and everyone spies on the Andorans. It all comes out in the wash. I mean coming clean did not work out that well for Corporal Hannigan of blessed memory after he failed to transport up the Captain's legs because he entered the captain's mass in pounds instead of kilograms. Flangian mega-wasp larvae are still feeding on his paralyzed flesh.

 

[Drago]

Dear Moanache,

I find a modulated beam of tachyon particles solves the most intractable Star Trek situation.

Failing that get a few pints of Romulan ale down him and shove his drunken corpse into the warp core.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Dragmaga

In my undiluted wish to look like my hero, the great Donny Boy Trump(er), I may have overdone the tanning machine.

I now look like I've been permanently tangoed.

Can you help.

Tosh Trumper

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I think there comes a point when you have to accept that your hopes and dreams are unrealistic, and that if one is not to waste one's youth, it is better to redirect one's energies on more achievable targets. This is particularly true when your ambitions are reliant on the actions of others, over whom you have no control. Therefore I decided, reluctantly, to give up my dreams of me and Lily James. I thought I had a chance when she broke up with Matt Smith of the new Doctor Who fame. Not my favourite Doctor Who, who was Jon Pertwee, but still one of the better Whos from the new series. I have heard since that she broke up with the bass player of a music band called Queens of the Stone Age, which do not sound like my sort of thing. Nevertheless I have decided to let her go, after trying one last thing. It occurred to me that her last two steady boyfriends were in show business, and that if I could somehow get my foot in the door in the showbiz world I would stand a better chance. With that in mind I have joined an amateur dramatics group. We are staging a production of 'Run for your Wife' in Esher, Surrey, where I hope her mother still lives. I am playing Detective Sergeant Troughton. BTW, Patrick Troughton was another favourite Doctor Who. Lily James strikes me as a dutiful daughter who would visit her old mother. I have fly-posted advertisements for the show all over town. It would be strange, with her family's interest in show business, if neither of them suggested coming to see us. I hope I do not freeze if she decides to meet us backstage. I have yet to work out what to say to her.