Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Weedy Man,

I couldn't agree more. In fact, let's start a campaign. Send your donations to...

The Pwoclaimers for an Independent Scotland
Apartment 69
Expat Towers,
Barcelona
Spain
SO 1 69.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

Times are hard and I was trying to get the last tiny drop of goodness from my beer when I got my tongue stuck in the tin.

Now my tongue has swollen up and I feel a complete twat sitting here in Casualty with a Tennent's Lager tin stuck to my tongue.

Everyone else is looking at me.

How do I explain this embarrassing situation to the doctor when I get to see him/her?

Yours faithfully,
Marmaduke

 

[Drago]

Dear Marmite,

A ticklish one. Perhaps it's best to make yourself look tough by telling the doc your were pleasuring a young lady when she sneezed and the contraction trapped your tongue. No need to thank me.

 

[Dec66]

Drear Dago,

I was practicing some freestyle dancing while naked in my kitchen, when I unfortunately slipped on a small puddle of my own sweat, and landed on a upturned wine bottle which just happened to be situated in the middle of the kitchen floor. By a million to one chance, my sphincter landed plum on the top of the bottle, and it inserted itself so deep into my fundament that I was unable to retrieve it, despite my best efforts.

I sense that the paramedics who brought me to A&E, and the doctors and nurses here at the hospital, are sceptical as to how the accident happened, despite my protestations, as they keep giggling whenever I recount the tale.

How do I convince them that I'm telling the truth?

Yours in surgery, Corky.

 

[Drago]

Dear Colin,

A ticklish one.

I woukd suggest you sneak home and have Mrs Nov go at your ring with a sink plunger.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Colin,

A ticklish one.

I woukd suggest you sneak home and have Mrs Nov go at your ring with a sink plunger.

I suspect that Dec66 is a southern softy. Any real northerner would shift that with a good fart.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Unckie Draggy

I've just been listening to that thar Spotify, and up came Frankie Valli and the Four Seaons with, December 1963 (Oh, what a night!).

Now, as I was born in August '64, do you think Frankie could be me Dad?

.....pregnant pause..... Your unbridled knowledge required once more oh wise one.

Love Child Frances

 

[Drago]

Dear Fanny,

I would be highly surprised if Frankie Howerd was your papa.

 

[stephec]

Dear Fanny,

I would be highly surprised if Frankie Howerd was your papa.

Nay nay, and thrice nay!

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Fanny,

I would be highly surprised if Frankie Howerd was your papa.

Nooo, infamy, infamy, they've all got it infamy!

 

[Dave7]

Uncle Drago.
Once again I find myself in need of your sage wisdom.
I am being sued by several women.
I enjoy the freedom of walking around in the nude.......and as my front garden is my property I feel I am entitled to enjoy the freedom there.
The woman oposite, for some reason, objects and has taken photographs to show to the police. Her standard 35mm camera was unable to get ALL my dangly bits in the frame so she had to buy a wide angle lens. She is suing me for the cost of that lens.
The other woman claims that, after seeing me, her daughter went into shock. She is suing for the cost of specialist therapy.
How should I best defend against these shocking and hurtful claims ?

 

[Drago]

Dear Philip,

I'm not surprised you're in a spot of bother. What might be acceptable behaviour in the ITV This Morning Studio is not acceptable behavior in leafy Surbiton.

 

[Paulus]

Nooo, infamy, infamy, they've all got it infamy!

That was Kenneth Williams.

 

[Regular.Cyclist]

Latest problem involves a failure in communication.

Wife and I have booked a foreign trip for next year, taking in a half marathon that is a one off (well it did take place once before prior to the route being opened to traffic 24 years ago and the one next year is to celebrate the 25th anniversary, so it’s unlikely to happen again in my running lifetime).

Son has, today, announced he’s getting married the day before! My wife, not his mother, isn’t best pleased that her once in a lifetime half marathon is in jeopardy.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

That was Kenneth Williams.

Paulus, when did cold stone certain and correct facts have any sort of place on this thread...... 😀