subaqua
What’s the point
- Location
- Leytonstone
I am thankful to the Scots for my job, without two of them fighting over a Ha'penny, copper wire would never have been discovered/invented
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Maverick Goose
A jumped up pantry boy, who never knew his place
- Location
- A champagne supernova in the sky
Why did Heston Blumenthal cross the road?
To collect some roadkill....
To collect some roadkill....
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you pay for the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you pay for the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks, his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.'
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
The Dad replied:
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks, his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.'
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're going to love the Dad's reply:
The Dad replied:
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
I took my grandson out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters.....he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the ****** pram.
Got him a Fosters.....he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the ****** pram.
TwickenhamCyclist
Guest
"There's a vicious rumor going around that copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen fighting over a penny."
Billy Connolly
Chromatic
Legendary Member
- Location
- Gloucestershire
It was a ha'penny in post 1316 yesterday, still that's inflation for you I suppose.
Last edited:
David Garside
Well-Known Member
- Location
- Andover. Hampshire.
Just went into the local chemist and asked for some Germaloids....the assistant said "they're over there on the bottom shelf"......
morrisman
Guru
He lost his case, the tribunal decided there were fair grounds for dismissal.
threebikesmcginty
Corn Fed Hick...
- Location
- ...on the slake
1970s Puffin Joke Book?
How can you tell if an elephant's been in the fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
Fnaar
Smutmaster General
- Location
- Thumberland
How do elephants hide?
They paint their b*ll*cks red and hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Tarzan eating cherries.
They paint their b*ll*cks red and hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Tarzan eating cherries.
Melonfish
Evil Genius in training.
- Location
- Warrington, UK
why do elephants wear green bowler hats?
so they can sneak across pool tables unobserved...
my brother's a plastic surgeon, i asked if he was pioneering any techniques.
he said "occasionally i do raise a few eyebrows"
