Uncle Drago's agony column

[classic33]

Dear Sir Drago,

I have just been appointed Batman, are you interested in being Robin ?

He may not be Reliant!

 

[Drago]

But I am Regal.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I want to do something for charity so I tried to donate a few hundred of my old suits to a charity shop and they refused. They said they didn't think anyone would buy them. I even offered to throw in a few wigs, platform shoes and spare glasses.

I felt embarrassed. My clothes are top quality and in excellent taste

What can I do with my excess clobber so it would be of benefit to society.

Yours sincerely,
Elton John

 

[fossyant]

Dear Drago,

I want to do something for charity so I tried to donate a few hundred of my old suits to a charity shop and they refused. They said they didn't think anyone would buy them. I even offered to throw in a few wigs, platform shoes and spare glasses.

I felt embarrassed. My clothes are top quality and in excellent taste

What can I do with my excess clobber so it would be of benefit to society.

Yours sincerely,
Elton John

Dear Elton, I'm sure Accy would love some of your suits.

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I want to do something for charity so I tried to donate a few hundred of my old suits to a charity shop and they refused. They said they didn't think anyone would buy them. I even offered to throw in a few wigs, platform shoes and spare glasses.

I felt embarrassed. My clothes are top quality and in excellent taste

What can I do with my excess clobber so it would be of benefit to society.

Yours sincerely,
Elton John

Dear Elvis,

I spoke to you on the phone and you told me even the local scarecrows have turned them down.

I would advise using some of the clothing to go into business as a clown. The more outrageous items would likely be of interest to one Mr Gonville "Accy" Accrington of this parish.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
As I have previously stated I have the right to be naked in my own house.
Yesterday I spent the day in my conservatory and the bloke who lives next door was continually glaring at me, muttering and giving me daggers.
I spoke to his wife about it as she was with me in the conservatory, also naked. She was at a loss as to why he should be angry.
Do you think I am in any way unreasonable.
Yours
Baron Hardon.

 

[tyred]

My dearest Mr. Drago,

I opened my wallet the other day in the pub to buy a round and it was full of dust and moths where I expected my money to be

Why would this have happened?

Yours faithfully,
Ebenezer

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have a friend call Jim. Jim goes to a club called the Horny Toad, and he met a young lady called Trixi who works there. Jim realises he is a bit old for Trixi, but he loves her. He has suggested they meet away from the Purple Toad, but Trixi says that the management would not allow it and that she would lose her job. Jim knows this is not true. Jim has tried everything he can to persuade her that he is the man for her, but she just tells him not to be silly. Do you have any advice I could pass on to my friend, Jim? I know you have a lot of experience in these sorts of situations.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Unkie Draggy

Whilst I'm very happy today, as it's Friday, I'm in Love, I need your esteemed assistance in finding a cure for the other days of the week.

I mean, Monday, you can fall apart, Tuesday and Wednesday break my heart, Oh and don't even start about Thursdays....and as for Saturday, wait, and Sunday always comes too late!

....I've tried bright uplifting Goth music, but it simply isn't helping.

Bobby Smith

 

[Sterlo]

Dear Uncle Draggs,
Following you as my mentor, I've now been wearing the same pair of Y fronts for the last 6 months (I did turn them inside out a couple of weeks ago just for a change). Now Greenpeace are threatening me with court action for environmental breaches. Any advice from an expert?

Thanks
Cruddy Buddy

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
As I have previously stated I have the right to be naked in my own house.
Yesterday I spent the day in my conservatory and the bloke who lives next door was continually glaring at me, muttering and giving me daggers.
I spoke to his wife about it as she was with me in the conservatory, also naked. She was at a loss as to why he should be angry.
Do you think I am in any way unreasonable.
Yours
Baron Hardon.

Dear Baron Harkonen,

I have spoken to the chap next door. He tells me he was not angry. Just the opposite. He was concerned bedwuse his naked wife appeared to be sat in your face and he was trying to warn her that you might suffocate.

My dearest Mr. Drago,

I opened my wallet the other day in the pub to buy a round and it was full of dust and moths where I expected my money to be

Why would this have happened?

Yours faithfully,
Ebenezer

Dear E's are good,

You opened your wallet? I don't believe that for a moment!

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have a friend call Jim. Jim goes to a club called the Horny Toad, and he met a young lady called Trixi who works there. Jim realises he is a bit old for Trixi, but he loves her. He has suggested they meet away from the Purple Toad, but Trixi says that the management would not allow it and that she would lose her job. Jim knows this is not true. Jim has tried everything he can to persuade her that he is the man for her, but she just tells him not to be silly. Do you have any advice I could pass on to my friend, Jim? I know you have a lot of experience in these sorts of situations.

Dear Jim,

I do have a word of advice for youm a single word. Chloroform.

 

[Drago]

Dear Unkie Draggy

Whilst I'm very happy today, as it's Friday, I'm in Love, I need your esteemed assistance in finding a cure for the other days of the week.

I mean, Monday, you can fall apart, Tuesday and Wednesday break my heart, Oh and don't even start about Thursdays....and as for Saturday, wait, and Sunday always comes too late!

....I've tried bright uplifting Goth music, but it simply isn't helping.

Bobby Smith

Dear Brian,

I think I see your problem. Some Leonard Cohen will cheer you up no end.

Dear Uncle Draggs,
Following you as my mentor, I've now been wearing the same pair of Y fronts for the last 6 months (I did turn them inside out a couple of weeks ago just for a change). Now Greenpeace are threatening me with court action for environmental breaches. Any advice from an expert?

Thanks
Cruddy Buddy

Dear Squelchy,

Their concern is that when you give them their monthly scrape you don't wipe the butter knife before putting it back.

 

[Sterlo]

Dear Brian,

I think I see your problem. Some Leonard Cohen will cheer you up no end.



Dear Squelchy,

Their concern is that when you give them their monthly scrape you don't wipe the butter knife before putting it back.

What monthly scrape. I never knew about that, I've gone up 3 sizes in trousers to make them fit. It also gives more room for the flies that seem to have appeared for some reason?

 

[Drago]

One a month you need to remove them and scrape the dry bits off with a butter knife. Moist scratchings can be healthy with by one of those green nylon dish scourers. A quick rinse under the tap and ypu can slip it back in the kitchen with rhe Missus n9ne then wiser.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
It is not like me to ask for another's advice. Usually I have great confidence in my own judgement and abilities. But while I do not concede your judgement is better than mine, still, I think yours is one of the few perspectives that may be instructive, or at least help me make up my mind. I think I know what I should do, but I have a lot emotionally invested.
My issue is this. I am what you might call a sort of landscape gardener. Quite a while back I undertook a personal project. I was a bit pushed for time. The first few days went well (and they were long days) and I was pleased with what I had achieved. However, by the end of the week I think the workload had caught up with me and the work suffered. I probably should have taken the whole weekend off, and finished it the following Monday, but I was on a roll and I wanted to get it done. Straight after completion I was having problems, requiring drastic remedial action. I nearly decided to hose the whole thing down and start again, but then I thought that it was not all bad and relented. Over time I was still not happy with it, so I sent my boy to fix it. After much difficulty, it seemed like he had finally sorted it out. But now it has deteriorated again. I am considering sending the boy again to roll the whole thing up.