Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Anally,

I'm afraid a a few coppers will need either bribing or blackmailing to get you out of thet pickle, the end method depending on your wealth and/or extensivsness of your polaroid collection

The sundial is trickier, but not beyond redemption. I'd suggest drilling a hole in the middle, a small one will do from what I'm hearing, and stick your nadger through it. Whenever she wants to know the time just think of Hattie Jacques and it'll be as accurate as a quartz clock.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

The issue with the police and the car resolved itself after I spotted the Chief Constable going into that woman up the road's house pay her in used tenners for her "companionship." I was able to capture this for posterity on the Box Brownie and the charges were all mysteriously dropped due to lack of evidence.

I tried to take your advice with the sundial. The biggest drill bit I could find in my toolbox was 1/2" so I used that and fired up the Black and Decker. Unfortunately, 1/2" wasn't big enough and I got stuck in the sundial and I ended up back in Casualty to get the sundial removed. They've now given me my own parking space and invited me to the staff dinner as I go there so often. It was so embarrassing having to explain yet another weird accident. What's worse is that the local paper wants to carry the story but I need to stop that.

I am still left with the problem of the broken sundial, which now has the added complication of having a hole in it.

I am now thinking that faint heart ne'er won fair maid and am considering inviting that woman up the road to come away with me for a long weekend? Can you suggest a suitably romantic destination?

Also, Dave still hasn't retrieved his Acclaim from outside my house and the neighbours are complaining? How can I get rid of it?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Auberge,

That's marvellous news about you catching the Chief Rotarian at it ad getting yourself off the hook.

1/2" should be a loose fit on your nadger if what Dirty Gertie from Number Thirty has been telling everyone. Perhaps you poked one of your Nuremburgs through there in error?

Try again, but this time poke a wire coat hanger through there and put it back outside on a stormy day.

I've heard that Croydon is a nice holiday destination. As the sun sets on those abandoned sofas of outstanding natural beauty you'll find the fair maid cuddling up to you and your Y fronts tightening.

As for the Triumph Acclaim, it's been there so long it's now Grade II listed. You'll have to apply for planning permission to get it moved.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Uncle Drago,

The issue with the police and the car resolved itself after I spotted the Chief Constable going into that woman up the road's house pay her in used tenners for her "companionship." I was able to capture this for posterity on the Box Brownie and the charges were all mysteriously dropped due to lack of evidence.

I tried to take your advice with the sundial. The biggest drill bit I could find in my toolbox was 1/2" so I used that and fired up the Black and Decker. Unfortunately, 1/2" wasn't big enough and I got stuck in the sundial and I ended up back in Casualty to get the sundial removed. They've now given me my own parking space and invited me to the staff dinner as I go there so often. It was so embarrassing having to explain yet another weird accident. What's worse is that the local paper wants to carry the story but I need to stop that.

I am still left with the problem of the broken sundial, which now has the added complication of having a hole in it.

I am now thinking that faint heart ne'er won fair maid and am considering inviting that woman up the road to come away with me for a long weekend? Can you suggest a suitably romantic destination?

Also, Dave still hasn't retrieved his Acclaim from outside my house and the neighbours are complaining? How can I get rid of it?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

Might I suggest that the woman-up-the-road might be impressed by a long weekend in Clacton-on-Sea - the Trumph Acclaim should be welcome there.

I believe that boat trips are an attraction there - although getting back onshore might be a problem

 

[Drago]

Clacton-on-Sea? He didn't say anything about her being posh bird!

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Drago.
Sometimes you just can't please people.
I decided on a course of action so first of all I went to visit that woman up the road. I even wore my best thong.
I walked in using the key she gave me but she just blanked me and continued counting a great wad of tenners.
So next I took your advice and went to the hospital to help that guy with the sundial wedged up his Jacksy. I hear about the problems of removing it so I had a great idea. I took a lump hammer thinking I would hammer it right in, turn it around and Bobs your auntie.
Anyway, I walked into his private room, showed him the lump hammer and explained my plan.
Well, he turned a funny shade of green and gave a loud scream.
I panicked and did a runner. I decided to throw the lump hammer over a wall. Good idea right! Now how was I to know there was a Bobby on the other side of the wall.
So...... here I am at the police station facing serious charges.
In your wisdom, what do suggest my defence should be?
Can I get my lump hammer back?
How can I win back that woman up the road?
Should I try again to help the guy with the sun dial?
Regards
Mr Todger.

 

[Drago]

Dear Bodger,

Thats a lot of questions. At 50 quid a time I'll be doing well.

1. Claim to be demonstrating for Just Stop Coal. They never get heavy sentences, so you'll almost certainly get away with a slapped wrist.

2. You might get it back once it's been removed from the poor bobbies head.

3. I the thong didn't impres her she must be a hard woman. Perhaps a saucy strip tease will get her motor running?

4. Definitely. Use tobasco sauce as a lubricant and a large scaffold pole to get the necessary leverage.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

As the usual way of getting rid of a problem listed structure is to have it accidentally catch fire, I gave one of the local teenagers 27 pence to torch it.

I worry I paid him too much but at least he did a great job. Unfortunately, the fire spread to next door's Rhododendron bush which scorched and cracked their collection of garden gnomes. They seem to think I should pay for the damage. I think this is outrageous.

The council arrived to tow the remains of the Triumph away but there is someone with a placard who has glued himself to it. He is apparently starting a campaign to preserve to preserve it. How on earth do I get rid of him.

Now the good news. I am about to collect that woman up the road to go spend a few nights in Croydon. I have made up some meat paste and tomato sauce sandwiches for a picnic, and have a tin of Tennent's to share. With a packet of Galaxy Minstrels to share, it will be a picnic to remember. Do you think she will be impressed?

The only problem is that she insisted on separate rooms in the B&B. What would you recommend as a suitable excuse for going into her room in the middle of the night?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Aunty,

I'm sorry to hear that you scorched your neighbours bush. Nothing worse than a naked bush.

These protesters are annoying. Perhaps you should tell the Feds that he from just Stop Coal and is planning to throw soup over a portrait of Cherie Blair? That'll see him sent to prison for a few years.

I don't have any Minstrels, but on my way into town later I'll pop a tasty bar of Ex Lax chocolate through your letter box.

The separate rooms issue is easy to over come. Simply pretend you're a complimentary gigolo sent courtesy of the manager and you'll be having your end away before you know it.

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Drago, font of all knowledge.
You will surprised to know I am in somewhat of a pickle. Please allow me to explain.
I went to visit that woman up the road. She was not home but her neighbour told me she had been bribed into going away with some sex mad pervy guy.
Somewhat deflated I decided to go and pick up my beautiful triumph stag.
When I got there all that I found scorch marks on the road, a used condom and a kilo of heroine.
Anyway I pocketed the heroine (after checking it's quality) then decided, blow it I will steal borrow a bike to get home.
1st one I saw was a trike. The owner was on it so I pushed her off and made my getaway.
Now, how was I supposed to know she was only 5 years old and that her parents were watching.
So here I am, in the nick, charged with theft, causing mental trauma to a minor and possessing a kilo of high grade heroine.
Please advise what defence I can offer. Also, how can I find out where my beautiful car is now.
Regards
Mr Todger.

 

[Drago]

Dear Bodger,

You, in a pickle? Surely not?!

You've done it this time. That wasn't a "her" on the bike - those lustrous long locks belong to Mad Dog @raleighnut , the local hard nut. Local lore has it he is so hard that he once chopped his leg off at work digging a grave but insisted on finishing his shift and even ducked in to the Goat and Vasectomy for a few pints before finally going to hossy. The last person to cross him ended up feeding the pigs at a farm outside Potters Bar. And I don't mean they were serving the meal - they were the meal.

Mad Dog is renowned for his youthful looks, bathing as he does in a bath of Watneys every evening.

His Dad, Big Bad Slasher Skullcrusher McRaleighnut is a very bad sort indeed. If you've pinched Mad Dogs three wheeler you've signed your death warrant.

It's a good thing you're in the clink because the big house is the safest place for you with those loons on your case. If by some miracle you get bail then I've never met you,don't know who you are, stop contacting me.

 

[raleighnut]

Dear Bodger,

You, in a pickle? Surely not?!

You've done it this time. That wasn't a "her" on the bike - those lustrous long locks belong to Mad Dog @raleighnut , the local hard nut. Local lore has it he is so hard that he once chopped his leg off at work digging a grave but insisted on finishing his shift and even ducked in to the Goat and Vasectomy for a few pints before finally going to hossy. The last person to cross him ended up feeding the pigs at a farm outside Potters Bar. And I don't mean they were serving the meal - they were the meal.

Mad Dog is renowned for his youthful looks, bathing as he does in a bath of Watneys every evening.

His Dad, Big Bad Slasher Skullcrusher McRaleighnut is a very bad sort indeed. If you've pinched Mad Dogs three wheeler you've signed your death warrant.

It's a good thing you're in the clink because the big house is the safest place for you with those loons on your case. If by some miracle you get bail then I've never met you,don't know who you are, stop contacting me.

You've blown my cover as a peaceful hippie, I'd be very wary of coming through Leicester as I'll set my 6 feline associates on you, they'll lick you within an inch of your life whilst purring loudly to drown out your screams.

 

[Drago]

I'm sorry Mr Mad Dog, it was Bkdger made me do it!

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I am pleased I took this little break away from burning Triumphs and bushes to a more relaxed environment to get to know that woman up the road a bit better.

We had a lovely dinner and I decided to be brave and steal a kiss. Unfortunately, as I reached across the table, my tie dangled in the candle and caught fire which was a little embarrassing.

Afterwards, I took her to see a Robson and Jerome tribute act last night as I wanted to impress her with my amazing appreciation of good music. We retreated to a quiet bar afterwards and I bought us a bottle of Buckfast on ice and challenged her to a game of darts.

The barman is still trying to retrieve one of his darts from the lampshade and wasn't very happy about it. Some people get so easily annoyed.

To lighten the mood and add some humour when escorting her back to the hotel, I did my Benny Hill impressions.

The only things that concerned me was that she kept getting these weird text messages from someone called Dave during the evening. I also discovered she carries a signed photo of Stephen Hendry in her hand bag. As a lifelong fan of Jimmy White, I find this a bit concerning? Would you consider it a red flag?

Everything was going so well and I was invited to her room. As things got interesting, I realized I had left the condoms in my suitcase so nipped across the landing to get them.

When I went out to the landing, I got confused as there were so many doors. I accidentally opened the wrong door and ended up in the broom cupboard. Unfortunately, the door banged behind me and I couldn't get out. I tried knocking but nobody heard me.

It was cold spending the night in the broom cupboard with no clothes on but I must have eventually fallen asleep. I was awoken by a loud screaming noise.

The cleaner had come in to start work and found me naked in her cupboard.

Now I have been arrested for exposing myself to the cleaner and that woman up the road is upset because I disappeared and didn't come back last night.

How do I get out of this mess?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear August,

Condoms? You'd need a full CBRN suit with her!

Tell the Bow Street Runners you are chief naturist of the National No Clothes Dangly We Don't Need To See That Society and was merely checking out the premises with a view to booking the venue for a conference when you became disoriented and ended up locked in what you thought was the conference room.

Andnif that doesn't work give them Accy's name and address and do a bunk when they bail you to court.