Any good jokes ... ?

[Threevok]

I've just had a blazing argument with Mrs V

I regret calling her a black-bellied, white faced and spotted

but I like to get all my ducks in a row

 

[Cavalol]

I was going to write a joke about turtles on their backs, but I could’t think of one.


They don’t just right themselves, you know.

 

[The Central Scrutinizer]

Q: What do you get if you cross a motorway with a fridge?
A: Killed.

I played football yesterday on a pitch surfaced with compacted rubble and broken bricks.
We won 5-4 on aggregate.

 

[ClichéGuevara]

I didn't realise my girlfriend could do such a brilliant Darth Vader impression.

Although, I don't recall Darth Vader ever saying "Please... give me back... my inhaler."

 

[ClichéGuevara]

A balding, white haired old man walked into a jewellery store with a beautiful and much younger woman at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

The jeweller then went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

 

[ClichéGuevara]

 

[CharlesF]

“My husband purchased a map of the world and gave me a dart. ‘Throw and dart and wherever it lands, we’re going for a holiday after the pandemic’. Turns out we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge”.

 

[CharlesF]

What sucks about this is, no one know what level of apocalypse we’re at.

Should I stick with working from home, or become a marauding war lord?

 

[Andy_R]

 

[glasgowcyclist]

Contains swearing


View: https://twitter.com/AlanClarkeVideo/status/1238441002731520000?s=19

 

[Cavalol]

Put the bins out earlier and got a massive round of applause. Wasn't expecting that.

 

[srj10]

 

[Threevok]

This morning I saw a man walking his dog.

"What a lovely King Charles" I commented

He replied "Yeah, it was a Springier Spaniel at the beginning of the week"

 

[Cavalol]

Sat in my garden last night and started singing “If you all hate Liverpool clap your hands”

The whole bloody country joined in!

 

[PeteXXX]

Money laundering...