Confession Booth

[ComedyPilot]

My 2010/2011 winter "fixed" project is still sitting on top of a bench in my workshop and hasn't been touched in 10 months.

Neither has mine.

Jesus lord above, this is a confession booth, not some namby-pamby sympathy-seeking, attention-deprived forum.


Next

 

[ComedyPilot]

Watch out CP...the person who rode DCL's donated 'Lethal Impact' will be with you soon, looking bewildered and bitter.

Archie, customer service is at the next window, and Citizen's Advice is over the road.

I am here to clense people's souls or all negativity. Someone's impulse buy on Ebay and sudden cooling off is not for me to comment on.

 

[Archie_tect]

My son hath revelled in his father's house, and doth call his name in vain from the throne of enlightenment with cries of 'toilet paper... quick'. Help me decide the righteous path to follow.

 

[ComedyPilot]

Oh learned is he, who embarks upon the throne of enlightenment with bountiful supplies of swaddling and rectal wipes. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost bog roll. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and stain the boxer shorts of others. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my Andrex upon thee.

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[TVC]

I have had impure thoughts about Laura Tobin.

 

[derrick]

I over slept this morning after a night on the piss, and missed the bike ride.

 

[Spinney]

I have been slothful and timid of foul weather, and have not been out on my bike this year. I have succumbed to many tempations of the chocolate and alcoholic varieties, although thus far my clothing has not begun to shrink.

 

[ComedyPilot]

I have had impure thoughts about Laura Tobin.

Man cannot live on wine alone, and you should often and with much fever, worship at the altar of love.

Hark though, should the object of one's love be a sorceress, and a temptress of the gods, for she is an abomination sent to lull you out to sea with promises of high pressure and light winds. Once adrift, you will be subjected to ferocious storms of an unimaginative power, that you will succumb to wet undergarments.

God alone will decide what the weather is going to do, and some little girl, in a Top Shop dress, sling backs and too much make-up will nay be a predictor thereof.

OK?

 

[ComedyPilot]

I over slept this morning after a night on the piss, and missed the bike ride.

Our father who art in heaven - tell us this day what sands have paseth thru thine hourglass?

...............

11 hours of silica have runneth in the AM. It is still the morn, my son. Begone and rejoice in the joys of a well lubed Campag, for the noon is nigh; the heretics, and worshippers of satan will verily soon fill the roads with their vile chariots before swarming to the out-of-town retail parks.

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[ComedyPilot]

I have been slothful and timid of foul weather, and have not been out on my bike this year. I have succumbed to many tempations of the chocolate and alcoholic varieties, although thus far my clothing has not begun to shrink.

Daughter, thy tickerfactory indicator has aleady been assessed, and your mileage found to be lacking, nay, non-existant. Go forth and swaddle thy self in tight bandages. Ease thy buttocks onto the seat of learning (Brooks), and feel the burn in thine thighs and the fire in thine lungs. Go forth and rejoice, and spread the word to non-believers, that true salvation can only be found in the big ring.

Amen bro, amen.

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Edited out of MASSIVE embarrassment

 

[Spinney]

Son, thy tickerfactory indicator has aleady been assessed, and your mileage found to be lacking, nay, non-existant. Go forth and swaddle thy self in tight bandages. Ease thy buttocks onto the seat of learning (Brooks), and feel the burn in thine thighs and the fire in thine lungs. Go forth and rejoice, and spread the word to non-believers, that true salvation can only be found in the big ring.

Amen bro, amen.

Next

I hear and obey, father (especially as that strange, glowing ball in the sky hath made a rare appearance in these bedrizzled northern skies). But is the sex-change part of your admonition truly necessary? And are lyrca shorts sufficently tight for swaddling?

 

[ComedyPilot]

I hear and obey, father (especially as that strange, glowing ball in the sky hath made a rare appearance in these bedrizzled northern skies). But is the sex-change part of your admonition truly necessary? And are lyrca shorts sufficently tight for swaddling?

"Praise be, Mr and Mrs Spinney had produced a boy............"

[whisper - the baby doesn't have a winkie]

"Praise be, a boy without a winkie......"

[then someone told me a boy without a winkie is a girl, and everyone was so disappointed]

I suppose I should have spotted that at your christening, any chance I can check again - just to be sure?

 

[numbnuts]

I did use my mirror before I reversed out and you were also reversing at the same time, that's why we hit – not too sure when the court case is, but she's suing me for £1344

 

[Archie_tect]

... dids't thou whip lash her with thy tongue?

 

[BigonaBianchi]

I confess to sending wiggle my reciept for durano tyres I got from high on bikes when wiggle refused to price match