Uncle Drago's agony column

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
You will be surprised to know that I have a problem.
I had given up on that woman up the road as she is so fickle. Yesterday I decided to give one more chance so went to visit her.
At her suggestion we both stripped off. She went out of the room and came back with a cucumber and a jar of vasseline . I had no idea what for but she told me to "use my imagination".
So, here I am in A&E trying to explain why I have a cucumber up my jacksie.
The last I saw of that woman was her laughing.
Please advise me what I should do next
Regards
Mr Todger

 

[Drago]

Dear Squatter,

Here's what you should do - push for all you're worth before Dr Quentin Doninic-Crispian arrives with his crowbar and blow torch. It'd be much better if you could clear the, er, blockage yourself.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Squatter,

Here's what you should do - push for all you're worth before Dr Quentin Doninic-Crispian arrives with his crowbar and blow torch. It'd be much better if you could clear the, er, blockage yourself.

You are indeed a font of knowledge.
I have tried that but alas to no availe. I sadly await the crowbar.
However, my biggest concern is that the Aubrey person will be aware of my problems and take his chance to pounce on the opportunity with that woman.
What can I do to deny the bounder.
Yours
Mr Todger.

 

[Drago]

Dear Codger,

Sadly for you Aubrey is a kinky sort and likes the odd cucumber, aubergine or pineapple up the coal chute.

But you can remove him from the playing field for good by emptying the woman's vaseline containers and refilling them with tobasco sauce. Won't be long before he's dead or third degree I eternal burns with the added humiliation of being found found dead with half a salad poking out his ring.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Codger,

Sadly for you Aubrey is a kinky sort and likes the odd cucumber, aubergine or pineapple up the coal chute.

But you can remove him from the playing field for good by emptying the woman's vaseline containers and refilling them with tobacco sauce. Won't be long before he's dead or third degree I eternal burns with the added humiliation of being found found dead with half a salad poking out his ring.

Excellent advice as always.
As soon as the shops open tomorrow I will purchase some tobasco sauce and visit,hopefully before that Aubrey bounder gets there. I will keep you posted.
Yours
Mr Todger.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I am concerned how time that guy with the tweed and monocle in the Fiat cabriolet spends with that woman up the road.

I need to come up with a way of getting rid of him. Have you any ideas?

I also noticed that that Dave has been in and out too.

On another matter, I had bought new shoes and they had irritated my feet. When I was visiting that woman up the road a few days ago, I was using her bathroom. I spotted a jar of Vaseline. I decided to take the liberty of putting some on my feet to hopefully soothe the blisters. It looked a bit funny and stung as I put it on.

Now my feet have gone brown and absolutely stink to high heavens when I take my shoes off. The smell is embarrassing. Have you any idea how I could get rid of the horrible smell?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Aunty,

Two problems in one!

First, you need to scare the well dressed chap away. A shell suit and baseball cap should see him running for the hills, more so if its a blue shell suit and you pair it with brown Oxfords.

The second problem is the special "Vaseline" upon your plates. A good dunking in some kind of sour cream or natural yoghurt should neutralise the pungent aroma.