Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
My wife left me for being vain and self-centered. Oh well, her loss.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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There was once a tribe of natives who lived on the plains, and because of the lack of any real building materials used to build their homes from the only material available - grass.
Stone of any decent quality was worshipped and made into seats for the head of the household and his sons to sit upon, these thrones were usually on the first floor so the head could watch his land and workers.
Unfortunately as the houses became taller and the thrones more elaborate, there were a number of deaths as the thrones fell through the first floor killing the people below
The moral being:
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones
Stone of any decent quality was worshipped and made into seats for the head of the household and his sons to sit upon, these thrones were usually on the first floor so the head could watch his land and workers.
Unfortunately as the houses became taller and the thrones more elaborate, there were a number of deaths as the thrones fell through the first floor killing the people below
The moral being:
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones
morrisman
Guru
FTFY
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, those who don't and those who know this joke is in Base 3.
machew
Veteran
FTFY
There are 10 kinds of people, 1 group who understand hexadecimal notation, and F the rest.
glenn forger
Guest
We live in an unjust world, Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer and everyone's "Ohhh, sexy!, I do it and I get banned from Homebase, it's one law for them etc.
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in
Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her
car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car
again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."
I didn't see it coming either
Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her
car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car
again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."
I didn't see it coming either
Ray died in a fire and his body was badly burned.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.
Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned, you better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, that ain't Ray
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Ray
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Paddy said, 'Well, Ray had two peanuts.'
'What?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
There's Ray with them two peanuts.'
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.
Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned, you better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, that ain't Ray
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Ray
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Paddy said, 'Well, Ray had two peanuts.'
'What?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
There's Ray with them two peanuts.'
Here are 20 comments that you shouldn't be saying until next Xmas.
"THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT XMAS... AND GET AWAY WITH IT"
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
"THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT XMAS... AND GET AWAY WITH IT"
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
Maverick Goose
A jumped up pantry boy, who never knew his place
- Location
- A champagne supernova in the sky
Why did they evacuate Sunderland during the floods?
Because there was a toonami coming
Because there was a toonami coming
Melonfish
Evil Genius in training.
- Location
- Warrington, UK
These terrible fish jokes appeared in a friends newsfeed on facebook.
ok, i wrote several.
what did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
"Dam."
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says:
"do you know how to drive this thing?"
why did sean connery give his pet goldfish a bow tie?
because he thought it made it look sofishticated.
which fish can travel up the river at almost 100mph?
A motorpike and sidecarp.
i went to the fish doctor the other day to get a mole checked, he suggested i go see the plastic sturgeon.
what do you call a lazy crafish?
a slobster
how do you stop a fish from smelling?
cut off his nose.
have you heard about the new sauna that serves food?
their specialty is steamed mussels.
give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day.
teach a man to fish and you'll get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Did you know noah also built a submarine for all the fish?
it was a multi storey carp ark.
i'll get me coat...
ok, i wrote several.
what did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
"Dam."
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says:
"do you know how to drive this thing?"
why did sean connery give his pet goldfish a bow tie?
because he thought it made it look sofishticated.
which fish can travel up the river at almost 100mph?
A motorpike and sidecarp.
i went to the fish doctor the other day to get a mole checked, he suggested i go see the plastic sturgeon.
what do you call a lazy crafish?
a slobster
how do you stop a fish from smelling?
cut off his nose.
have you heard about the new sauna that serves food?
their specialty is steamed mussels.
give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day.
teach a man to fish and you'll get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Did you know noah also built a submarine for all the fish?
it was a multi storey carp ark.
i'll get me coat...
ikdo01
Veteran
- Location
- Europe (mostly)
From my son who loved your fish jokes.
Why was the herring scared?
Because it came face to face with a macruel.
Why did the Christmas tree feel ill?
It had tinsilitus.
IGMC
Why was the herring scared?
Because it came face to face with a macruel.
Why did the Christmas tree feel ill?
It had tinsilitus.
IGMC
Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says:
"Looks like he's still bloody celebrating!!!
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says:
"Looks like he's still bloody celebrating!!!
