My Dearest Uncle Drago,
I would be most grateful if you could give your attention to a little problem that causes me occasional distress.
I share my modest apartment with a man of good character and of incredible intelligence.
However, my room mate has one or two personal habits which drive his fellow lodger to distraction.
I had just finished putting up new wallpaper when he decided to use it for target practise with revolver and create and the insignia of our gracious Majesty on the wall with bullet pock marks; ruining my lovely brick-effect wallpaper in the process.
He also often reeks the place out by smoking the most vile-smelling tobacco. It is like sharing a room with a Lancashire boiler. He also leaves his many pipes scattered all over the sitting room and stores his tobacco in my best slipper.
As a man who enjoys keeping up to date with what is happening in the city and the world in general, he buys every conceivable newspaper and periodical and leaves them scattered all over the place, making my sitting room look like an explosive at a printing works.
He also likes to conduct chemistry experiments at the kitchen table and stains my new tablecloth with chemicals which have defied Mrs. Hudson's best attempts to launder.
Then there is also the trifling matter of him assaulting my ear drums in the wee wee hours whilst he practises his violin.
How could one brooch these small matters with one's fellow lodger without causing him lasting offence?
You advice by return post would be most gratefully received.
Yours faithfully,
Dr. John H. Watson,
221b Baker Street,
London.
