Uncle Drago's agony column

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I know that Sting practises tantric sex with his wife Trudie. Do you think he also practises the Kaballah? I ask because I have been reading the lyrics of Walking on the Moon, and I cannot read any meaning into them.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Wensleydale,

I have looked at the pictures you sent me. Not good at all. Why you had to be naked when pulling a muscle pose is beyond me,

Anyway, your winky is already miniscule and steroids will likely serve only to make it disappear entirely. Cosmetic surgery, preferably by a builder or qualified welder, is all that will save you.

Good idea Uncle Drago.

I could then ask the builder or welder to help me lift the Shot Putt back into the packaging to return to Amazon, as my neighbour who helped me carry it in from the lawn in the first place, still hasn't recovered from the groin strain.

Oh, by the way, could you recommend an appropriate ointment for me to order, to help with my neighbour's groin strain?

Weedy McRubitin Boy

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Drago.
Can you believe it, I am in trouble yet again and I am innocent.
After my last episode with the prawn cocktail and cucumber I decided to try again with her up the road.
So..... I arranged for her to come then went to the shop for a fresh cucumber.
Being smart and determined to avoid the same mistake I decided that, while preparing the prawn cocktail I would keep the cucumber in a safe place. So I stuck it down the front of my thong. It didn't seem important that some 6" of it was sticking out.
Anyway, when the doorbell rang I, innocently, opened the door only to find the woman next door. She took one look and fainted into the road causing a passing bus to swerve into the supermarket totally demolishing it.
So...... Here I am at the police station.
My solicitor listened then did a runner.

Do you have any sage advice for me.
Regards
Mr Todger.

 

[Drago]

Dear Dodger,

6 inches sticking out?

A handy tip - the cucumber is the green one, your badger the pink one with the purple veins.

Unless you have the clap, in which case they'll look must the same.

That is clearly thr case here. I'd suggest that when the officer conducts the interview you whip out your old chap and wave it in her face so she can see that it was clearly a case of mistaken identity. While doing so you should shout, "nosh down on this!" in the loudest voice you can to be sure she understands. I predict you'll be a free man by tea time,

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I know that Sting practises tantric sex with his wife Trudie. Do you think he also practises the Kaballah? I ask because I have been reading the lyrics of Walking on the Moon, and I cannot read any meaning into them.

Tantric sex, my arse.

He quotes a few lines from The Terminator, hums and "aaaahhhhhsss" a bit, then pounds away for all he's worth for 5 seconds until it's over.

And that's before the missus gets home and slaps him when her dinner isn't on the table.

 

[DRM]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Many years ago I wrote a cheerful little ditty, that I love still to sing, even to this day, however there is one line in it that now has me more than a little worried, it goes like this
“I lay traps for troubadours who get killed before they reach Bombay”
do you think I accidentally referenced the Star of Bombay, in town, or the Bombay Spice down the High Street, as I really fancy a tasty curry, but don’t want to go to the wrong Bombay and come a cropper.
Yours Hungrily
Mr M Jagger
London

 

[Drago]

Dear Mary,

I do think that cough medicine you took prior to writing that choon may have come from a bad batch...

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I run a high class hotel in Torquay where we pride ourselves on our friendly and courteous service to our customers.

Unfortunately, for some weird reason, people keep leaving us bad scores on Trip Advisor. I have no idea why our guests leave such poor reviews as we treat them so well and make them feel at home wherever possible. Naturally, things go wrong occasionally but we can't be held responsible for serving out of date kippers, guests dying in thr rooms or the chef getting drunk. What can I do to improve the reviews and to attract a more suitable calibre of guest?

Of course, our cause isn't helped by my dragon-like wife and our idiotic Spanish waiter.

On another matter, my Austin 1300 keeps stalling and cutting out. What do you think might be wrong with it?

Yours faithfully,
Mr. B. Fawlty,
Torquay

 

[Drago]

Dear Benny,

Sorry to hear about your Austin 1300 cutting out.

The problem with it is thus - it's an Austin 1300.

 

[tyred]

Dear Benny,

Sorry to hear about your Austin 1300 cutting out.

The problem with it is thus - it's an Austin 1300.

Dear Drago,

In my latest attempt to get my Austin to behave, I've tried battering it with a big stick but it still didn't start. I've run out of ideas on how to fix it now.

Do you think I should part exchange it for one of those lovely Morris Marinas? Would it be more reliable?

Yours faithfully,
B. Fawlty

 

[Drago]

Dear Brian,

Oh, indeed. The new Marina is a wondrous device. It's beyond a shadow of a doubt that future generations will look upon the Marina with with reverence, awe and affection.

You can't go wrong, unlike that unreliable, short-lived imported Volvo rubbish.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Brian,

Oh, indeed. The new Marina is a wondrous device. It's beyond a shadow of a doubt that future generations will look upon the Marina with with reverence, awe and affection.

You can't go wrong, unlike that unreliable, short-lived imported Volvo rubbish.

If he is in doubt he could try for one of those lovely Austin Allegros???

If he is feeling flush then he could go for the Vanden Plas version - posher than a Bentley according to some people!!!

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I have been sending love letters to the object of my affection for many years but she has never replied.

I can't stand it any longer. How do I declare my unrequited love for Nicola Sturgeon and win her heart?

How can I impress her. Should I comb my hair or get a suit that fits?

Yours faithfully,
Boris J.

 

[Gunk]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I have been sending love letters to the object of my affection for many years but she has never replied.

I can't stand it any longer. How do I declare my unrequited love for Nicola Sturgeon and win her heart?

How can I impress her. Should I comb my hair or get a suit that fits?

Yours faithfully,
Boris J.

I hear she is partial to a motorhome

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I have been sending love letters to the object of my affection for many years but she has never replied.

I can't stand it any longer. How do I declare my unrequited love for Nicola Sturgeon and win her heart?

How can I impress her. Should I comb my hair or get a suit that fits?

Yours faithfully,
Boris J.

Dear Boring,

Ram a motorhome full of cash, make up, and paper bags with eye holes cut out, and dump it on her mother in laws driveway. I guaranteed that as soon as you do she'll be demanding a referendum on your winky within seconds.

Won't be long before you're catching an unfinished ferry off on your honeymoon.