Any good jokes ... ?

[glenn forger]

I used to out with a girl who worked in a pet shop. Biggest parakeets you've ever seen.

 

[tmesis]

What does the B stand for in Benoit B Mandelbrot's name? Benoit B Mandelbrot.

 

[tmesis]

So far I've only found a twix and a flake. My new job as a bounty hunter isn't going well.

 

[Fnaar]

What does the B stand for in Benoit B Mandelbrot's name?

"[He] Added the middle initial "B."; it did not stand for a particular name."
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0541707/bio

 

[XRHYSX]

"Hi, I'm Jane," she said.

"I'm Christopher," I replied, "but everyone calls me Dick for short."

"How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You ask nicely," I said.

 

[Stringy Bob]

My next door neighbour came banging on my door earlier, shouting and panicking, saying that there had been a terrible road accident and that Jeremy Vine had been run down and was lying in the road, unconcious and bleeding very heavily, and he asked to use my phone.

"What's wrong with yours?", I asked.

He replies, "The camera isn't very good"

 

[02GF74]

My wife left me because of my compulsive gambling. I must win her back.

or how about:

My wife left me because of my compulsive gambling. I bet you I can win her back.

 

[Rezillo]

My next door neighbour came banging on my door earlier, shouting and panicking, saying that there had been a terrible road accident and that Jeremy Vine had been run down and was lying in the road, unconcious and bleeding very heavily, and he asked to use my phone.

"What's wrong with yours?", I asked.

He replies, "The camera isn't very good"

Do you mean Jeremy Kyle?

 

[wakou]

I applied for a part time job with the TSA last week. They said I qualified to run the new airport full body scanners.

On Friday they sent me a secure web page to practice on by scanning with the mouse over the picture.

I've been practicing all weekend and will start the new job on Wednesday.

CLICK ON THIS...NEW AIRPORT SCANNER PRACTICE PAGE

Edit: Link Deleted by Mod

If, like me you are curious, you can google 'new airport scanner practice' It is not very funny, and involves nudity.

 

[martint235]

If, like me you are curious, you can google 'new airport scanner practice' It is not very funny, and involves nudity.

And I'm a bit surprised anyone would think it would get past the Mods.

 

[smokeysmoo]

The guy at the hospital is having his head bandaged and the doctor asks " how did this happen"

The guys says " It's a golf injury "

The doctor remarks" You have a fractured skull tell me how that is even possible?"

"Well" explains the guy " The golf course I go to has a farmer's field beside it, and i sliced my ball into it. So i hopped the fence and started looking for it, then I noticed a lady looking for her ball too, I looked at the back end of one of the cows and it had a bright orange golf ball stuck in it's butt.

So I walked over lifted it's tail smiling because I thought it was funny and I said "Hey lady does yours look like this?"......she was holding a 9 iron at the time"

 

[XRHYSX]

The wife wanted to try a bit of role reversal in the bedroom.

I hated it though, I just sat there half the night with my arms folded while she was down the pub.

 

[PeteXXX]

Two communists in a nudist camp.. One says to the other "Have you read Marx, Comrade?"
"Yes" says t'other one" I think it's the wicker furniture"

 

[tmesis]

Two communists in a nudist camp.. One says to the other "Have you read Marx, Comrade?"
"Yes" says t'other one" I think it's the wicker furniture"

That reminds me of an old favourite:

Why do anarchists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

 

[Stringy Bob]

Do you mean Jeremy Kyle?

Take your pick