Chromatic
Legendary Member
- Location
- Gloucestershire
Whoosh!
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Whoosh!
That was so bad I sent it all the people I dont like.
I have pinched this off FB .
A bloke knocked at the door last week Do you need any decorating jobs doing. I have been laid off from my job as a flight controller at Leeds and Bradford Airport. I told him he could decorate the staircase. He did a great job on the landing.
I'll get my coat.
.
A bloke knocked at the door last week Do you need any decorating jobs doing. I have been laid off from my job as a flight controller at Leeds and Bradford Airport. I told him he could decorate the staircase. He did a great job on the landing.
I'll get my coat.
.
Salty seadog
Space Cadet...(3rd Class...)
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
Thieves in Coventry are stealing the wheels off police cars for a laugh.
The police are working tirelessly to try and catch them.
The police are working tirelessly to try and catch them.
raleighnut
Legendary Member
- Location
- One of the 'Elite'
This is actually true.I have pinched this off FB .
A bloke knocked at the door last week Do you need any decorating jobs doing. I have been laid off from my job as a flight controller at Leeds and Bradford Airport. I told him he could decorate the staircase. He did a great job on the landing.
I'll get my coat.
When I worked in a SAAB main dealer in the late 70s one of our customers was a Gynaecologist (actually one of the top blokes in the country) the service manager came back from delivering his car back to him and said Mr N.......... was decorating his hallway when he was there "so" we all said, "He was doing it through the letterbox".
EDIT the tale is true although I doubt Mr N............ was actually doing his own decorating.
betty swollocks
large member
Some years ago MrsD had a smear test etc.This is actually true.
When I worked in a SAAB main dealer in the late 70s one of our customers was a Gynaecologist (actually one of the top blokes in the country) the service manager came back from delivering his car back to him and said Mr N.......... was decorating his hallway when he was there "so" we all said, "He was doing it through the letterbox".
EDIT the tale is true although I doubt Mr N............ was actually doing his own decorating.
A week later we were enjoying a pub meal when MrsDs face dropped as the Gynae' who did the test sat at the next table.
She said "this is so awful, I don't know where to look".
I said "just keep your legs closed and he won't recognise you".
She nearly collapsed laughing
- Location
- Next door to Mr Benn at No 54
I have pinched this off FB .
A bloke knocked at the door last week Do you need any decorating jobs doing. I have been laid off from my job as a flight controller at Leeds and Bradford Airport. I told him he could decorate the staircase. He did a great job on the landing.
I'll get my coat.
Did he wear an apron?
Sounds like his new career could soon be taking off.
TAKE THE TIME TO READ THIS AND EVERYTHING WILL BECOME CLEAR
As we enter the next 3 weeks of lockdown here is a summary of the advice:
**NOW it all makes sense ** 😂😂
1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house
2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not
3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open
4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work
5. You should not go to the Drs or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there
6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable people. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster
7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not
8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out
9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some
10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects
11. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11)
13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms , be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...
14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have to hand as it's better not to go out shopping
15. It's important to get fresh air .Don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down, don’t eat your picnic
16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication
17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out
18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including Pizza...
19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver
20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours... six hours... I mean days, not hours... But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic
22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores to be education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am
23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am
24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of… the people who die of corona who aren’t counted won’t be counted
25. You should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected
26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music.
27. No business will go under due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will have already gone under.
As we enter the next 3 weeks of lockdown here is a summary of the advice:
**NOW it all makes sense ** 😂😂
1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house
2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not
3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open
4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work
5. You should not go to the Drs or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there
6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable people. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster
7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not
8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out
9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some
10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects
11. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11)
13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms , be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...
14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have to hand as it's better not to go out shopping
15. It's important to get fresh air .Don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down, don’t eat your picnic
16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication
17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out
18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including Pizza...
19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver
20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours... six hours... I mean days, not hours... But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic
22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores to be education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am
23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am
24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of… the people who die of corona who aren’t counted won’t be counted
25. You should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected
26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music.
27. No business will go under due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will have already gone under.
mrandmrspoves
Middle aged bald git.
- Location
- Narfuk
Looks like a bit of a cock up!
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
It'd be funny if it wasn't so tragic!
Dayvo
just passin' through
- Location
- 59° 50′ 5.55″ N, 10° 47′ 41.89″ E
Manicurists not perturbed by current situation.
mistyoptic
Vintage
- Location
- A parallel reality
