Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Durrrm,

I advise caution.

The vehicle you see and the occupant within could be the elusive Chris Rea, time travelling megastar. As a fan he could have selected you to join him on his travels, a sort of fat middle aged non PC non ehtnoc minority Doctor Who companion.

Or it could be a dishevelled Philip Schofield received by your youthful good looks and Bay City Rollers T shirt, so a degree of circumspection is required.

 

[tyred]

Dear uncle Drago,

I own the ultimate driving machine in the form of a twenty year old BMW 316i but I increasingly find driving a chore. I don't get the same enjoyment from it as I used to.

I find people just get in my way and restrict my progress. Don't they realise that I own the roads? Just the other day some peasant in a Kia Soul dared to use my overtaking lane of the motorway and made me slow down to about 70. How dare they hog my road with a slow-moving lesser car. I almost dropped my phone in disgust which made me spill my gin.

Then there are these people in tight clothing that ride these funny two-wheeler contraptions on my road and expect me to slow down. Surely that should be illegal. They cause all the accidents in my opinion.

There are also these red light things where people keep stopping and impeding my progress. Don't they know that red lights don't apply to me.

Finally, one other question. There is this stalk thing behind my steering wheel that puts on flashing amber lights on my car. You know, like the flashing lights I can use to signal I'm parking on double yellow lines, but only one side at a time. What is it for? I can find no reference to it in the owners' manual.

Thank you,
Concerned BMW driver.

 

[Drago]

Dear loon,

Things are moving on. If you want access to the photocopier salesman walanker lane in 2024 you need an Audi.

That thing by the steering wheel activates the straight person dating device, so you ought to use it if you want to avoid any further attention from hairy truckers when you stop for lunch in a lay by.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I sprained and injured my eyebrow muscles and now my face is all swollen and red.

What treatment would you recommend for this and how could I prevent a re-occurrence?

Yours faithfully,
Roger Moore

 

[Drago]

Dear Pearce,

Sorry to hear that you have been shaken rather than stirred. A sprained eyebrow is no laughing matter.

I would suggest perhaps a faceful of Miss Moneypenny's warm compress will assist. It won't help your recovery one bit, but itll take your mind off things.

 

[tyred]

Dear uncle Drago,

For 24 years, I have lived next door to Alice. I've waited for 24 years to get a second chance and tell her how I loved her.

Now I believe she is leaving as I've just seen her load a few suitcases into the boot of some trendy guy's Austin Allegro Vanden Plas.

Now, I've just watched the Vanden Plas pull out of Alice's drive.

How do I get used to not living next door to Alice?

Yours faithfully,
Nicky C.

 

[DRM]

Dear uncle Drago,

For 24 years, I have lived next door to Alice. I've waited for 24 years to get a second chance and tell her how I loved her.

Now I believe she is leaving as I've just seen her load a few suitcases into the boot of some trendy guy's Austin Allegro Vanden Plas.

Now, I've just watched the Vanden Plas pull out of Alice's drive.

How do I get used to not living next door to Alice?

Yours faithfully,
Nicky C.

 

[Drago]

Dear uncle Drago,

For 24 years, I have lived next door to Alice. I've waited for 24 years to get a second chance and tell her how I loved her.

Now I believe she is leaving as I've just seen her load a few suitcases into the boot of some trendy guy's Austin Allegro Vanden Plas.

Now, I've just watched the Vanden Plas pull out of Alice's drive.

How do I get used to not living next door to Alice?

Yours faithfully,
Nicky C.

Dear Ricky,

Fear not. Alice Cooper has only gone on tour. He'll be back in then spring.

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Drago.
A little advice would not go amiss here.
I went to visit her up the road once again.
I told her straight........
I am leaving on a jet plane.
I do not know when I'll be back again.
But babe I hate to go.

I then told her.........
My bags are packed and I'm ready to go.

Unfortunately all I had was a plastic Tesco bag.

I like to think there was a tear in her eye as she said " well wat you watin for, clear off".

My question is, what do I do now ?

 

[Drago]

Dear Mavis,

Another fine mess!

I suggest you get drunk, crash the car, have your pilots licence technically revoked, then find a home made experimental light aircraft with little fuel aboard and a reserve tap out of reach of the pilot, then take a long flight over water. That'll give you something to occupy your mind.