Any good jokes ... ?

[Stringy Bob]

Got caught bashing one out recently while sniffing my best mate's sister's knickers.
He went ballistic.
She was still wearing them at the time.




Made the rest of the funeral very awkward for both of us.

 

[machew]

A man walked into a public toilets to find a priest on his knees in front of one of the toilets, head down and with his sleeves rolled up and his hands in the bowl.

The man was shocked and a little concerned.

"Are you praying?" he asked.

"No," replied the priest, "Just going through the motions."

 

[tmesis]

What did Long John Silver's parrot see in the BNP toilets?

Faeces of hate, faeces of hate

 

[PeteXXX]

A Maori and an Aborigine entered a chocolate shop

As they were busy looking around, the Aborigine stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the Aborigine said to the Maori

"Man, I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me.

You can't beat that.

" The Maori replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you some real stealing."

So they went up to the counter and the Maori said to the shopkeeper:

"Do you want to see some real magic, man ?"

The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."

The Maori said: "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.

The Maori asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.

He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"

The Maori replied:

"Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

You just CAN'T beat a Maori !!

 

[ComedyPilot]

An Englishman, a Welshman and a cyclist are all asked to take part in a psychological evaluation.

Each is given two identical rubber balls and asked to spend one minute evaluating them in an empty eight foot square room.

After the third man has concluded his minute, all three are lined up and asked to describe what they found out about the behaviour of the rubber balls.

The Englishman says, "I found that if you hold a ball in each hand and throw them towards the floor in front of you at approximately 45 degrees, at exactly the same time, they bounce off the floor, onto the wall in front, onto the ceiling above you, then onto the wall behind you, the floor behind you and then back into your hands."

"Very good!" said the examiner.

He then asks the same of the Welshman, who answers, "I also found that if you hold the balls, one in each hand, but throw them in opposite directions in front and behind you at an angle of 45 degrees at exactly the same time, they bounce on the floor in front and behind you, the wall in front and behind you, the ceiling above you, the wall in front and behind you, the floor in front and behind you and then finally back into your open hands, at exactly the same time."

"Excellent!" said the examiner.

Then he turned to the cyclist and said, "What did your test reveal?"

"Not much", said the cyclist. "I lost one and broke the other."

 

[ComedyPilot]

It looks like me and my long-term girlfriend will be splitting up because of a clash of religious views....

It seems she doesn't worship the ground I walk on.....

 

[colly]

Little Johnny runs in and shouts Mum, mum. Come quick! The bull is farking the cow! Mum, highly embarrassed, takes little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. 'You should have said, The bull is surprising the cow' That's much more polite.
A few days later, little Johnny rushes in again while Mum has her friends around. Mum is dreading what's to come.
Mum, mum.........come quick the bull is surprising the all the cows.' His mum smiles and says........'Johnny dear, you know he can't be surprising all the cows at once.'
'Yes he can. He's farking the horse.'

 

[tmesis]

Here's one from my 8 year old: Why was 6 scared? Because 7 8 9 and 10.

 

[Silver Fox]

The in-laws bought me a pair of roller blades from Poundland.

Cheapskates.

 

[PaulB]

Do you think when a Jehovahs Witness dies, God pretends he's not in?

And when you're at the races and bump into the Queen ask her for some tips. She's usually on the money.


I'm 'ere all week.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

My girlfriend is an Internet porn star!
Mind you, she's gonna go ballistic when she finds out....

 

[roadrash]

finally sold our house ...................dont think the council will be too happy when they find out

 

[Maz]

I was sorting out some of my old clothes the other day. Found an old train ticket in my pocket from 1985. A return ticket to London.
Blimey, that took me back.

 

[Archie_tect]

Found an old cobbler's ticket from 1993 in an old pair of trousers. Called in to show them... they'll be ready on Friday.

 

[Archie_tect]

Jealous eh?