Any good jokes ... ?

[subaqua]

I bought a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions read; 'remove cap and push up bottom'. I can't walk properly but when I fart, the room smells sweet.

thats quite funny, as when I went into Boots and asked for deodorant the assistant asked " Ball or Aerosol" and I replied " neither it is for under my arms "

 

[XRHYSX]

thats quite funny, as when I went into Boots and asked for deodorant the assistant asked " Ball or Aerosol" and I replied " neither it is for under my arms "

brilliant, just spat my tea out at that one

 

[ColinJ]

thats quite funny, as when I went into Boots and asked for deodorant the assistant asked " Ball or Aerosol" and I replied " neither it is for under my arms "

brilliant, just spat my tea out at that one

It's an oldie from Not The Nine O'clock News!

 

[s7ephanie]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap?.

That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

 

[Arch]

Unbelievable. Out of interest, which one?

2, I think. I was disappointed to find it wasn't the one with Alan Rickman.

 

[glenn forger]

My deaf girlfriend just told me to piss off.

That's not a good sign.

 

[XRHYSX]

A traffic warden goes for his dinner in a restaurant and asks the waitress for gammon and eggs with fries. "No, on second thoughts I will have the steak special." He said. "I am sorry," she replied, "I have started writing the ticket out now, there is nothing I can do about it."

 

[tmesis]

I've just quit my job at the helium balloon factory. I won't be spoken to like that.

 

[EltonFrog]

I've just quit my job at the helium balloon factory. I won't be spoken to like that.

Now that is a funny gag.

 

[tmesis]

I got cooled to absolute zero last night. I'm 0K now.

 

[Stringy Bob]

I was down the pup last night and started chatting to 2 rather large ladies with unfamiliar accents.
"So, are you 2 girls from Scotland then?"
"It's Wales, you idiot".
I replied, "Sorry, are you 2 whales from Scotland."

Then it all kicked off.

 

[tmesis]

My wife left me because of my compulsive gambling. I must win her back.

 

[PeteXXX]

I just quit my job at the tiddlywink factory...it was counter-productive.

 

[ayceejay]

I just quit my job at the sheep farm - the pay was so baad

 

[Slim]

I was sacked from my job at the pet shop. They caught me with my hand in the trill.