raleighnut
Legendary Member
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- One of the 'Elite'
It's no use trying to weasel out of it, the contract has gone out and the moggie posse can't be mollified they are looking forward to it too much.
Uncle Drago's agony column
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It's no use trying to weasel out of it, the contract has gone out and the moggie posse can't be mollified they are looking forward to it too much.
Dear Drago,
With a few tenners placed in the right pocket, I managed to get the cleaner and the hotel to drop the charges.
I'm back home again now with that woman up the road. She did me the honour of accepting my invitation to dinner at my house.
I was just a little concerned that she wanted to pay bail for that Dave character, who has got himself into some sort of bother. Something to do with a child's tricycle. Don't really know the details, but why is putting up his bail money.
Dinner went really well and I really pushed the boat out and did steak and kidney pie and oven chips. I got a lovely bottle of wine from that guy in the corner of the market. You can't go wrong at two quid a bottle. I want to create a good impression after all.
Unfortunately, I just realised the Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie he sold me was best before 12th February, 1998. I thought the tin was a wee bit rusty as I was opening it.
Now I'm paranoid I might have given her food poisoning due to the out of date pie. She ran to the toilet ninety minutes ago and hasn't come back since.
Should I be concerned? Can I be charged with anything?
Regards,
Aubrey
With a few tenners placed in the right pocket, I managed to get the cleaner and the hotel to drop the charges.
I'm back home again now with that woman up the road. She did me the honour of accepting my invitation to dinner at my house.
I was just a little concerned that she wanted to pay bail for that Dave character, who has got himself into some sort of bother. Something to do with a child's tricycle. Don't really know the details, but why is putting up his bail money.
Dinner went really well and I really pushed the boat out and did steak and kidney pie and oven chips. I got a lovely bottle of wine from that guy in the corner of the market. You can't go wrong at two quid a bottle. I want to create a good impression after all.
Unfortunately, I just realised the Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie he sold me was best before 12th February, 1998. I thought the tin was a wee bit rusty as I was opening it.
Now I'm paranoid I might have given her food poisoning due to the out of date pie. She ran to the toilet ninety minutes ago and hasn't come back since.
Should I be concerned? Can I be charged with anything?
Regards,
Aubrey
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Agnes,
The good news is you can tell her "it" is a cure for diarrhoea. Every cloud, eh?
The good news is you can tell her "it" is a cure for diarrhoea. Every cloud, eh?
ebikeerwidnes
Guru
- Location
- Z’ha’dum
Well yes - but I feel I should want you that the bedsheets might need washing afterwards
so best to use her bed in my experience
Hope this helps
Dear Uncle Drago,
I'm afraid to say that the woman up the road has left me. She accused me of being a cheapskate and giving her food poisoning.
How could she say such a thing? I wanted the best for her and bought her a Fray Bentos pie. How was I supposed to know it was over twenty years out of date?
She also cut up my best suit with a pair of scit and keyed my Granada Ghia before she left. She scored it right down to the fillers.
I worry she's run off with that Dave again?
Do you think there is any way I could win her back again? What would you recommend?
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
I'm afraid to say that the woman up the road has left me. She accused me of being a cheapskate and giving her food poisoning.
How could she say such a thing? I wanted the best for her and bought her a Fray Bentos pie. How was I supposed to know it was over twenty years out of date?
She also cut up my best suit with a pair of scit and keyed my Granada Ghia before she left. She scored it right down to the fillers.
I worry she's run off with that Dave again?
Do you think there is any way I could win her back again? What would you recommend?
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
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OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Deat Auberge,
This is so sad to hear.
She's one of "those" women, the sort who doesn't like a Ford Gradad Ghia.
There's only one thing that will impress her and bring her crawling back. A mk1 Vauxhall Carlton 1.8 GL.
This is so sad to hear.
She's one of "those" women, the sort who doesn't like a Ford Gradad Ghia.
There's only one thing that will impress her and bring her crawling back. A mk1 Vauxhall Carlton 1.8 GL.
ebikeerwidnes
Guru
- Location
- Z’ha’dum
Yea Gods - I know he doesn;t want to look cheap but isn't that going a bit far???
Surely a decent Austin princess with a vinyl roof would impress any woman
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Meatbeaterwednesday,
Fear not! I have considered the matter and the Carlton makes him look posh but tasteful and discreet.
A Princess is too flash, he'd look like spiv.
Fear not! I have considered the matter and the Carlton makes him look posh but tasteful and discreet.
A Princess is too flash, he'd look like spiv.
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Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Dear Unkie Drags
That lovely Mr Rea told me he was driving home for Christmas.
It's now early January, and to be honest I'm not sure whether (a) he's OK, and got waylaid at that Auberge again, or (b) to be annoyed that he may have stood me up, again!
I mean, I've been making do with various ne'er do wells in the meantime, but to be honest, they just "don't do it for me".
Do you have Mr Rea's number by any chance?
That woman up the road.
That lovely Mr Rea told me he was driving home for Christmas.
It's now early January, and to be honest I'm not sure whether (a) he's OK, and got waylaid at that Auberge again, or (b) to be annoyed that he may have stood me up, again!
I mean, I've been making do with various ne'er do wells in the meantime, but to be honest, they just "don't do it for me".
Do you have Mr Rea's number by any chance?
That woman up the road.
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OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Mrs Slapper,
Sadly Mr Rea, Chris to his friend, was driving home when he got caught up in a Class 12 Daily Mail Snowmageddon Event. He became trapped in the 2 inches of now an had to eat his car to survive.
He will be completing the journey on the foot he hasn't yet eaten come spring.
Sadly Mr Rea, Chris to his friend, was driving home when he got caught up in a Class 12 Daily Mail Snowmageddon Event. He became trapped in the 2 inches of now an had to eat his car to survive.
He will be completing the journey on the foot he hasn't yet eaten come spring.
Dear Uncle Drago,
My budget wasn't quite able to stretch to a Carlton. I did find a lovely 1985 Nissan Laurel in hearing aid beige for two hundred notes.
I was able to impress that woman up the road with my brown velour upholstery, rear seat reading lamps, arm rests, push button stereo with automatic aerial, cassette tape storage, remote cable operated petrol flap and coin storage tray to hold coins for parking meters. You can tell this is a quality motor and a cut above anything from Luton or Dagenham.
I took her for a drive to show her how refined it was just cruising around listening to my Max Bygraves cassette and it was all going so well I decided to treat her to a bite to eat so I got some leftover sausage rolls from the deli counter at the petrol station and a carton of Ribena to wash it down with. I know how to impress a lady.
When we got back to her house, she was admiring the Laurel's stylish lines running her hand over it. Unfortunately, her hand went through the wing and she cut herself really badly. I had to take her to the hospital to get stitched up.
Now she is angry with me again and ignoring my calls. What can I do to win her round again?
Also, I'm trying to understand the warranty on my Laurel to see if I can get it repaired. It's written on the back of a King Edward cigar packet. I'm having a little trouble getting in touch with the guy I bought it from. His name was Derek and I met him in the car part of the Nag's Head public house, Peckham. How can I make a warranty claim?
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
My budget wasn't quite able to stretch to a Carlton. I did find a lovely 1985 Nissan Laurel in hearing aid beige for two hundred notes.
I was able to impress that woman up the road with my brown velour upholstery, rear seat reading lamps, arm rests, push button stereo with automatic aerial, cassette tape storage, remote cable operated petrol flap and coin storage tray to hold coins for parking meters. You can tell this is a quality motor and a cut above anything from Luton or Dagenham.
I took her for a drive to show her how refined it was just cruising around listening to my Max Bygraves cassette and it was all going so well I decided to treat her to a bite to eat so I got some leftover sausage rolls from the deli counter at the petrol station and a carton of Ribena to wash it down with. I know how to impress a lady.
When we got back to her house, she was admiring the Laurel's stylish lines running her hand over it. Unfortunately, her hand went through the wing and she cut herself really badly. I had to take her to the hospital to get stitched up.
Now she is angry with me again and ignoring my calls. What can I do to win her round again?
Also, I'm trying to understand the warranty on my Laurel to see if I can get it repaired. It's written on the back of a King Edward cigar packet. I'm having a little trouble getting in touch with the guy I bought it from. His name was Derek and I met him in the car part of the Nag's Head public house, Peckham. How can I make a warranty claim?
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Anus,
You fool! One look at a Nissan Laurel and she'll think you're the President of Malaysia. A Rolls Royce would be more subtle.
Her anger is clearly because she thinks you're well out of her league with a motor like that.
Try again with a more discreet executive motor, perhaps a mid 80's Hyundai Pony. And remember, it's pronounced high-oon-die.
As for the unfortunate cut to her hand, we'll, my old Gran used to swear by smearing cuts with Marmite to promote healing. At least she did before she was imprisoned for child cruelty.
You fool! One look at a Nissan Laurel and she'll think you're the President of Malaysia. A Rolls Royce would be more subtle.
Her anger is clearly because she thinks you're well out of her league with a motor like that.
Try again with a more discreet executive motor, perhaps a mid 80's Hyundai Pony. And remember, it's pronounced high-oon-die.
As for the unfortunate cut to her hand, we'll, my old Gran used to swear by smearing cuts with Marmite to promote healing. At least she did before she was imprisoned for child cruelty.
Dear Drago,
That woman up the road had waited 72 hours to get treatment and still wasn't seen by a nurse. I decided to take it on myself and I used the faithful old treatment of wire brush and Dettol. That will stop any infections. Mind you she did scream the house down. So much so that the nosey old bat next door called the old bill and I got arrested but they let me out on bail. I'm not sure how to defend myself in court when the case comes up.
Perhaps you were right regarding the car. A Nissan Laurel is too ostentatious. I traded it in for a Seat Malaga diesel. I decided to go to a respectable car dealership this time so I bought from A. Daley motors.
Mind you, it lacks a little in refinement compared to the Laurel. It sounds like a Massey Ferguson at idle and has similar levels of performance. Still, that woman up the road enjoyed our day out at the seaside. To make the day special, I made a picnic with Spam and ketchup sandwiches. Unfortunately, the door fell off on the way home and I think that woman up the road caught a cold and is annoyed with me again.
I was thinking about inviting her round for dinner to make it up to her. I learnt my lesson last time with the Fray Bentos pie. I think I will go for something really impressive this time like sardines in tomato sauce on toast with Angel's Delight with a tin of fruit cocktail for dessert. Does this sound like it would create a good impression?
It's important I show myself to be a much better catch than that Dave.
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
That woman up the road had waited 72 hours to get treatment and still wasn't seen by a nurse. I decided to take it on myself and I used the faithful old treatment of wire brush and Dettol. That will stop any infections. Mind you she did scream the house down. So much so that the nosey old bat next door called the old bill and I got arrested but they let me out on bail. I'm not sure how to defend myself in court when the case comes up.
Perhaps you were right regarding the car. A Nissan Laurel is too ostentatious. I traded it in for a Seat Malaga diesel. I decided to go to a respectable car dealership this time so I bought from A. Daley motors.
Mind you, it lacks a little in refinement compared to the Laurel. It sounds like a Massey Ferguson at idle and has similar levels of performance. Still, that woman up the road enjoyed our day out at the seaside. To make the day special, I made a picnic with Spam and ketchup sandwiches. Unfortunately, the door fell off on the way home and I think that woman up the road caught a cold and is annoyed with me again.
I was thinking about inviting her round for dinner to make it up to her. I learnt my lesson last time with the Fray Bentos pie. I think I will go for something really impressive this time like sardines in tomato sauce on toast with Angel's Delight with a tin of fruit cocktail for dessert. Does this sound like it would create a good impression?
It's important I show myself to be a much better catch than that Dave.
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Auris,
Probably best to tell the poileas that she is with Just Halt Coal and was planning on disrupting a motorway so you ere conducting an exorcism.
Nice work on the Seat Malaga. Might have been best to have bought one thet isn't have a Trabant badge on the boot lod crossed out with marker pen and the word Seat crawled next to it. One could be forgiven for thinking something isn't quite right there.
Fray Bentos won't impress. If she's the quality bird I suspect you'll need a meal with better quality meat, such a Pedigree Chum.
Probably best to tell the poileas that she is with Just Halt Coal and was planning on disrupting a motorway so you ere conducting an exorcism.
Nice work on the Seat Malaga. Might have been best to have bought one thet isn't have a Trabant badge on the boot lod crossed out with marker pen and the word Seat crawled next to it. One could be forgiven for thinking something isn't quite right there.
Fray Bentos won't impress. If she's the quality bird I suspect you'll need a meal with better quality meat, such a Pedigree Chum.
Dear uncle Drago.
As you have been so helpful to me I would like to bring you up to date with my love life.
I visited the woman of my dreams ie her up the road.
How upsetting to see her with her hand all bandaged up. I put my arm around her and went to kiss those lovely botoxed lips but alas her breath stunk of a mix of dog food and sardines. She suddenly let out an almighty fart, screamed "oh no, not again" and mad a dash for her outside toilet.
She came back 2 hours later cursing some bloke called Aubrey who she said was a cheap perv with a terrible taste in cars. I pride myself on my Reliant Robin which I think she will like.
My question is, should I stay faithful to her even though she went off with that pervy bloke or try to find a new love.
Yours
Mr Todger.
As you have been so helpful to me I would like to bring you up to date with my love life.
I visited the woman of my dreams ie her up the road.
How upsetting to see her with her hand all bandaged up. I put my arm around her and went to kiss those lovely botoxed lips but alas her breath stunk of a mix of dog food and sardines. She suddenly let out an almighty fart, screamed "oh no, not again" and mad a dash for her outside toilet.
She came back 2 hours later cursing some bloke called Aubrey who she said was a cheap perv with a terrible taste in cars. I pride myself on my Reliant Robin which I think she will like.
My question is, should I stay faithful to her even though she went off with that pervy bloke or try to find a new love.
Yours
Mr Todger.
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