Uncle Drago's agony column

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
You will be surprised to know that I have a problem.
I had given up on that woman up the road as she is so fickle. Yesterday I decided to give one more chance so went to visit her.
At her suggestion we both stripped off. She went out of the room and came back with a cucumber and a jar of vasseline . I had no idea what for but she told me to "use my imagination".
So, here I am in A&E trying to explain why I have a cucumber up my jacksie.
The last I saw of that woman was her laughing.
Please advise me what I should do next
Regards
Mr Todger

 

[Drago]

Dear Squatter,

Here's what you should do - push for all you're worth before Dr Quentin Doninic-Crispian arrives with his crowbar and blow torch. It'd be much better if you could clear the, er, blockage yourself.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Squatter,

Here's what you should do - push for all you're worth before Dr Quentin Doninic-Crispian arrives with his crowbar and blow torch. It'd be much better if you could clear the, er, blockage yourself.

You are indeed a font of knowledge.
I have tried that but alas to no availe. I sadly await the crowbar.
However, my biggest concern is that the Aubrey person will be aware of my problems and take his chance to pounce on the opportunity with that woman.
What can I do to deny the bounder.
Yours
Mr Todger.

 

[Drago]

Dear Codger,

Sadly for you Aubrey is a kinky sort and likes the odd cucumber, aubergine or pineapple up the coal chute.

But you can remove him from the playing field for good by emptying the woman's vaseline containers and refilling them with tobasco sauce. Won't be long before he's dead or third degree I eternal burns with the added humiliation of being found found dead with half a salad poking out his ring.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Codger,

Sadly for you Aubrey is a kinky sort and likes the odd cucumber, aubergine or pineapple up the coal chute.

But you can remove him from the playing field for good by emptying the woman's vaseline containers and refilling them with tobacco sauce. Won't be long before he's dead or third degree I eternal burns with the added humiliation of being found found dead with half a salad poking out his ring.

Excellent advice as always.
As soon as the shops open tomorrow I will purchase some tobasco sauce and visit,hopefully before that Aubrey bounder gets there. I will keep you posted.
Yours
Mr Todger.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I am concerned how time that guy with the tweed and monocle in the Fiat cabriolet spends with that woman up the road.

I need to come up with a way of getting rid of him. Have you any ideas?

I also noticed that that Dave has been in and out too.

On another matter, I had bought new shoes and they had irritated my feet. When I was visiting that woman up the road a few days ago, I was using her bathroom. I spotted a jar of Vaseline. I decided to take the liberty of putting some on my feet to hopefully soothe the blisters. It looked a bit funny and stung as I put it on.

Now my feet have gone brown and absolutely stink to high heavens when I take my shoes off. The smell is embarrassing. Have you any idea how I could get rid of the horrible smell?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Aunty,

Two problems in one!

First, you need to scare the well dressed chap away. A shell suit and baseball cap should see him running for the hills, more so if its a blue shell suit and you pair it with brown Oxfords.

The second problem is the special "Vaseline" upon your plates. A good dunking in some kind of sour cream or natural yoghurt should neutralise the pungent aroma.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I'm a little concerned that my Fanta addiction is getting out of hand and causing side effects. My skin is going increasingly orange and my wife is complaining that it rubs off on the bed sheets. Do you think ten gallons a day is excessive?

I've also just taken delivery of a brand new Tesla but I can't work out how to use it. I can't find the choke?

What was wrong with a nice big V8 with a four barrel carb and three on a tree?

I've been told that you can buy ties and caps in colours other than red. Is this true?

Apart from that, I'm happy in my new job and I feel I am really good at it. My mate Vlad was telling me I'm doing a great job. Isn't that nice of him?

Yours faithfully,
D. Trump
Washington

 

[Drago]

Dear Grump,

Orange skin is good. It shows the world how healthy and tanned you are.

Teslas are indeed a joke. Originally envisaged as Scalextric cars for the Texas market, fools started using them on the road.

The old V8 muscle cars were great, and with all that Iraqi SUV juice the US acquired quite by accident in the hunt for Iraqi WMD you'd think they'd be more popular.

Real patriots who want to make your bank balance great again only wear red ties and baseball caps, red being the colour for 'danger' to cower your opponents when negotiating a deal.

Vlad is indeed a lovely fellow, and generous too. He tells me a box of PC Tips Chernobyl Premium Blend will be winging it's way to you just as soon as it stops glowing enough to pass through customs unnoticed.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Drago
I am afraid that you might have been misled by a plausible rogue pretending to look for help but having ulterior motives

I happen - by chance - to know a small amount of information about the above supposed seeker of advice

I know for a fact that this message contains untruths
e.g. his wife has not complained about his orange hue coming off on his sheets - because she has not had close contact - or indeed any contact - with his sheets for quite some time


I am worried that this disingenuous person might be trying to creep into your good favours

In fact I believe that he has designs on "that woman up the road" and is trying to "do the dirty" on the innocent people who rely on you sage and timely advise
and is using your helpful and educational thread do worm his way into your good books and then move in on his ultimate aim

I suggest that you investigate further and check this person's credentials as soon as possible - especially for the good of the lady involved - we can;t have "one of our own" being put at such risk

 

[Drago]

Dear A Biker Windmill,

At your urging I took it upon myself to investigate this orange person.

As soo as I've been released from this rather bijou cell here at Guantanamo I will report my findings.

On a positive note I can report that the woman up thenroad should be safe unless she's a porn star or an intern.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I decided to pop around and visit that woman up the road last night and a few very odd things happened.

As I turned into her street, an erratically driven Tesla almost crashed into my beloved Rapier. I didn't get a good look at the driver but he looked like an orange beach ball.

When I got to her house, I was worried that Dave might be there in his Reliant or that other dandy guy in the Fedora with the little Fiat, but they were nowhere to be seen.

However in her hallway, there was a bright red baseball cap hung up on the hatstand. I later discovered a red tie in her bedroom. I asked who it belonged to but she wouldn't say. There was also a hypodermic syringe in the bathroom that seemed to contain bleach. Who on earth would want to inject themselves with bleach?

The bedsheets were also covered in some sort of orange stuff. She had no explanation about it either. It all seems very strange.

I know that there was something on her mind as she seemed very distant and quiet and barely touched the tin of Tennent's that I had brought around to share with her. I always feel it is appropriate to really treat a lady to nice things after all.

I suggested a Sunday drive to the beach in the Rapier but she said it is quicker in a Tesla. I felt a little hurt by that. Doesn't she know I have 1725 cc of raw power
and an overdrive box?

What do you make of these strange developments?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Auberge,

That's not all. I subsequently heard there was a mysterious 25% tariff on all men visiting her maisonette, and boxes of top secret documents in her shed. Strange.

Even stranger is the button in her boudoir which, when pressed, summons a waiter with a diet coke.

you challenged her about these strange goings on but ll that came out wss an incomprehensible word salad.

But there is an upside. Apparently she's Making Merry Widows Great Again.

The best thing you can do is dose the Rapier up with Redex and hope the orange hue wipes off the seat vinyl.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Unkie Drags

I am always learning from the lovely antics of my cute dog. He introduces himself to other dogs in the normal manner, but in such a lovely way.

As such, I thought it would help my search for a partner, and have started trying to do exactly as Poopoo does with his lady friends when he introduces himself.

However, so far, I've been shouted at slapped, kicked and punched, and now the police have been round telling me to STOP!

What do you suggest?

Doggy Friend Fred.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Доброе утро
Sorry - hello - forgot where I was

That nice ebiker person has allowed me to use his account to send this message - what a nice man


I would like to offer my help in you difficult situation
Clearly people are worried about the "goings on" at the house of that lady down the road
I can offer help as I happen to accidentally come across some tapes which happen to contain some footage that has mysteriously ended up showing what has happened in the house when "that lady" had a certain visitor

I have no idea how our my cameras happened to get into the house - or why the drone malfunctioned and was in the area when he arrived in his new car

These things happen - once it even happened on a very remote island and Mr Epstein was quite annoyed when it interfered with his own ones


anyway - it turns out that we have some footage that may be of interest to you although the transport costs may be quite high but we can offer a free GAZ21-Volga as an incentive

I believe that nice Drago chappie knows the normal exchange procedure

BTW if you find any files on the device labelled "Little St James Island" please ignore them - there military grade top quality devices sometime don;t delete things very well

and if Drago is free we would be grateful (in the normal way) if he could take a second copy for personal delivery to keep our associate's files up to date
It will be labelled "Mel" and he knows the delivery system and requirements