Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Latest problem involves a failure in communication.

Wife and I have booked a foreign trip for next year, taking in a half marathon that is a one off (well it did take place once before prior to the route being opened to traffic 24 years ago and the one next year is to celebrate the 25th anniversary, so it’s unlikely to happen again in my running lifetime).

Son has, today, announced he’s getting married the day before! My wife, not his mother, isn’t best pleased that her once in a lifetime half marathon is in jeopardy.

Dear Regulator Cyborg,

Another ticklish one. That wedding needs cancelling to permit you to enjoy your holiday.

I would suggest sleeping with the bride to be, then telling everyone. The wedding will be duly cancelled, then your wife will be thrilled to bits that her dream holiday is back on.

No need to thank me,

Dear  Deirde Drago.

 

[Paulus]

Paulus, when did cold stone certain and correct facts have any sort of place on this thread...... 😀

Ok, you've got me there.😉

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I want to win the affections of Sue at number 22 but I fear I have a rival.

I am a baker and I thought I had impressed her with the size of my meat pie and I let her nibble my macaroon.

But I am starting to worry I am losing the battle for her affections to Ernie, the milkman. He gets his cocoa there three times a week and I heard a rumour he fills her bath with milk up to her chest.

I drove past her house earlier at lunch time and Ernie's cart was outside. I now see it's still there at half past four.

I was frustrated so I kicked his horse and the damned thing bit me.

How can I get Ernie out of the way so I can have Sue all to myself? Should I challenge him to a game of cards?

I hear a rumour he carries strawberry yoghurts in his pocket and is willing to use it in self defence.

Yours sincerely,
Two Ton Ted,
Teddington.

 

[Drago]

Dear Fred,

Ernie is a sour one alright. I would suggest you change all the best by dates on his products. Failing that just kick his teeth in and enjoy his curdled scream.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Sir Drag of Northants

My tongue is somewhat tied and my brain frazzled. You see I've met a girl and
she sells seashells by the seashore,
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
So if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.

Now, my question for you is, how the hell does she make a living doing this?

Tied Tongue Tosh

 

[Dec66]

Dear Agadoo

Ages ago, I arranged a poker and curry night with some mates, which is due to take place a week on Saturday.

Mrs. 66 has just announced she has tickets for us for a West End musical the same night.

Which one do I go for - bhuna, jalfrezi, rogan josh or balti?

 

[Drago]

Dear Sir Drag of Northants

My tongue is somewhat tied and my brain frazzled. You see I've met a girl and
she sells seashells by the seashore,
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
So if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.

Now, my question for you is, how the hell does she make a living doing this?

Tied Tongue Tosh

Deat Tricia,

I thought you were still dating that pheasant plucker?

Dear Agadoo

Ages ago, I arranged a poker and curry night with some mates, which is due to take place a week on Saturday.

Mrs. 66 has just announced she has tickets for us for a West End musical the same night.

Which one do I go for - bhuna, jalfrezi, rogan josh or balti?

Dear April,

Depends. Is it the post 9pm showing of the new stage show of Debbie Does Dallas? The one famous for the audience participation?

 

[tyred]

Dear Captain Drago,

I had a wee bit of an unfortunate and embarrassing mishap this morning.

I was getting out of the shower and stepped on the bar of soap and slid across the tiles and straight through the upstairs bathroom window.

I landed on the roof of a Morris Minor convertible that was waiting at the traffic lights. The hood material ripped open and went straight through it. I fell on top of the gearstick which pushed into an embarrassing place on my rear end.

The car was being driven by a Nun who screamed when she saw me and started battering me with her umbrella before calling for help.

Because I was unable to extract myself from the gear lever, the fire brigade cut it off with a hacksaw.

I am now sitting in Casualty, still naked, covered in cuts from the glass and bruises from umbrella blows and still with a Morris Minor gear lever up my bum.

I have no idea how I'm going to explain this to the doctor.

Sister Bernadette has also reported me to the Bishop, who threatens me with excommunication and eternal Damnation if I don't pay for the damage to Sister Bernadette's car. Apparently, she also feels she needs counselling.

What can I do to sort this embarrassing situation?

Yours Faithfully,
Francis

 

[Drago]

Dear Fanny,

I've spoken to the doctors. You failed to mention the car was an automatic T shaped shift lever,and it was the third time this month you've been in with it stuck in your bottom.

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago

Further results from a DNA test show that I have distant links(6th - 8th cousin) with a Scottish family going by the name of Farquhar.
Both from the Highlands and Lowlands of Scotland.

How would you suggest "first contact" be made?

Yours
Testing Times

 

[Drago]

Dear Sunday Times,

Being a Farquhar myself, I'd suggest first contact be made by sending Rosamund Pike round to my house, smeared in Marmite and pushing a wheelbarrow full of cash.

 

[classic33]

Dear Sunday Times,

Being a Farquhar myself, I'd suggest first contact be made by sending Rosamund Pike round to my house, smeared in Marmite and pushing a wheelbarrow full of cash.

Dear Uncle Drago

Should the wheelbarrow also have a pint of Guinness?

Yours
Testing Times

 

[Drago]

Dear Testicular Tunes,

I'm afraid a keg of 7up zero due to health issues.

 

[Kajjal]

Dear Sir Drago,

I have just been appointed Batman, are you interested in being Robin ?

 

[Drago]

Dear Bateman,

I'm quite interested in being in catwoman.

Kind regards,

Albert Drago.