Uncle Drago's agony column
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OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Ray,
Perhaps if you stopped kerb crawling you wouldn't get upset when she turns out to be an undercover copper?
Perhaps if you stopped kerb crawling you wouldn't get upset when she turns out to be an undercover copper?
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Dear Uncle Drags
Do you know where I can find a decent PR adviser, I seem to have cooked up a bit of a storm?
Whilst writing, how do you wear your sock?
Greg Wally.
Do you know where I can find a decent PR adviser, I seem to have cooked up a bit of a storm?
Whilst writing, how do you wear your sock?
Greg Wally.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Tyresome,
A liberal application of Swarfeg wil cure the Folsom Prison Blues. Your frien Bubba probably has a pot under his bunk.
According to Lord Accrington St.John-Smythe of this parish, suits are also available in yellow.
Dear Smeg,
Alas, the sad demise of the much loved Max Clifford I can only recommend Michael Barrymore to those wishing to salvage a damaged reputation.
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markharry66
Guru
just stay away from pools when in his company you will be fine.
Dear Uncle Drago,
I woke up to some strange happenings this fine Yuletide morn.
Someone had made a mess in the fireplace and trampled sooty footprints of hob-nailed boots all over the living room carpet and dumped a load of rubbish under the Christmas tree.
The six-pack of Tennent's and the box of mince pies that I had left sitting on the table has also been consumed.
When I went to get dressed, I discovered some idiot had stuffed a Terry's Chocolate Orange and a Best of Noel's House party Christmas Specials DVD inside my sock.
When I went outside, my garden has been all messed up and covered in reindeer shoot and there are cracked slates on my roof
What on earth happened and what should I put on the insurance claim form?
Yours faithfully,
Marmaduke
I woke up to some strange happenings this fine Yuletide morn.
Someone had made a mess in the fireplace and trampled sooty footprints of hob-nailed boots all over the living room carpet and dumped a load of rubbish under the Christmas tree.
The six-pack of Tennent's and the box of mince pies that I had left sitting on the table has also been consumed.
When I went to get dressed, I discovered some idiot had stuffed a Terry's Chocolate Orange and a Best of Noel's House party Christmas Specials DVD inside my sock.
When I went outside, my garden has been all messed up and covered in reindeer shoot and there are cracked slates on my roof
What on earth happened and what should I put on the insurance claim form?
Yours faithfully,
Marmaduke
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Tearful,
It's clearly those illegal immigrants you've been hearing about in the Mail. They've probably eaten your dog too.
Little point writing to that Keir Strainer bloke - he couldn't lie straight in bed.
I suggest contacting that nice Elon "Gate" Musk. He and his nice friend Ronald Twunt seem to have a handle on this. However, you might want to make sure that you're properly documented yourself before posting the letter...
It's clearly those illegal immigrants you've been hearing about in the Mail. They've probably eaten your dog too.
Little point writing to that Keir Strainer bloke - he couldn't lie straight in bed.
I suggest contacting that nice Elon "Gate" Musk. He and his nice friend Ronald Twunt seem to have a handle on this. However, you might want to make sure that you're properly documented yourself before posting the letter...
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Dear Unkie Drags
Festive greetings!
Something that has been bothering me for some time, is that I have never seen you, Santa and Philip Schofield in the same room together!
You are, obviously, three incredibly well known characters, and I can't help but consider that you are, actually, one and the same individual.
Now, I have to admit, the thought of P Schofield Esq, squirming down my chimney at night, is a frightening thought.
So, please, at least tell me it's is Father Crimbo alone, that is in fact, our beloved Dragmaster.
Petrified of Lower Shitterfield.
Festive greetings!
Something that has been bothering me for some time, is that I have never seen you, Santa and Philip Schofield in the same room together!
You are, obviously, three incredibly well known characters, and I can't help but consider that you are, actually, one and the same individual.
Now, I have to admit, the thought of P Schofield Esq, squirming down my chimney at night, is a frightening thought.
So, please, at least tell me it's is Father Crimbo alone, that is in fact, our beloved Dragmaster.
Petrified of Lower Shitterfield.
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OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Nosher Toy,
The time myself, Santa and Schofied were seen together in Cout was at the Old Bailey.
The details are too horrific to recount. Suffice to say Schofield got 10 years, Santa's farts are now silent, and me with my boyish good looks was mistaken for Schofield and I no longer get any Christmas presents.
The time myself, Santa and Schofied were seen together in Cout was at the Old Bailey.
The details are too horrific to recount. Suffice to say Schofield got 10 years, Santa's farts are now silent, and me with my boyish good looks was mistaken for Schofield and I no longer get any Christmas presents.
Dear Uncle Drago,
With Christmas approaching, I decided to have one last attempt to impress that woman up the road.
I bought a 250g box of Black Magic to create a good impression. To really seal the deal, I picked up a bunch of flowers from the Texaco garage.
When I drove around to her house, there was light on in her bedroom window, so I decided to really create maximum impact. I nipped back home again to get a ladder. Unfortunately, I got pulled over and given a ticket for an unsecured load. Apparently tying a ladder to the roofrack of your Granada Ghia with a mini USB cable is not acceptable.
Despite the setback, I was unperturbed. With the flowers clenched in my teeth, and my Black Magic stuffed in my pocket, I climbed the ladder up to her bedroom window and whistled loudly. She flung the window open and unfortunately, it opens out and it knocked the top of the ladder and I lost my balance.
I had the misfortune to land on top of the sundial and thing that casts shadows got wedged in a rather unfortunate place. I was unable to extract myself from the sundial and as that woman was unable to manhandle me and the sundial into the car, the fire brigade had to be called. It was also rather embarrassing explaining how it it happened to the nurses in the hospital. I don't understand how I keep having these unfortunate accidents, but it's rather embarrassing.
Now that I've been discharged from hospital, I have hobbled around to her house on my crutches. I was able to beat the Black Magic box back into shape and salvage a few of the flowers
I'm round here now but I see that Dave's Triumph Acclaim parked in the driveway and he is serenading her beneath her window with an out of tune version of "Come fly with me."
I don't know what to do next. Have I missed my chance due to my unfortunate accidents and I wasted my money on expensive chocolates and flowers? Has Dave stolen her from me? Is there a way back?
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
With Christmas approaching, I decided to have one last attempt to impress that woman up the road.
I bought a 250g box of Black Magic to create a good impression. To really seal the deal, I picked up a bunch of flowers from the Texaco garage.
When I drove around to her house, there was light on in her bedroom window, so I decided to really create maximum impact. I nipped back home again to get a ladder. Unfortunately, I got pulled over and given a ticket for an unsecured load. Apparently tying a ladder to the roofrack of your Granada Ghia with a mini USB cable is not acceptable.
Despite the setback, I was unperturbed. With the flowers clenched in my teeth, and my Black Magic stuffed in my pocket, I climbed the ladder up to her bedroom window and whistled loudly. She flung the window open and unfortunately, it opens out and it knocked the top of the ladder and I lost my balance.
I had the misfortune to land on top of the sundial and thing that casts shadows got wedged in a rather unfortunate place. I was unable to extract myself from the sundial and as that woman was unable to manhandle me and the sundial into the car, the fire brigade had to be called. It was also rather embarrassing explaining how it it happened to the nurses in the hospital. I don't understand how I keep having these unfortunate accidents, but it's rather embarrassing.
Now that I've been discharged from hospital, I have hobbled around to her house on my crutches. I was able to beat the Black Magic box back into shape and salvage a few of the flowers
I'm round here now but I see that Dave's Triumph Acclaim parked in the driveway and he is serenading her beneath her window with an out of tune version of "Come fly with me."
I don't know what to do next. Have I missed my chance due to my unfortunate accidents and I wasted my money on expensive chocolates and flowers? Has Dave stolen her from me? Is there a way back?
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Stull A Virgin,
So much to discuss.
Firsty, a bag full of rabbit droppings only counts as chocolate on Haloween.
As for the sundial stuck where the sun doesn't shine there is only one cure - amputation of the arse. Of course, your legs will probably fall off but at least you won't look like late middle-aged christmas tree ornament.
So much to discuss.
Firsty, a bag full of rabbit droppings only counts as chocolate on Haloween.
As for the sundial stuck where the sun doesn't shine there is only one cure - amputation of the arse. Of course, your legs will probably fall off but at least you won't look like late middle-aged christmas tree ornament.
Dear uncle Drago.
My conscience is bothering me, can you help please.
I decided to try my luck with that woman up the road.
I wanted to make an Impression so took 2 boxes of black magic and 2 bunches of flowers. OK, I nicked them from the Tesco garage and managed to outrun the fat woman behind the counter.
Anyway my gifts did the trick and I managed to have my evil way with her.
So...... As we were in bed we heard a noise at the window and there was some bloke climbing up a ladder. Well, that woman was feeling frisky so asked me to open the window and let him in.
Unfortunately I managed to knock the poor guy off the ladder and he landed on the sun dial.
Well, he sat on it and had a big smile on his face so I left him to enjoy it.
I have since heard that he he required hospital treatment, poor chap.
So........
Should I find out who he is and visit him? I still have half a box of squashed black magic I could take him. I could jump into my Triumph Acclaim and nip there.
Any advice would be appreciated.
My conscience is bothering me, can you help please.
I decided to try my luck with that woman up the road.
I wanted to make an Impression so took 2 boxes of black magic and 2 bunches of flowers. OK, I nicked them from the Tesco garage and managed to outrun the fat woman behind the counter.
Anyway my gifts did the trick and I managed to have my evil way with her.
So...... As we were in bed we heard a noise at the window and there was some bloke climbing up a ladder. Well, that woman was feeling frisky so asked me to open the window and let him in.
Unfortunately I managed to knock the poor guy off the ladder and he landed on the sun dial.
Well, he sat on it and had a big smile on his face so I left him to enjoy it.
I have since heard that he he required hospital treatment, poor chap.
So........
Should I find out who he is and visit him? I still have half a box of squashed black magic I could take him. I could jump into my Triumph Acclaim and nip there.
Any advice would be appreciated.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Deer Mavis,
What a terrible mess you've made, but top marks for fessing up.
I think you should visit him and make amends. The poor fellow is in urgent need of an arse transplant else he will lose both legs. I would suggest you visit the hospital and hand the doctors Accy's donor card.
What a terrible mess you've made, but top marks for fessing up.
I think you should visit him and make amends. The poor fellow is in urgent need of an arse transplant else he will lose both legs. I would suggest you visit the hospital and hand the doctors Accy's donor card.
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Dear Drago,
It really restored my faith in human nature when that Dave came to visit it me and gave me a half-eaten box of crushed chocolates. At least I think it was chocolate.
When he went to go home, his Triumph Acclaim wouldn't start so I lent him my Granada Ghia. Unfortunately, I forgot to mention a brake pipe was leaking. He couldn't stop and drove out into the path of a patrol car at the end of the street. Obviously, they weren't pleased about this, and even less pleased when they breathalysed him and he has now been arrested and my car impounded.
The police are also asking me questions but I don't see why I am responsible. I did not force him to drink my bottle of Old Sea Dog rum, nor did I force him to drive my car. I'd also like my car back. How can I do this?
On another matter, that woman up the road is now complaining that her sundial doesn't work anymore. Do you have any idea who I could get to repair a sundial?
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
It really restored my faith in human nature when that Dave came to visit it me and gave me a half-eaten box of crushed chocolates. At least I think it was chocolate.
When he went to go home, his Triumph Acclaim wouldn't start so I lent him my Granada Ghia. Unfortunately, I forgot to mention a brake pipe was leaking. He couldn't stop and drove out into the path of a patrol car at the end of the street. Obviously, they weren't pleased about this, and even less pleased when they breathalysed him and he has now been arrested and my car impounded.
The police are also asking me questions but I don't see why I am responsible. I did not force him to drink my bottle of Old Sea Dog rum, nor did I force him to drive my car. I'd also like my car back. How can I do this?
On another matter, that woman up the road is now complaining that her sundial doesn't work anymore. Do you have any idea who I could get to repair a sundial?
Yours faithfully,
Aubrey
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