Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Cyclist33
Guest
- Location
- Warrington
I really like the last one!
morrisman
Guru
Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby decide to have a quiz, and split into two teams. Fred is the quizmaster.
Velma and Daphne are in one team, Shaggy and Scooby in the other.
Fred said 'Okay, Daph and Velma, Can you name one of the 'Big 5' African animals?'
Scooby said 'Rhino!'
Fred replied 'I know you do, Scooby, but wait your turn.'
Velma and Daphne are in one team, Shaggy and Scooby in the other.
Fred said 'Okay, Daph and Velma, Can you name one of the 'Big 5' African animals?'
Scooby said 'Rhino!'
Fred replied 'I know you do, Scooby, but wait your turn.'
Arjimlad
Tights of Cydonia
- Location
- South Glos
The hieroglyphs have been translated, they read "Yummy Mummy"
Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night..
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night..
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
It took 65 pages but finally the answer to the thread title is Yes.
A cowboy arrived at the Pearly Gates ,
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit ? " asked St Peter .
"Well , I can think of one thing " , the man offered,
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming , I came upon a gang of Hell's Angels
bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone , but they
wouldn't listen. So,....I approached the largest and most tattooed biker , smacked him in the mouth,
kicked his bike over and also ripped out his nose-ring and threw it on the ground . I yelled at all
of them, " Now , back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you ! " .
St Peter was somewhat impressed and asked , "When did this take place ?" .
" Couple of minutes ago " came the reply .
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit ? " asked St Peter .
"Well , I can think of one thing " , the man offered,
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming , I came upon a gang of Hell's Angels
bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone , but they
wouldn't listen. So,....I approached the largest and most tattooed biker , smacked him in the mouth,
kicked his bike over and also ripped out his nose-ring and threw it on the ground . I yelled at all
of them, " Now , back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you ! " .
St Peter was somewhat impressed and asked , "When did this take place ?" .
" Couple of minutes ago " came the reply .
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for it and
calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week!
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for it and
calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week!
Freds Dad
Veteran
- Location
- Gawsworth.
I play triangle in a reggae band - I just stand at the back and ting.
My mother gave me a copy of the Kama-sutra on my birthday.
This put me in an awkward position.
A snooty English couple, touring Wales, are sat in a cafe in Cefn y Dyniewyd.
One of them asks the waitress "Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?"
The waitress leans over and says "Burrr......gurrr.....King'.
This put me in an awkward position.
A snooty English couple, touring Wales, are sat in a cafe in Cefn y Dyniewyd.
One of them asks the waitress "Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?"
The waitress leans over and says "Burrr......gurrr.....King'.
Had a power cut this morning, so no PC, Laptop, iPhone, DVD, it is raining, so I can't take the bike for a ride.
Oh well I thought I will get a Coffee, dash , no power for the Jug.
So I went out & sat with the Wife & talked to her for a few hours.
She seems to be a very nice person.
Oh well I thought I will get a Coffee, dash , no power for the Jug.
So I went out & sat with the Wife & talked to her for a few hours.
She seems to be a very nice person.
Paddy's Irish Railway Company Complaint
The following is purported to be an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company (Iarnród Éireann). I guess it could equally have been sent by a British commuter.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter and indeed I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours feckin' truly,
Patrick Finnegan
The following is purported to be an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company (Iarnród Éireann). I guess it could equally have been sent by a British commuter.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter and indeed I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours feckin' truly,
Patrick Finnegan
