True Facts About Chris Rea

[Drago]

Chris Rea's TURDIS was used by Mick Jagger to place a Mars Bar in a certain spot...

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Due to a fault with the Turdis, Chris brought a lot of water back from when he was visiting the Hoover dam being constructed . He’s been releasing the excess these past few days.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Chris landed his portaloo in a field outside Barnet, just north of London. Due to another fault with the Turdis a thick fog developed. The rest is history.

In the early morning of Easter Sunday 14 April 1471, the usual nervous energy of two armies awaiting a battle was heightened by the thick fog that clung to the fields around them. Just outside Barnet, a dozen or so miles north of London, King Edward IV arranged his men to face off against his former closest ally, his first cousin, Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick, remembered now as the Kingmaker.

 

[raleighnut]

Chris Rea's TURDIS was used by Mick Jagger to place a Mars Bar in a certain spot...

Yep on the coffee table.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Covering up for Chris yet again.

 

[grldtnr]

Covering up for Chris yet again.

View attachment 747106

Err! Seems someone got covered, by not our anti - hero Rea.

 

[grldtnr]

Err! Seems someone got covered, by not our anti - hero Rea.

I believe what happened Chris left the fan running to cool the Auberge field , by mistake, when the pedal controls are stuck down the u- bend of the seat. They are difficult to control...... Then what happened ,the shoot hit the fan literally......
Seems to me it's idiotic to keep running this outdated BL/ Austin Rover TURDIS, he ought to look at getting a more modern Jap engineered one, all modern semi- conductors ,instead of valves and capacitors, all controlled by a big knob.....and we know who i mean.

 

[DRM]

31st January 1953, the Turdis materialised over the North Sea, it then backfired with the largest Auberge field explosion to date which caused devastating floods over The Netherlands, Western Belgium, and all along the East Coast of the UK from Scotland down to Essex, this is one time trip that Chris doesn’t like to talk about

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea and the malfunctioning Auberge fieldmof the TURDIS is rhe reason much of the Netherlands is below sea level,

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea today returned back from another disappointing and disastrous trip in the Turdis, he deliberately went back 111 years to September 29th 1913 in order to “Have a word” with Rudolf Diesel after his 2016 Citroen C4 Picasso failed it’s MOT due to a faulty DPF, Add-Blue system errors, and poor exhaust emissions, the car cost a fortune to rectify and Chris was fuming, as the Turdis appeared over the Steamship Dresden, the Turdis coughed and blew Rudolf Diesel overboard, where sadly he drowned, and was discovered by a Belgian Sailor on another vessel, it’s long been debated wether or not Rudolf Diesel was murdered or had jumped, but the real truth will never be believed, what we do know is Diesel’s work to make a cleaner exhaust, was set back by many decades.

 

[Drago]

The history and music buff that he is, Chris Rea went back to 1976 to watch an Elton John live show.

To avoid the crowds Chris Rea left just before the end and as the TURDIS cloaked itself and flew low across the stage towards the exit the unregulated Auberge Field burned Reg Dwight's hair to a crisp.

Since that fateful day Elton has had to wear a wig.

 

[DRM]

This isn’t Elton John’s first run in with the Turdis, in 1972, it appeared over Chateau D’Herouville, France which housed the studio where Elton and Bernie Taupin were working on the album Honky Chateau, they’d just settled down to dinner after a hard days writing and recording, when a loud bang and bright flash, broke windows, wine bottles, glasses of wine and vases full of flowers that Elton had requested, Elton was recorded as saying “What the bloody hell was that“ Whilst Bernie got up with his hair and eyebrows singed and clothing blackened, just saying “Oh wow a rocket man” the following day a massive hit song was written and recorded

 

[grldtnr]

This isn’t Elton John’s first run in with the Turdis, in 1972, it appeared over Chateau D’Herouville, France which housed the studio where Elton and Bernie Taupin were working on the album Honky Chateau, they’d just settled down to dinner after a hard days writing and recording, when a loud bang and bright flash, broke windows, wine bottles, glasses of wine and vases full of flowers that Elton had requested, Elton was recorded as saying “What the bloody hell was that“ Whilst Bernie got up with his hair and eyebrows singed and clothing blackened, just saying “Oh wow a rocket man” the following day a massive hit song was written and recorded

Something ought to be done with Rea and his TURDIS, does he have a pilots' licence to fly it?
Seems to me if he did a CBT test he'd fail it big time, its in the highway code that due consideration should be given to other road users, but this is time traveling.
Even the Doctor ,Who I can't recall wotsists name, has the occasional mishap, but Rea seems to balls up all the time

 

[grldtnr]

Out for an afternoon walk today, just passing Halfrauds, there was a familiar looking blue portaloo in the carpark, out dashed this bearded disheveled bloke with a beard,with white trainers on, he had an armfull of carnauba car wax in his arms.......he must be an ardent old car fan I thought.
Anyway he booted the door of the portaloo open, barged in, I could see it was bigger inside than it looked outside........then it clicked, it was Chris Rea blagging car wax for the TURDIS !

Now everyone knows you can't polish a TURDIS.... but seems Chris is going to try.

 

[Drago]

One unforseen effect of the TURDIS Auberge Field is that it causes rubber to degrade.

During one visit by Chris Rea to Freddie Mercury's house for a game of backgammon, all the condoms in the house were structurally weakened. This ultimately led to Mercury's untimely death.