Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Auntie Drago,
I hope I'm wrong but I have a deep suspicion that you are a charlatan and are actually just Drago, trying to get a cheap laugh out of peoples serious misfortune. Some of these letters have had me in tears, people have obviously had some real issues and you seem to be making light of their unfortunate misadventures.
I do hope I'm wrong as you have been giving some bloody advice.

Yours Fred Anonymous

Dear Ted Aloysious,

I can assure that that I am not a charlll  sharla con merchant, and am in no way affiliated with the dahsed handsome and debonair Drago Farquhar III ( (c) Drago industries 1968).

All advice given my me comes with the standard cavaet that it may be fattening, offensive, or result in serious injury or death. Anything that doesn't is a bonus in my book.

Regards,

Not Drago.

 

[postman]

Dear Uncle Drago,how do you tell someone the birthday gift they sent you is crap.I was sent a novelty Womble grinder Every time I have used it it's either underground or Overground and the bits stick in my teeth.I await your reply.

 

[Drago]

Sear Uncle Drago,how do you tell someone the birthday gift they sent you is crap.I was sent a novelty Womble grinder Every time I have used it it's either underground or Overground and the bits stick in my teeth.I await your reply.

Dear Pothead,

You ungrateful bar steward. I had to eat 31 happy meals before I got that. My farts still smell of sesame seed.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have a Napoleon complex. I don't mind that. What bothers me is that Napoleon Bonaparte was ruler of France at 30, and proceded to conquer most of Europe. True, he was eventually defeated, but he achieved no little amount by his death at 52. At the rate I am going I won't even have conquered England by the time I pop my clogs. I might not even conquer Berkshire. Have you got any tips? I really need to get my finger out.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I have a Napoleon complex. I don't mind that. What bothers me is that Napoleon Bonaparte was ruler of France at 30, and proceded to conquer most of Europe. True, he was eventually defeated, but he achieved no little amount by his death at 52. At the rate I am going I won't even have conquered England by the time I pop my clogs. I might not even conquer Berkshire. Have you got any tips? I really need to get my finger out.

Dear Keir...

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I find my guitar weeps.

Is this normal? What can I do to cheer up my guitar so it stops crying?

Yours sincerely,
Mr. G. Harrison

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I find my guitar weeps.

Is this normal? What can I do to cheer up my guitar so it stops crying?

Yours sincerely,
Mr. G. Harrison

Dear Geoff,

I am sorry to hear of your problem. Stick with it and things will improve. After all, All Things Must Pass.

 

[Dec66]

Dear Dragay

I recently felt tipsy and very happy, but now I seem to be in the slough of despond. I engaged in a job search, which proved to be ultimately successful, but did nothing for my happiness.

I do wonder why I waste my time trying to appease those who seem to have little regard for me.

I passed a couple who seemed to be joined at the hip, and even that made me melancholy. Perhaps because it reminded me of the time when my partner asked me to perform an act on her so lewd that I was utterly shocked. Sensing my distaste, she told me to leave. I ran away, of course.

I then saw somebody whose face I would never tire of kicking, and just smiled at them.

Why do I do this?

True to you, Steven, Old Trafford.

 

[postman]

Dear Geoff,

I am sorry to hear of your problem. Stick with it and things will improve. After all, All Things Must Pass.

Superb reply.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
It appears I have a "legal" problem and as you are a wise and knowledgeable chap I would appreciate your guidance.
Yesterday I decided to go for a spin on a bike. I chose to cycle through the park behind my house.
During the ride I somehow managed to knock down a total of 3 old ladies and run over a sausage dog.
It was then that some idiot in a car with those annoying flashing blue lights started to follow me. I managed to avoid him, only to be stopped by 2 bobbies.
Now I confess that I don't actually own a bike so had "borrowed" one.
Turned out to be owned by a 6 year old girl from the next road.
I said "well how would I know". They said the fact that it was pink, very small and had stabilisers should have given me a clue.
They say they are prosecuting and THIS is where you can help.........just what sort of defence should I offer ?
I look forward to your pearls of wisdom.
I will remain anonymous is that is OK.

 

[Drago]

Dear Dragay

I recently felt tipsy and very happy, but now I seem to be in the slough of despond. I engaged in a job search, which proved to be ultimately successful, but did nothing for my happiness.

I do wonder why I waste my time trying to appease those who seem to have little regard for me.

I passed a couple who seemed to be joined at the hip, and even that made me melancholy. Perhaps because it reminded me of the time when my partner asked me to perform an act on her so lewd that I was utterly shocked. Sensing my distaste, she told me to leave. I ran away, of course.

I then saw somebody whose face I would never tire of kicking, and just smiled at them.

Why do I do this?

True to you, Steven, Old Trafford.

Dear Dave,

I suspect your penchant for killing people, earing them, and then making a mask from their faces might have a small bearing on your current plight.

Superb reply.

Dear Postlethwaite,

Of course it is, although the reference will be wasted on anyone aged under 50.

Dear Uncle Drago.
It appears I have a "legal" problem and as you are a wise and knowledgeable chap I would appreciate your guidance.
Yesterday I decided to go for a spin on a bike. I chose to cycle through the park behind my house.
During the ride I somehow managed to knock down a total of 3 old ladies and run over a sausage dog.
It was then that some idiot in a car with those annoying flashing blue lights started to follow me. I managed to avoid him, only to be stopped by 2 bobbies.
Now I confess that I don't actually own a bike so had "borrowed" one.
Turned out to be owned by a 6 year old girl from the next road.
I said "well how would I know". They said the fact that it was pink, very small and had stabilisers should have given me a clue.
They say they are prosecuting and THIS is where you can help.........just what sort of defence should I offer ?
I look forward to your pearls of wisdom.
I will remain anonymous is that is OK.

Dear Dave Smedley of 108 Acacia Gardens, Tipton.

A ticklish one. I would go for an insanity defence. The best means of convincing the bench of your wobbly frame of mind is to tell them how you've never been the same since you took that job as Philip Scofields tea boy on the This Mornint show. With luck you may receive another payout from ITV to keep schtum.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Draggy

What with it being Shrove Tuesday and all that jazz, I suddenly realise I haven't a clue how to toss.

I am reliably advised that you are an expert tosser.

Any pearls of wisdom?

Toshy Boy.

 

[Drago]

Dear Tony Foy,

I am indeed an expert at tossing my caber. Stop sniggering at the back.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am concerned about my co-worker Lois. She keeps getting herself into scrapes and I have to keep baling her out. Not that I ever get much in the way of thanks. I keep telling her she is not bulletproof. It is dispiriting because I do quite like the young lady; totally unreciprocated of course. She is more interested in some high flier she meets in the line of work from time to time. He's got nothing I haven't got.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am concerned about my co-worker Lois. She keeps getting herself into scrapes and I have to keep baling her out. Not that I ever get much in the way of thanks. I keep telling her she is not bulletproof. It is dispiriting because I do quite like the young lady; totally unreciprocated of course. She is more interested in some high flier she meets in the line of work from time to time. He's got nothing I haven't got.

He has a 14 inch schlong and a Lamborghini.