Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Percy Chucker,

I know it's a new fangled trend, but laying carpet in the garden is not a good idea. I'll send a local gardener, a Mr F. West, to dig it over for you.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I feel my boss makes completely unreasonable requests.

He now wants me to build a huge 300 cubit long boat myself. I have to find all that wood, cut it to size, screw it all together, caulk it, tar it. I feel this is an unreasonable request.

To top it all off, he wants me and my sons to round up two of every living creature and herd them on the boat. Has he ever tried to herd two cats?

I feel he is asking me to do things not in my job description.

Should I go on strike?

Yours faithfully,

Noah

 

[Drago]

Dear No Hoper,

Your boss is a charlatan. He claims to be God, but we all know Lemmy is God.

As for your problem...just buy a house on that new development in Milton Keynes. It'll soon be flooded so may as well be a boat.

And be creative with the animals. For instance, your boss never specified thet they be alive, so for two cats you could just get two Chinese takeaways from thet dodgy place in Bletchley, two crocodiles could be two Hermes handbags, etc. He'll never know.

 

[tyred]

Hi Drago, Pal,

I was wondering if you could gie me some advice on clathes.

Ma auld string simmit is getting a wee bit tatty. I need to buy some new clobber. Mary doll aye says I look like burst welly.

I was wondering whit I could wear that would reflect ma sophisticated, intelligent and weel educated personality?

Yours faithfully,
R.C. Nesbitt,
Restitution St.
Govan

 

[Drago]

Dear Radio Controlled Nobby,

A man of your sophistication requires equally sophisticated clothing.

Might I suggest a shell suit? Warm, practical, and yet somehow exotic as it suggests a man familiar with foreign travel, a man who spends winter in sunny Liverpool.

 

[tyred]

Dear Radio Controlled Nobby,

A man of your sophistication requires equally sophisticated clothing.

Might I suggest a shell suit? Warm, practical, and yet somehow exotic as it suggests a man familiar with foreign travel, a man who spends winter in sunny Liverpool.

Is the pocket big enough to hold a bottle of Buckfast?

Big Rab.

 

[Drago]

Is the pocket big enough to hold a bottle of Buckfast?

Big Rab.

You could slide it down one leg and tell Mary it's your schlong.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I find myself at a loss. The certainties I used to take for granted are now just so much insubstantial metaphysics.
I was a God, King and Country man.
Anything I was required to do, which I believed I should do, that it was my duty to do, well, I did it. No one did it better.
Now I wonder whether it was worth it.
I am not bothered about who I offed - they were as bad as me.
In honesty I wonder if I have lived longer than I should have. It was never the plan.
Still, I should not complain too much. You would not believe the fanny, and the cars. The cars were something else.
The problem is the other folks in the old folks home do not believe a word I say. I don't have any relatives to come visit me. All my old buddies are brown bread. Even the silly tart who was the boss's secretary eventually got married.
Songs on Sunday just does not cut it.
And the new lot, is this what it was all for?
Anyway, the new gerontologist is coming. I hope she is more fun than the last. I had to call in some special favours after the last.

 

[Drago]

Dear Lewis Collins,

Fear not. Some of us admire your work as a shining light of manliness. You single handedly made Ford Capris, leather jackets and Tag Heueueueueueuer Pasadena watches cool. You were the only good thing from the 70s that never turned out to be a pervert.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I've just realised I've been duped.

For many years, I was buying what I believed was fake tan in my favourite shade.

I've just realised that they've been selling me out of date Dulux Weathershield in some goddamned shade they couldn't sell.

I feel such a fool. What should I do?

Yours truly,
Mr. D. Trump

 

[Drago]

Dear Donald,

I suggest you become President and then misuse the authority of the office to wreak terrible vengeance upon them. And anyone else who's pithed you off lately.

In that vein may I say how splendid you look lately, and what a huge admirer I am of your work boffing porn actresses.

Remember MAGA - Make Aberdeen Great Again!

 

[stephec]

Dear Donald,

I suggest you become President and then misuse the authority of the office to wreak terrible vengeance upon them. And anyone else who's pithed you off lately.

In that vein may I say how splendid you look lately, and what a huge admirer I am of your work boffing porn actresses.

Remember MAGA - Make Aberdeen Great Again!

Again?

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am just a little silhouetto of a man. I did something pretty silly today. It seemed like a good idea at the time. My mum is taking it hard.

 

[Drago]

Dear Scaramoushe,

Dancing lessons will take your mind off your woes. Perhaps the fandango?

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Lemmy Drags

Help me! You see, I'm born to lose.

I know gambling's for fools, but what can I say Draggy, that's the way I like it, .... baby.

...and anyway, I don't want to live forever.

P.S. I did remember the Joker.

Bicyclehead.