Uncle Drago's agony column

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Do you know where I can get some Hai Karate aftershave? I am trying to get off with Tanya from accounts. I have already tried Old Spice, Brut and Lynx. I did not have much hope in Brut to be honest. Tanya is not into football or boxing. I was disappointed with Lynx. I did not notice any Lynx effect and I put on a whole bottle.

 

[Drago]

Dear Blue Wang,

Alas, itmis no longer available. However, it is possible to faithfully duplicate the original production process at home. Simply piss in an unclean white spirit bottle and you're sorted.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I spent all afternoon at the hospital getting my fingers stitched on again after I lost them at work. I work in my Uncle's shop and his till has a rather vicious spring and it took my fingers off when I was giving Mrs. Featherstone her change.

Of course my Uncle had no sympathy whatsoever and gave out to me for getting bloodstains on a fiver. He has also stopped me half a day's wages to cover the time I spent at the hospital.

Do you think I can claim compensation for this workplace injury? I think my uncle knows the till is dangerous but has refused to replace it. Does this count as negligence?

On another matter, is having my fingers stitched and bandaged up likely to damage my chances of having it away with the milk woman? What could I do to make myself more desirable in her eyes?

Yours faithfully,
Granville

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Dragster

As we're having some work done at home, we have one of those green portaloos in the garden for the workmen to use.

However, and I know you're going to find this hard to believe, Chris Rea has taken up residence in it, saying it's only for a short while, until the tsunami of publicity being generated about him on some cycle porn site, dies down. He thinks this will be when someone, finally, starts a new "Should cyclists be made to wear helnets" thread.

Anyhow, whilst it is a little awkward for the workmen to have to answer the call of nature over a slumbering Geordie warbler, at least he is safe from further press intrusion.

Unfortunately, I understand though, that a person on that very same cycling porn site, who, and again, you're not going to believe this either, uses your very own name (Oh the cheek), has taken to posting a picture of Chris peeking out of our Portaloo on every post that he/she scandouly makes!

This could alert the actual press, or even worse, the tabloids, or even worse, the rags, or even worse still, the Daily Heil, to his whereabouts.

What do you think can be done about this?

Worried of West Zummerzet

 

[Drago]

Dear Grundig Girl,

A two pronged problem.

First, I'd suggest you wrap yourself in tinfoil (you already wear a tinfoil hat so have a head start) and hide in the microwave, as when Chris Rea leaves the radiation from the Auberge Field is deadly. Fortunately the builders have other staff they can replace the dead workmen with.

And my doppelganger. Thanks for the heads up. This forum isn't big enough for two handsome, witty and understanding labour voters. Thus the intruder needs identifying and a good horse whipping administered by Gemma from Find It Fix It Flog It to teach him a lesson.

 

[Paulus]

Dear Uncle Ducko,
I seem unable to give the addiction to real ale and blues music the heave ho.
I find when going to gigs in sweaty clubs the two seem mutually to gang up on me and then I have trouble finding my way past the lovely women who also frequent said clubs, but always want me to get my wallet out.
What is the solution?
yours, Hard of hearing.

 

[Drago]

Dear Pauline,

Why would anyone want to kick an addiction to blues music and real ale? Only a mad man, or possibly Philip Schofield, would consider such a thing.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

And my doppelganger. Thanks for the heads up. This forum isn't big enough for two handsome, witty and understanding labour voters. Thus the intruder needs identifying and a good horse whipping administered by Gemma from Find It Fix It Flog It to teach him a lesson.

Will people who wish to confess to being the intruder please form an orderly queue outside Goodison Park Stadium (after all - it's not used for much else of any interest!!)

we are hoping there will be enough seating for the whole queue as long as everyone shares

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago,
Do you know where I can get some Hai Karate aftershave? I am trying to get off with Tanya from accounts. I have already tried Old Spice, Brut and Lynx. I did not have much hope in Brut to be honest. Tanya is not into football or boxing. I was disappointed with Lynx. I did not notice any Lynx effect and I put on a whole bottle.

Dear Yellow Fang

Don't believe what Aunt Drago is saying about the perfume of your choice being no longer available. It would seem he's wanting to corner the market for himself. Both Boots and Sainsburys stock the perfume your heart desires, at £9.40 a bottle.

 

[Drago]

It must be noted that Lance O'Classicmis a major shareholder in Boots and CEO of Sainsbury's.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am a tree surgeon by trade, but that is very heavy work, and I am not sure I will be up to it for much longer. I was thinking of moving into topiary, trimming of hedges into shapes and such like. I have always been fascinated in it. However, I need a bit more practice. You know what can happen. You trim a bit too much off one side, and then you have to trim off more on the other side to compensate. Before you know it, all you have left is a long, vertical strip. Do you know who I could approach to get some practice? It's not as if you can knock on someone's door and say, 'Excuse me madame, I notice your Buxus Sempervirens has overgrown. Do you mind if I trim it into an owl?'

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am a tree surgeon by trade, but that is very heavy work, and I am not sure I will be up to it for much longer. I was thinking of moving into topiary, trimming of hedges into shapes and such like. I have always been fascinated in it. However, I need a bit more practice. You know what can happen. You trim a bit too much off one side, and then you have to trim off more on the other side to compensate. Before you know it, all you have left is a long, vertical strip. Do you know who I could approach to get some practice? It's not as if you can knock on someone's door and say, 'Excuse me madame, I notice your Buxus Sempervirens has overgrown. Do you mind if I trim it into an owl?'

You would have to be careful what you say

I mean - if someone had a hedge in the shape of a cat but it was looking a bit scruffy then saying
"excuse me Madam can I trim your


err

better stop there before I get shouted at

 

[Dogtrousers]

This is a serious problem. 2 x pairs of non matching socks = 4 x of odd socks.

Socks are expensive, and you don't want to waste money on new ones. I'd recommend either going sockless and wearing candles, or having one foot removed.

For much of my life I wore only black socks. This eliminates the need for pair matching. Every year or two when they began to wear out I'd buy another large shipment of black socks.

Then about 5 years ago someone bought me some jokey socks with bikes on for Christmas. It was the thin end of the wedge and I seem to have drifted into becoming what I always held in contempt: a sock matcher.

On the other hand, I still maintain my policy of white shirts for work. Never in my life have I worn a coloured or striped shirt to work, and I never will. During my career standards have changed from mandatory suit & tie to informal via dress down Fridays. I have remained steadfast in adhering to my white shirt rule. Even on working from home days with no meetings, I wear a white shirt.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am a tree surgeon by trade, but that is very heavy work, and I am not sure I will be up to it for much longer. I was thinking of moving into topiary, trimming of hedges into shapes and such like. I have always been fascinated in it. However, I need a bit more practice. You know what can happen. You trim a bit too much off one side, and then you have to trim off more on the other side to compensate. Before you know it, all you have left is a long, vertical strip. Do you know who I could approach to get some practice? It's not as if you can knock on someone's door and say, 'Excuse me madame, I notice your Buxus Sempervirens has overgrown. Do you mind if I trim it into an owl?'

Dear Black Death,

You can't beat a nicely trimmed bush.

There's no substitute for practice. Simply get your tool out and get ploughing.

For much of my life I wore only black socks. This eliminates the need for pair matching. Every year or two when they began to wear out I'd buy another large shipment of black socks.

Then about 5 years ago someone bought me some jokey socks with bikes on for Christmas. It was the thin end of the wedge and I seem to have drifted into becoming what I always held in contempt: a sock matcher.

On the other hand, I still maintain my policy of white shirts for work. Never in my life have I worn a coloured or striped shirt to work, and I never will. During my career standards have changed from mandatory suit & tie to informal via dress down Fridays. I have remained steadfast in adhering to my white shirt rule. Even on working from home days with no meetings, I wear a white shirt.

Dear Cats Y fronts,

That's fine, as long as you follow the three cardinal rules;

A tie must be worn whenever a suit is donned.

No brown shoes with blue trousers.

No lacy ladies studded codpieces.

 

[DRM]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I was recently out when a Mk1 Ford Transit, suddenly appeared, it stopped, and the driver, who had a very strong Teesside/Middlesbrough accent, asked me do you want to see the future, come with me, I was very worried as my mum says you should never go with strangers, and this was always backed up by a TV ad featuring a boy called Tony and his Cat, named Charley, did I do the right thing, this man said it’s interesting and will be an adventure.
Yours Worried of West Yorkshire