Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

I've spoken to Mrs Dave about this. She says she has seen a snake loose in the bedroom, and she was hoping to lure it out with butter (which snakes love) and then kill it with chilli. Fortunately, it sounds like the dwarf spitting Cobra, so shouldn't take much chilli so snuff out.

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I have the most enormous cock. Everybody who sees it says it is the biggest one they have ever seen. Standing fully upright it is a good two foot. I know a lot of people would probably dream of having a cock this size but it is causing me nothing but misery.

My girlfriend is terrified of it and runs off screaming every time she sees it. It has got so bad that she refuses to visit me anymore unless I promise her not to let it out. It also makes the most enormous racket every time it goes off, which can be at any time of the day or night.

I am at my wits end. Can you help?

Sleepless Ste, Seton Sands

 

[Ming the Merciless]

A neighbour insists they are a keen cyclist but they drive 400 yards to the newsagents for a paper each morning. How do I point out the contradiction without getting into an argument?

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I have the most enormous cock. Everybody who sees it says it is the biggest one they have ever seen. Standing fully upright it is a good two foot. I know a lot of people would probably dream of having a cock this size but it is causing me nothing but misery.

My girlfriend is terrified of it and runs off screaming every time she sees it. It has got so bad that she refuses to visit me anymore unless I promise her not to let it out. It also makes the most enormous racket every time it goes off, which can be at any time of the day or night.

I am at my wits end. Can you help?

Sleepless Ste, Seton Sands

Dear sleepy,

I presume you mean some kind of small poultry bird? I suggest you choke the chicken, and make a nice thick casserole.

 

[Drago]

A neighbour insists they are a keen cyclist but they drive 400 yards to the newsagents for a paper each morning. How do I point out the contradiction without getting into an argument?

You can't. Let them get on with it, and when they die an early death you can ride to the graveyard and lean your bike on their headstone.

 

[classic33]

Dear sleepy,

I presume you mean some kind of small poultry bird? I suggest you choke the chicken, and make a nice thick casserole.

Dear Uncle Drago,

Whats the hen do?

Sleepless Ste, Seton Sands

 

[Drago]

Dear sleeting,

What didn't What do? Well, she'd had a bit to drink!

 

[PK99]

Dear sleepy,

I presume you mean some kind of small poultry bird? I suggest you choke the chicken, and make a nice thick casserole.

If you choke the chicken a nice white sauce might be good...

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago,

My London-based granddaughter, who's a fussy eater has just announced that she's vegan. It goes against the grain of everything our family stands for. We're (dare I say it) classic hunting, fishing, shooting types.

I met my wife on a grouse moor in Perthshire 40 years ago and have been plucking game birds ever since. I've spoken to friends and it seems that veganism is all the rage these days among the young. I can't understand it at all. In my day you ate what was put on your plate and that was the end of it.

Am I expected to put up with this sort of nonsense? Or should I take a stand? They are all coming to us for Christmas and I'm already dreading the cooking. Apparently cheese and eggs are off-limits – and even mince pies are verboten.


Virgil X from Ventongimps
(I've changed my name – for obvious reasons)

PS No point discussing things with my daughter-in-law. She's what I would describe as a ''hands-off father''. Rarely lifts a finger and very happy to just let her children run riot.

 

[Drago]

Dear Virgin,

Why don't you take her for a nice meal at McDonald's to discuss the issue? She's quite safe, the odds of there being any meat in it are slim to nil.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Someone thought a was being dumb having a dumb phone. Can you put them straight, yours Mark Zuckerberg.

 

[Drago]

Dear Mr Brandenburg,

I'm sorry, but ive told you - no more harvesting my details for profit! Not that I used my real details anyway.

Regards,

Accy.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Dear Accy we have traced you to Classic33

 

[classic33]

Dear Accy we have traced you to Classic33

How?

 

[Drago]

Via a Facebook personality test. You also have the pecs and glutes of Screenman.