Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

It would be awfully nice if you would give me your opinion on something that prays on my mind.

I feel my manager and my commanding officer does not respect me. It is almost as if he has a chip on his shoulder just because I went to a better school than him. He is rather pompous and arrogant, and seems to think he's superior to me and has had to work harder in life. I feel he also disapproves of my friendship with Mrs. Pike and the fact that I do a few favours for her most nights.

I'd also like your opinion on my son nephew who is rather a bit immature and a bit of a big girl's blouse. How can I help him toughen up a bit?

Yours faithfully,
Sgt. A. Wilson,
C/O Mrs. Pike,
Warmington-on-sea

 

[Drago]

Dear Nelson,

Nothing worse than having some oik of a commoner throwing their weight around. Probably best to give the impudent fellow a good whipping.

Your nephew is sadly a lost cause. Best you can hope is that he doesn't end up working for Philip Schofield as a stage hand.

Oh, say hi to Mrs Pike from me.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Nelson,

Nothing worse than having some oik of a commoner throwing their weight around. Probably best to give the impudent fellow a good whipping.

Your nephew is sadly a lost cause. Best you can hope is that he doesn't end up working for Philip Schofield as a stage hand.

Oh, say hi to Mrs Pike from me.

She says she hopes you found the bone for Bruce in the fridge on your van last night

 

[Drago]

She says she hopes you found the bone for Bruce in the fridge on your van last night

Quite apt, as Mrs Pike used to enjoy finding my bone herself.

 

[slow horse]

Dear Drago,

I'm thinking about getting a monkey to put in the spare room with a typewriter to see what he comes up with. (Can only afford one, and god knows what trouble he'd get up to with a computer.) My question is: are you actually a monkey, yourself? No offence if it's a sore point. I have seen pictures of you, but you know how good filters can be these days.

Yours in primate solidarity

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I have been beaten by an insane, big orange blob with a wig.

How can I ever hold my head up again in public after this embarrassing outcome?

Yours faithfully,
Ms. K. Harris

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I'm thinking about getting a monkey to put in the spare room with a typewriter to see what he comes up with. (Can only afford one, and god knows what trouble he'd get up to with a computer.) My question is: are you actually a monkey, yourself? No offence if it's a sore point. I have seen pictures of you, but you know how good filters can be these days.

Yours in primate solidarity

Dear Morse,

I'm a missing link between man and monkey, a close genetic relative of a football fan.

Dear Drago,

I have been beaten by an insane, big orange blob with a wig.

How can I ever hold my head up again in public after this embarrassing outcome?

Yours faithfully,
Ms. K. Harris

Dear Kevin,

It's not your fault, it's your doddery old Uncle Joe that ruined it. If he didn't fart at the dinner table, tell those OJ Simpson jokes, and call everyone garbage you'd get a lot more respect from your peers down at rhe typing pool.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

There's a lot of talk of cutbacks within Royal Mail and the closure of post offices.

As a working postman, I am very concerned about the future of my career. I have a black and white cat to feed and look after so I can't afford to be made redundant.

What do you think I could do to safeguard my job?

Or should I consider a career change? What new career would you recommend?

Yours faithfully,
Pat
Greendale

 

[lazybloke]

Tantric sex, my arse.

Afraid i'm too busy loading the dishwasher

 

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

There's a lot of talk of cutbacks within Royal Mail and the closure of post offices.

As a working postman, I am very concerned about the future of my career. I have a black and white cat to feed and look after so I can't afford to be made redundant.

What do you think I could do to safeguard my job?

Or should I consider a career change? What new career would you recommend?

Yours faithfully,
Pat
Greendale

Dear Pam,

I wouldn't worry too much. You'll soon be either in prison or spending the rest of your life giving evidence to an enquiry. Either way, you'll be busy.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Drago
I was told by a friend person I have heard of- who might or might not live in Warrington - that you may be able to help me out

I sometimes look at another site on the WWW where people can ask question and give answers
you can also send messages

someone - who goes by the name of "Mistress Linda Scott" has sent me 2 messages
One says Hello Handsome
and the other says it would be nice to talk to me

SO this raises a few questions, one of which Dave this person thinks you may be able to help with

Firstly - how does she know how handsome I am - there are no pictures of me on the WWW ?
Secondly - given that she (presumably??) has been at the University of Texas since 1994 - how does she know me - especially as she lives in Australia

and finally - and this is why Dave this person thinks you may be able to help
when her picture says "BDSM 24/7" and her bio also says "Studied Lifestyle BDSM at High Heels" - what does all this mean??


and also - should I tell my wife about my new friend??

 

[Drago]

Dear Biker Windows,

Firstly, she knows how handsome you are as she's seen your picture on the Bash Street Kids.

Secondly, they like to take their time in Texas. Why rush in the Lords own country? And everyone knows Australia is a small county in SW Rexas.

Finally, I believe BDSM is a driving school. Perhaps this particular instructor uses an MX5?

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Biker Windows,

Firstly, she knows how handsome you are as she's seen your picture on the Bash Street Kids.

Secondly, they like to take their time in Texas. Why rush in the Lords own country? And everyone knows Australia is a small county in SW Rexas.

Finally, I believe BDSM is a driving school. Perhaps this particular instructor uses an MX5?

my current car use CVT and the previous one was VVTI - is this similar??

 

[Paulus]

Dear Auntie Drerie,
There is a lot of advertising for a programme about a holiday destination in the jungle. I don't know any of the guests who are on this all inclusive holiday, is it worth putting my name down as since 18-30 holidays went bust I'm missing out on a lot of action?
Yours,
Petulant teenager.

 

[Drago]

my current car use CVT and the previous one was VVTI - is this similar??

They're exactly the same thing, although the 'i' denotes the presence of a manual advance and retard lever.

Dear Auntie Drerie,
There is a lot of advertising for a programme about a holiday destination in the jungle. I don't know any of the guests who are on this all inclusive holiday, is it worth putting my name down as since 18-30 holidays went bust I'm missing out on a lot of action?
Yours,
Petulant teenager.

Dear Petula,

Are you a has been or a never was? Do you have a large chest that will be barely contained by the tight vests provided to contestants? Are you f*****g annoying?

If the answer to all these questions is "yes" then go for it.