Uncle Drago's agony column

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago

I gave a letter to the postman, I saw him put it in the mailsack, but early the very next morning he brought my letter back. She'd wrote upon it "return to sender, address unknown, no such person, no such zone". We'd had a quarrel, a lover's spat. I've tried to write I'm sorry but my letters keep on coming back.

Could she be seeing the postman as no postal service is that fast. I'm convinced she's writing return to sender, then handing it straight to the postman to return the next day. What say you to me writing one last time and dropping it in her hand. And should it come back the very next day then I'll understand, and know my gut feelings are right?

Yours
Vexed Writer

 

[Drago]

Dear Waxed Biker,

Drop  what in her hand?

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

Now that I have more time in my hands as the election campaign is over, I've been writing my story of fighting an election campaign but I'm having trouble finding a publisher. Have you any ideas?

I've also got a new job writing a column for The Peoples' Friend. I'm unsure what topics I could write about, but am worried about upsetting my readership. What topics do you think would go down well with The Peoples' Friend readership profile?

I also decided to have one more crack at the woman up the road. I washed an polished my Granada Ghia. I took dressing advice from Mr. Accy and put on my best tweeds and polished up my Oxford brogues until I could see my face in them. I purchased a big 250g box of Nestle Dairy Box and a I got a lovely bouquet of flowers that I found lying in the Church yard and started to drive up to her house.

Unfortunately things started to go wrong when I came up behind a slurry tanker that leaked slurry all over my sparkling Granada Ghia. Then I made a bit of a dramatic entry when I crashed into her fence. She came running out to see what the noise was just as I was getting out of the car.

Unfortunately, I tripped in the seat belt and fell into a muddy patch on the lawn which made a nice mess of my tweeds. When I got up, I realised I had fell on the flowers and chocolates so all I could present her with was a bunch of stalks and flat chocolates.

She did invite me in though do I thought I was on to a good thing. Then she dropped the bombshell that she was considering going for a ride with Dave in his plane, which is of course much more glamorous than a my Granada covered in cowshit and beached up on top of a fence post.

I was so shocked, that I dropped my tea into my lap and scalded my private parts. As I sit here in casualty awaiting to be seen and trying to think up an excuse for having a burned member, do you think I have blown my chances with the woman up the road? What can I do to redeem myself and appear a more attractive proposition than that Dave?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Augustus,

Only you could fall in a pile of manure and end up smelling of sheet.

I'd suggest you give it up. The more you chase dirty gertie from number 30 the more it all goes wrong for you.

Thar being the case I'd suggest you sit back and let love come to you. Your new neighbour, that nice clean cut chap, what's his name? Ah, yes, Philip Schofield. He looks a bit of a ladies man and if you play your cards right as the chick's come flocking to your door you may well be in line for some of his offs.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago

Help!

P McCartney
Scouseland.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Uncle Drago

I need Somebody

P McCartney
Scouseland.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Officer Drago

Sending out an SOS .....

The Police

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago

I need Somebody

P McCartney
Scouseland.

Not just anybody?

Dear Officer Drago

Sending out an SOS .....

The Police

Ten thousand years have passed since you wrote that note, officer.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Auntie Eleanor Rigby-Drago

HELP!!!

Macca
Still in Scouseland

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago

Why?

Yours
T. Jones

 

[Drago]

Dear Tim Smith,

Domestic violence isn't something you should be glorifying in song.

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Drago.
You are a font of knowledge but I fear that my query may be even beyond you.
I may have mentioned a certain woman up the road. Well I decided to invite her to my place for a meal.
No expense spared so prawn cocktail to start.
Was just about to slice the cucumber but decided to have a quick shower. Came down naked and picked up the cucumber BUT forgot my feet were wet. Long story short...... I slipped and landed on the cucumber which is now firmly stuck up my Jacksie (half in/half out).
TBH it is quite pleasant.
So, my question is........
What can I use in my prawn cocktail instead of cucumber??
Yours
Mr Todger

 

[Drago]

Dear Mavis,

Just like the time you were hoovering naked and fell down the stairs onto the cucumber standing vertically in your hallway, or when you were in then shower and fell out the window and landed on that greased up cucumber coming had left embedded vertically in your flower bed?

I'm not sure A&E will belive you any more.

A good cocktail contains genuine tail of c**k so perhaps kidnap the neighbours rooster and insert its rear end into your beverage?

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

My heartbeat used to skip when my baby kissed me.

Now it's raining in my heart as my beloved Peggy Sue has left me, and I feel blue.

How do I get over this? I was thinking of taking a little trip on a plane to take my mind of things. Do you think that is a good idea?

Yours faithfully,
Mr. B. Holly.

 

[Drago]

Dear Molly,

You're in luck. Drunken Asswipe Airways have a flight leaving in 10 minutes if you don't mind sharing. Should arrive dead on time.