Any good jokes ... ?

[Joey Shabadoo]

One night, a Police Constable knocked on a woman's door in Leith.

"Madam", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The constable replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in Leith Docks."

The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?"

He replied: "Well Madam, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?"

Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!"

The constable replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."

 

[AndyRM]

 

[PeteXXX]

 

[Cavalol]

I took my shoes to the cobbler, but he refused to mend them because they don’t have any decorative holes punched in them.

‘if it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it’, he said.

 

[PaulB]

The world's gone crazy! It's twelve weeks to Pancake Tuesday and the shops are already stocking flour and eggs!

 

[Cavalol]

Stormzy's last name is Bastille.

 

[Cavalol]

I always put a bit of silicone on the bird table - it's good for the smaller tits.

 

[colly]

BMW have introduced a braille gearstick as an optional extra.

 

[colly]

 

[Salty seadog]

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[Dayvo]

 

[PeteXXX]

 

[Cavalol]

 

[Profpointy]

Political correctness has gone absolutely bonkers. My mate Guy Chapman has had to change his name to Person Personperson!

Dick Van Dyke's original name was Penis Van Lesbian