Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

It would be awfully nice if you would give me your opinion on something that prays on my mind.

I feel my manager and my commanding officer does not respect me. It is almost as if he has a chip on his shoulder just because I went to a better school than him. He is rather pompous and arrogant, and seems to think he's superior to me and has had to work harder in life. I feel he also disapproves of my friendship with Mrs. Pike and the fact that I do a few favours for her most nights.

I'd also like your opinion on my son nephew who is rather a bit immature and a bit of a big girl's blouse. How can I help him toughen up a bit?

Yours faithfully,
Sgt. A. Wilson,
C/O Mrs. Pike,
Warmington-on-sea

 

[Drago]

Dear Nelson,

Nothing worse than having some oik of a commoner throwing their weight around. Probably best to give the impudent fellow a good whipping.

Your nephew is sadly a lost cause. Best you can hope is that he doesn't end up working for Philip Schofield as a stage hand.

Oh, say hi to Mrs Pike from me.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Nelson,

Nothing worse than having some oik of a commoner throwing their weight around. Probably best to give the impudent fellow a good whipping.

Your nephew is sadly a lost cause. Best you can hope is that he doesn't end up working for Philip Schofield as a stage hand.

Oh, say hi to Mrs Pike from me.

She says she hopes you found the bone for Bruce in the fridge on your van last night

 

[Drago]

She says she hopes you found the bone for Bruce in the fridge on your van last night

Quite apt, as Mrs Pike used to enjoy finding my bone herself.

 

[slow horse]

Dear Drago,

I'm thinking about getting a monkey to put in the spare room with a typewriter to see what he comes up with. (Can only afford one, and god knows what trouble he'd get up to with a computer.) My question is: are you actually a monkey, yourself? No offence if it's a sore point. I have seen pictures of you, but you know how good filters can be these days.

Yours in primate solidarity

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I have been beaten by an insane, big orange blob with a wig.

How can I ever hold my head up again in public after this embarrassing outcome?

Yours faithfully,
Ms. K. Harris

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I'm thinking about getting a monkey to put in the spare room with a typewriter to see what he comes up with. (Can only afford one, and god knows what trouble he'd get up to with a computer.) My question is: are you actually a monkey, yourself? No offence if it's a sore point. I have seen pictures of you, but you know how good filters can be these days.

Yours in primate solidarity

Dear Morse,

I'm a missing link between man and monkey, a close genetic relative of a football fan.

Dear Drago,

I have been beaten by an insane, big orange blob with a wig.

How can I ever hold my head up again in public after this embarrassing outcome?

Yours faithfully,
Ms. K. Harris

Dear Kevin,

It's not your fault, it's your doddery old Uncle Joe that ruined it. If he didn't fart at the dinner table, tell those OJ Simpson jokes, and call everyone garbage you'd get a lot more respect from your peers down at rhe typing pool.