And are they native to Ayrshire?
Uncle Drago's agony column
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And are they native to Ayrshire?
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Not native, but some were released from captivity after a change of legislation in the 70s prevented them being kept as pets and they are thriving in the wilds of Kilmarnock.
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Dear Draggy Boi
I'm approaching the end of my sixth decade on this mortal coil.
The other day, out on a ride, I saw a cyclist ahead and the old competitive urge kicked in, and I steadily hauled him in.
Obviously, I took a few seconds to take his back wheel before a big effort to ride round him.
Breathing though both ends at once, I managed, what I thought was a fairly well enunciated "Good Morning" without sounding like I was about to pass out, and sneaked up the road.
Blow me down, if, a few seconds later, he came right back at me, shouting "Awright Grandad" before disappearing up the road. How could he have possibly have ridden that quick with stabilisers.
What am I to do?
Grumpy Gandad.
I'm approaching the end of my sixth decade on this mortal coil.
The other day, out on a ride, I saw a cyclist ahead and the old competitive urge kicked in, and I steadily hauled him in.
Obviously, I took a few seconds to take his back wheel before a big effort to ride round him.
Breathing though both ends at once, I managed, what I thought was a fairly well enunciated "Good Morning" without sounding like I was about to pass out, and sneaked up the road.
Blow me down, if, a few seconds later, he came right back at me, shouting "Awright Grandad" before disappearing up the road. How could he have possibly have ridden that quick with stabilisers.
What am I to do?
Grumpy Gandad.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Toblerone,
A course of methamphetamine should to the trick. A local quack, Dr Accrington-Crippen, could fulfil you're, er, prescription.
Alternatively, the old pie on a stick dangled jn front of your head trick may work, but is liable to attract the local dogs.
Parson Drago.
A course of methamphetamine should to the trick. A local quack, Dr Accrington-Crippen, could fulfil you're, er, prescription.
Alternatively, the old pie on a stick dangled jn front of your head trick may work, but is liable to attract the local dogs.
Parson Drago.
Dear Mr. Drago,
I am writing to you using my Parker 51, Parker Quink and superior quality writing paper.
I need advice on how to deal with my extended family who are such an embarrassment when one wishes to mix in the higher levels in society.
My sister Rose (she's not the one with the Mercedes and room for a pony) is overly fond of wearing micro miniskirts and attracting completely the wrong type of suitor for one at our level in society. How can I persuade her to dress in a respectable manner and find a nice, sensible accountant to marry?
My other sister, Daisy, is married to a bone-idle slob who wears baseball caps and string vests and drives a run down deathtrap of an old Ford. He has the audacity to park it outside my elegant suburban dwelling with a respectable post code. What ever will Mrs. Smythe-Humphery in number 34 think? There ought to be a law against bringing such scrap into respectable areas.
I do have another sister, Violet, who does have a Mercedes and room for a pony and is married to someone of the right social standing but unfortunately he likes to wear my sister's clothes.
What can I do about my dear Daddy who is senile and likes to go around pulling up girls skirts? He is such an embarrassment.
Also, I don't feel my husband is as supportive as he could be towards my efforts to create a good impression.
Mr. Drago, as you seem to be of respectable breeding, you are cordially invited to my next candlelight supper. I do hope you can make it. You can RSVP by calling me on my white slimline telephone with last number redial.
Yours faithfully,
Mrs. Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced Bouquet).
I am writing to you using my Parker 51, Parker Quink and superior quality writing paper.
I need advice on how to deal with my extended family who are such an embarrassment when one wishes to mix in the higher levels in society.
My sister Rose (she's not the one with the Mercedes and room for a pony) is overly fond of wearing micro miniskirts and attracting completely the wrong type of suitor for one at our level in society. How can I persuade her to dress in a respectable manner and find a nice, sensible accountant to marry?
My other sister, Daisy, is married to a bone-idle slob who wears baseball caps and string vests and drives a run down deathtrap of an old Ford. He has the audacity to park it outside my elegant suburban dwelling with a respectable post code. What ever will Mrs. Smythe-Humphery in number 34 think? There ought to be a law against bringing such scrap into respectable areas.
I do have another sister, Violet, who does have a Mercedes and room for a pony and is married to someone of the right social standing but unfortunately he likes to wear my sister's clothes.
What can I do about my dear Daddy who is senile and likes to go around pulling up girls skirts? He is such an embarrassment.
Also, I don't feel my husband is as supportive as he could be towards my efforts to create a good impression.
Mr. Drago, as you seem to be of respectable breeding, you are cordially invited to my next candlelight supper. I do hope you can make it. You can RSVP by calling me on my white slimline telephone with last number redial.
Yours faithfully,
Mrs. Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced Bouquet).
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Hyabusa,
A ticklish predicament indeed.
I would suggest you deal with daddy by taking him to the local dogging spot, where he can pull up as many skirts as he wishes. Who knows, one or two might not even have winkies concealed beneath?
As for your feckless husband I can only suggest a course of testosterone injections to man him up.
Regards,
Dr Drago.
A ticklish predicament indeed.
I would suggest you deal with daddy by taking him to the local dogging spot, where he can pull up as many skirts as he wishes. Who knows, one or two might not even have winkies concealed beneath?
As for your feckless husband I can only suggest a course of testosterone injections to man him up.
Regards,
Dr Drago.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Of course, but no rohypnol this time.
Great. We shall be delighted to entertain you.
P.S. If you happen to arrive in a Ford Cortina, please park it in the next street.
H.
ebikeerwidnes
Guru
- Location
- Z’ha’dum
Can he arrive by ebike?
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OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
As an aside, my FiL lives about 6 houses along from Hyacinth Buckets house in Binley Woods, and to this day fans still show up for photos.
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Dear Vet Drago
I was talking to an accountant friend of mine the other day, who told me a young lady had just joined their firm, and advised them on some days she identifies as a cat (by the way, that part is absolutely true).
As a good friend I would like to go back with some meaningful and proactive advice.
As such, I have come down to two options, and seek your wise counsel here, as to which I should provide:
1. Ensure they place a litter tray in the corner of the office.
2. Simply have her put down.
Many thanks.
Friend of an Accountant (yes unbelievably, they do have some).
I was talking to an accountant friend of mine the other day, who told me a young lady had just joined their firm, and advised them on some days she identifies as a cat (by the way, that part is absolutely true).
As a good friend I would like to go back with some meaningful and proactive advice.
As such, I have come down to two options, and seek your wise counsel here, as to which I should provide:
1. Ensure they place a litter tray in the corner of the office.
2. Simply have her put down.
Many thanks.
Friend of an Accountant (yes unbelievably, they do have some).
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Totty Boy,
I suggest a trip to the vets for an emergency spaying.
Professor Drago.
I suggest a trip to the vets for an emergency spaying.
Professor Drago.
My dearest Drago,
I feel I have an undeserved bad reputation. People say I am miserable and use my name in vain as a adjective to describe someone who doesn't like spending money.
I admit, that in the past, my reputation for meanness may possibly have been deserved. In my youth, I do admit I considered amassing huge personal wealth and I valued my bags of gold Sovereigns above all else.
Then I had a life-changing experience which taught me the error of my ways. I am a changed man now. I bestowed gifts upon my long-suffering clerk and gave him a generous ten shilling a week pay rise as well as coal for his office fire.
I give generously to many charities for the poor and disadvantaged of London. I even attend my nephew's Christmas parties.
What can one do to help people see the new me and appreciate my warm and generous spirit? I am most fatigued by always being considered a mean old man.
Yours faithfully,
Ebenezer Scrooge.
I feel I have an undeserved bad reputation. People say I am miserable and use my name in vain as a adjective to describe someone who doesn't like spending money.
I admit, that in the past, my reputation for meanness may possibly have been deserved. In my youth, I do admit I considered amassing huge personal wealth and I valued my bags of gold Sovereigns above all else.
Then I had a life-changing experience which taught me the error of my ways. I am a changed man now. I bestowed gifts upon my long-suffering clerk and gave him a generous ten shilling a week pay rise as well as coal for his office fire.
I give generously to many charities for the poor and disadvantaged of London. I even attend my nephew's Christmas parties.
What can one do to help people see the new me and appreciate my warm and generous spirit? I am most fatigued by always being considered a mean old man.
Yours faithfully,
Ebenezer Scrooge.
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