True Facts About Chris Rea

[Dogtrousers]

Chris Rea invented the garden gnome.

All of his many employees and advisors are Gnomes, at least to Chris. When in company with Chris, the "real" employee has to represent the nominated gnome, who is also present. For instance a meeting with his accountant may go as follows:

Chris: Mr Grumble, how do the recent budget announcements affect my tax liability?
Accountant: Hold on a moment, I'll ask him. (Accountant holds his ear to the gnome's mouth momentarily)
Accountant: Mr Grumble says that the changes in Corporation Tax mean that you should shift emphasis ...

It's the same for all of his employees and advisors, and any deviation from protocol will result in dismissal by the gnome in question ("Mr Grumble says you're fired. I'm sorry, it's out of my hands"). This is tolerated because Chris is a very understanding and generous employer and treats his gnomes and their assistants very well.

 

[lazybloke]

Chris Rea's business success is at least partly due to horrendous exploitation of his gnome workforce.

He developed his business plan largely from reading "The Elves and the Shoemaker"; his bible of business acumen.

Those are just two reasons why Chris Rea won't appear alongside Peter Jones as a dragon anytime soon.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea's seasonal hit, Driving Home for Christmas, was originally called Driving Over Gnomes for Christmas.

Sadly the gnomes were by then unionised and threatened to sue.

 

[lazybloke]

The friendships between Chris Rea, Roald Dahl, J.R.R Tolkien and H.G. Wells transcend the normal barriers of time (and plausibility), but commonalities between Gnomes, Oompa Loompas, Hobbits and Moorlocks can't be ignored.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea is infact a dwarf, but during one ill judged jaunt though the space-time continuum in the TURDIS she was spaghettified by a stray gravity field.

 

[stephec]

Chris Rea is so vain that he regularly travels the underground and peers over people's shoulders at their phones to see how popular this thread is.

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea is currently negotiating with Shaun to buy CycleChat so he can close it down.

However, Shaun drives a hard bargain and Rea isn't sure he wants to go as high as a fiver.

 

[PeteXXX]

Chris Rea was the voice of the Mysterons...

 

[PeteXXX]

 

[Dogtrousers]

Legend has it that if ever the people of Middlesborough are in mortal danger, Chris Rea will appear at the head of an army of garden gnomes to save them.

 

[DRM]

August 22nd to 23rd 1914, The Turdis appeared over Mons in Belgium, Chris Rea was researching the early stages of WW1, after appearing over the Germans, the auberge field backfired and Chris stumbled hit the light switch, illuminating the area with his B&Q LED security lights fitted to the top of the Turdis, then fell out of the door held by his harness & lanyard, but managing to stand at the edge of the door, waving his arms, this also caused several thousand medieval arrows to fall out that he had picked up from an earlier visit to Agincourt, however the arrows killed thousands of German Troops, who were cowering below what they thought was an Angel shouting some sort of indecipherable English, the English Troops believed they had been saved by an Angel accompanied by hordes of English longbow men from the battle of Agincourt, the story still persists to today, luckily Chris was able to get back into the Turdis and reset the controls whilst mayhem and confusion were in full swing

 

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea has never jumped a red light when riding his bicycle.

He will slip up one day, given all this time travel he does, then he will be ina dickens of a mess!

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea waw visited by the ghost of Christmas Past, so Rea slapped him in the knackers and stole his Rolex.

 

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea is a gastronome, as illustrated by his constant failure to get on BBC'S Masterchef, he sorely craves a Paul Hollywood handshake.
It was a false report by the ' Stun' newspaper, it wasn't Freddie Starr who ate the Hamster, it was Rea, he had it griddled on a charcoal barbecue, served with crunchy croutons and Remoulade..
Chris is quite partial to Rodents, he eats Bats too....that's where Ozzie got the idea to bite a bats head off....
Crazy diets these musicians have....

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea and the weather-altering Auberge Field of the TURDIS are responsible for the great drought of 1976.