True Facts About Chris Rea

[DRM]

Out for an afternoon walk today, just passing Halfrauds, there was a familiar looking blue portaloo in the carpark, out dashed this bearded disheveled bloke with a beard,with white trainers on, he had an armfull of carnauba car wax in his arms.......he must be an ardent old car fan I thought.
Anyway he booted the door of the portaloo open, barged in, I could see it was bigger inside than it looked outside........then it clicked, it was Chris Rea blagging car wax for the TURDIS !

Now everyone knows you can't polish a TURDIS.... but seems Chris is going to try.

The wax is for his latest project, a time travelling 1967 Ford Transit, he managed to out blag a full refurbishment from Car SOS, which has royally p****d off Tim Shaw who has been seen to be amateurish in the blagging stakes, the carnuba wax makes the paint gleam, and a thick layer protects it from the sparks of appearing in various places in time, the Transit body is perfect for containing the electrical gubbins that work the time travel, at the moment the Transit can only go forward by a couple of seconds, but Chris has great fun taunting traffic wardens, he parks on double yellows, then hits the go button just as they lean forward to ticket his van, reappearing close by convulsed in laughter at the parking attendant rolling round on the floor, ticket in hand, this project has been one reason the Turdis still bangs and sparks as it has consumed much of his time in the secret workshop building the Transits time travel circuits

 

[grldtnr]

The wax is for his latest project, a time travelling 1967 Ford Transit, he managed to out blag a full refurbishment from Car SOS, which has royally p****d off Tim Shaw who has been seen to be amateurish in the blagging stakes, the carnuba wax makes the paint gleam, and a thick layer protects it from the sparks of appearing in various places in time, the Transit body is perfect for containing the electrical gubbins that work the time travel, at the moment the Transit can only go forward by a couple of seconds, but Chris has great fun taunting traffic wardens, he parks on double yellows, then hits the go button just as they lean forward to ticket his van, reappearing close by convulsed in laughter at the parking attendant rolling round on the floor, ticket in hand, this project has been one reason the Turdis still bangs and sparks as it has consumed much of his time in the secret workshop building the Transits time travel circuits

The inner workings of Reas' mind is puzzling, I suppose constant repeated time travel within a short time period addles the thought processes, a bit like an overactive hyped Border collie wanting to play ball, it presents the ball, then just as you go to pick it up, snatches it away again, well the knew was like that, i just ignored it, it just sit there staring at it, just as amused!
Daft bugger !

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea was the first person to unicycle through the channel tunnel.

 

[lazybloke]

There was no dynasty of Pharaohs in ancient Egypt.
Rea has left his Turdis to the Middlesbrough branch of Co-op Funeral Directors, with instructions that his body be lain to rest in a desolate and completely empty part of Egypt.
By the time you read this, pyramid burials will have been all the rage in Egypt.

 

[DRM]

OMG 92 pages & 1,371 posts of nonesense, surely Chris has now ruined the T'interweb

 

[Drago]

Anyone wanting a true fact about Chris Rea will be forever thwarted. Even the great man himself isn't sure what's real any more.

 

[grldtnr]

I don't want to seem to be a blasphemer, ....but is Chris Rea real even?

 

[DRM]

For those wondering, if Chris gets the Time Transit working, he’s hoping to have a full fleet of them, delivering parcels, the end goal being that as far as the end user is concerned your parcel is delivered the moment you click on buy now, and eventually out Amazon, Amazon and make Santa up his game

 

[Drago]

OPEC paid Chris Rea £100,000,000 for the secret of the TURDIS U bend water powered reactor and immediately buried the patents and burned the blueprints.

 

[lazybloke]

I don't want to seem to be a blasphemer, ....but is Chris Rea real even?

Thanks to some biological quirks and some mindboggling meddling in time with the TURDIS, Chris Rea's parents were Chis Rea and Chris Rea. The story is told in the documentary movie Predestination.
He's banned his children from joining 23andme.

 

[grldtnr]

OPEC paid Chris Rea £100,000,000 for the secret of the TURDIS U bend water powered reactor and immediately buried the patents and burned the blueprints.

Did he flush it down the TURDIS?
Then larf like Dr. Evil, with a finger to his lips, I can see Accy cyclist, poised ready over his computer ,ready to register his dislike, little knowing Dr. Evil is his doppelganger,

 

[Drago]

Chris Rea will tonight be using the imax screen in the TURDIS to mourn Kristofferson's passing by watching Convoy.

 

[grldtnr]

Did he flush it down the TURDIS?
Then larf like Dr. Evil, with a finger to his lips, I can see Accy cyclist, poised ready over his computer ,ready to register his dislike, little knowing Dr. Evil is his doppelganger,

There is a precedent here, Dr. Evil has a time machine, just like Rea, except his is more reliable.

And Austin Powers, just like Accy Cyclist has a fine interest in clothes, they are both Dandy peacocks, but I can't say Accy is as Shagadelic.... 'yeah ,Baby Yeah !

 

[grldtnr]

Chris Rea was the first person to unicycle through the channel tunnel.

No one but Chris Rea ,can bunny hop a unicycle, but on the return trip he bunny hopped along the ceiling !!!!!!!!
I want whatever he eats for breakfast, and it isn't Weetabix !

 

[DRM]

Chris Rea's Time Transit has recently become better at time travel after a bit more fettling, he got it to go back to 26th November 1983, he materialised in the grounds of the Heathrow International Trading Estate, just as he landed a gang of masked men threw some cardboard boxes in the back, this startled Chris who having no idea what was going on hit the emergency homing button, after arriving back to his secret workshop he found the boxes were full of gold ingots, and further internet research shows he had appeared in the middle of the Brinks Mat Robbery, much of the gold was never recovered, Police believing it had been either melted down and mixed with scrap gold and turned into jewellery, or buried, we now know the truth, funnily enough Rea Jewellers is very highly regarded on Etsy for the quality of it's gold Jewellery.